


Symptotic

by madlyhazel



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff, Mild Gore, Not Canon Compliant, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, Starkiller Base, future explicit rating, reader - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:34:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 59,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22199437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madlyhazel/pseuds/madlyhazel
Summary: Six years ago, you left the tutelage of the famous Luke Skywalker after failing to control your connection to the Force. To protect yourself, you closed yourself off from it all together and aimed to live an average life. Unfortunately, when First Order Commander Kylo Ren whisks you away from your perfectly normal life, you fear you'll be forced to confront your past and the abilities you tried to forget.On a brief hiatus!
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Reader, Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 81
Kudos: 233





	1. Prologue - Failure

Was that everything? Your eyes scanned the room around you, noting the empty shelves and the made cot. The place you’d called home for the past several years was now little more than an empty bedroom, and a sad feeling sunk into your heart--but you couldn’t hold onto that. You had no right to call this place home anymore. You needed to move on.

A small sigh escaped you as you secured the straps on the bag in front of you, running your fingers along the leather. It was funny to think that your whole life could fit in this bag. You had nearly no worldly possessions--you had been taught it was better to limit your bonds to _anything_ , whether it be items or people. Would that change now? You couldn’t imagine yourself owning much more than the clothes on your back after all this time.

How many years had it been now? Seven? And so little to show for it. Chosen at the ripe age of 10 to prove yourself, but you’d failed time and time again. Even the great Skywalker couldn’t train you and reign in your chaotic connection to the Force. You were a failed student, and though he’d attempted to convince you that you could learn to control yourself, you knew better. If you couldn’t learn anything in seven years, you wouldn’t learn anything in the many more to come.

“So, Tai was right.” A voice, deep but soft, came from behind you. “You _are_ leaving.”

Another sigh from you. _Ben_. You’d hoped to leave before he woke up, but perhaps that had been foolish of you. Ben was always so sensitive when it came to the Force; he’d told you before that he knew when you were near by how strong your presence was, how _loud_ it was. Of course he’d be able to sense your departure, with how strong your emotions were.

And Ben and you were friends. Even if he wasn’t Force-sensitive, he’d probably known for at least a few days that something was up.

You turned around, forcing your face to be blank--not that it mattered. He was staring at you from the doorway, black brows knitted as dark eyes flitted over your face. His hands were clenched at his side, white skin even paler over his knuckles as they were pulled taut. Even your shaky connection to the Force had you feeling the anxious waves radiating off of him. He was upset.

“Ben--”

“Why didn’t you say something?” His fists unclench for a moment, but then go right back. “You could of tried to talk to me.”

“And then what?” You wince briefly as your voice comes out snappier than intended. “You’d talk to me like Master Luke did? You think you could convince me otherwise?”

“ _Yes!_ ” He exclaims, taking a step into the room, “You’re just… Giving up! That’s not… You’re better than that.”

You give a wry bark of a laugh at that. He always thought better of you than you thought of yourself. Even as you look at him now, those boyish eyes of his glimmer with hope.

Though perhaps boyish is no longer the way to describe Ben Solo. It was hard to see past the 10-year old you remember, scrawny and knobby. Back then, he’d grown too fast and his body hadn’t had time to fill in. You’d been stronger than him for a few years, and no matter how hard he trained, his muscles couldn’t catch up. You had him beat in every sparring match.

But he grew, and now he was tall and muscular. His large ears and soft cheeks still betrayed his mask of adulthood, revealing the boy beneath, but you hadn’t managed to beat him in a match of strength in about a year. As he stepped further into the room, his form towered over you, and the slight light of this moon’s planet casts his shadow completely across you.

“Let me help you,” he pleads, his voice going soft again, “We can do this together.”

You give him a sad look and a tight smile, and his eyebrows push together even tighter. He has to know he’s losing, and you know that must frustrate him. He wants you to stay, but he knows that if Skywalker couldn’t stop you, he certainly can’t. He must just be hopeful that he’ll say the right thing.

“I’m sorry, Ben, but I know I’ll never be a Jedi. I have zero control over the Force. You know just as well as I do what happens when I try to use it. I… I don’t want to accidentally cause a tragedy.”

He chokes out a sound--an annoyed grunt, you think-- and he reaches a hand toward your arm. It hovers between the two of you, and you feel invisible tendrils creeping gently through your mind. You close your eyes and imagine a locked door.

You hear his sigh and the shifting of cloth as his hand falls to his side. “You’re closing yourself off. From me. From the Force.”

He sounds hurt.

Your eyes open again, and he’s not looking at you. “It’s better that way. If I can control it at all, the last thing I plan to do is block myself from it completely. Better to be normal than a time bomb.”

He sucks on the inside of his cheek, and you hope he’s not biting it too hard. You hate to see him like this.

“A friend of Master Luke’s is going to take me to Pinoora. From there, I’ll find someone to take me to Denon. I hear there’s good work there, so I’m sure I can find something.”

You hoped at least telling him of your plans would ease his mind, but his facial expression didn’t change. There wasn’t much else to be done now--the longer you drew this out, the worse it would be. You needed to go.

You turned around, grabbing your bag and slinging it over your shoulder. Though not physically heavy, the emotional weight of it made you huff. You had a plan in place, but, in reality, you had no clue if it would work out. Would you be stuck in the Outer Rim forever, doing manual labor at some junkyard for the rest of your life? Once you left this moon, there was no telling what would happen. There was always a plan as an apprentice, but now you had to forge your own path.

You faced Ben once more, and he was staring down at you, a mix of emotions on his face. You reached out, placing a hand on his shoulder, and he relaxed marginally beneath your touch.

“You’re going to be a good Jedi, Ben,” you reassured.

He tensed slightly and hunched his shoulders upward, looking away from you. You gave a short laugh at that. Doubting himself again? It was likely. But you knew he’d make something of himself, given who his parents were.

You let go of his shoulder, and instead reached up toward the side of your neck. You ran your fingers along the braid that hung down from the nape of your neck. Padawan braids were no longer tradition, but when you read about them, you’d thought they were an excellent way of representing one’s journey to becoming a Jedi. Now, it was a tickling reminder of what you could never become.

“I’m leaving the Order… Expelling myself, I guess,” you explain, and your breath starts to slightly quicken, “I won’t be allowed to have this anymore.”

Ben winces, but he doesn’t say anything.

You grasp your braid and close your eyes. Without completing your Jedi training, you couldn’t cut off the braid. It would be a false symbol, and you still held respect for the Order even if you would no longer be part of it.

You took a deep breath.

And you tore the braid from your head.

The searing pain immediately shot through your scalp and you bit your lip. The cool night air whispered along the tiny beads of blood that sprung from your abused skin, but they quickly coagulated. Your hand shook as you tightly gripped the braid, and as you opened your eyes, you saw Ben giving you a pained look. No doubt he felt shreds of your own suffering.

You took one of his hands and pressed the braid into his palm, then closed his fingers around it. “Please give this to Master Luke.”

And with that you pushed past him, heading toward the doorway. Yavin Prime shone in the night sky like a great red orb, casting an eerie crimson light across the ground. You paused, allowing yourself one last look at the planet as you’ve always known it. You’d miss it.

“When I’ve completed my training--” Ben’s voice comes from behind you. “I’ll find you.”

You glance back at him, surprised by the resolute look on his face. He’s standing straighter, with his shoulders squared. His deep chocolate eyes bore into your own, and the weight of his gaze has your knees nearly buckling.

He’s serious.

So you smile back at him. “I’ll hold you to that.”

You leave. You leave the hut you’ve called your room for seven years. You leave the temple you’ve trained at with Master Luke’s other apprentices. You leave Yavin 4, the moon you’ve called home.

And you leave Ben Solo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rolls in after two years* Heyyyy there! Long time no see.
> 
> Leave it to Kylo to drag me back into writing. I saw The Rise of Skywalker, and now that the sequels are concluded I knew I just had to write something. I've had this story boiling since The Force Awakens in the form of daydreams, so might as well slap it down into a full novel. Will I finish it? I'm not sure, but I'll try to entertain you guys while I pick my brain.
> 
> Some notes about certain Star Wars lore/items I've included:  
> Tai - One of Skywalker's students, featured in The Rise of Kylo Ren  
> Pinoora - A trade world in the Outer Rim  
> Denon - A bustling planet in the Inner Rim  
> Yavin Prime - A red gas giant in the Outer Rim  
> Yavin 4 - One of Yavin Prime's moons, and home to Luke Skywalker's Jedi Temple. We don't actually know where Ren trained, but this is the location of the temple in Star Wars Legends. I figured it was as good a place as any to put it!
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	2. Chapter 1 - Intersect

“Not done yet? You want credits or you sit on your exhaust port?”

You rolled your eyes at that bit of Quarrenese you could understand from the long line of it and leaned around the side of the empty bacta tank. Your boss, Boovit, stood glaring down at you, clearly displeased with the pace you set to work on the busted machine. It wasn’t your fault that whoever used it last hadn’t cleaned it properly and allowed bacta gel to seep down into the circuits. Now the connectors were totally fried and you had to replace each one. You personally thought replacing the whole board would be faster, but apparently that was “too expensive”.

“I am work hard!” you snipped back in your limited Quarrenese, and Boovit grunted.

Thankfully he didn’t seem in the mood to criticize you more and quickly rushed off to yell at another of his employees. As much of a bastard as he was, you understood why he was so stressed today. Supposedly you had some pretty big customers coming in to purchase a huge sum of bacta from the lab, along with close to 30 tanks. While your current tank wasn’t one of the ones set to be purchased, you needed to repair it fast and send it out to the idiot who broke it so you could move onto building new tanks to make up for the purchased stock.

It was pretty boring work, but it paid pretty good, all things considered. Would you have chosen another career if you could? Absolutely--but there were only so many jobs on Vardos for the basic laborer like yourself. You could work in repairs, you could work in a factory, or you could work in sweet, sweet customer service. You worked in a factory building nothing but subpsace transceivers for about two months and almost shot your brains out, and you didn’t dare touch a service position with a ten foot pole. So you chose the lesser evil.

You glanced up as a figure rushed by, seeing Boovit’s secretary-turned-lackey, Orra, hurrying up to the man to tell him something. He nervously tugged on his lower tentacles for a moment before nodding and following after her as she led him off the repair floor. You shrugged, returning to removing connectors and inspecting the damage on them. What a waste.

The repair went by uneventfully, however, and soon you were crouched down inspecting the new connectors and using an air duster to gently clear away any debris. It would work perfectly, so long as the client didn’t let bacta gel leak down again. Feeling satisfied, and knowing Boovit would be occupied for a while longer as he brown-nosed his way into the customers’ pockets, you allowed yourself to sit down on an empty dolly.

You gently rocked the wheels back and forth as you reached into your tool bag, pulling out a small bag of dried jogan fruit slices. You tore away a chunk, savoring the sweet and every so slightly tart taste of it. It wasn’t much, but you valued your (several) snack breaks that you took during the day. They kept you focused, and it was nice to have a moment to yourself. Only a few other employees were on repairs today, and they turned a blind eye to your actions. You did the same for them, after all.

Unfortunately, your reprieve was interrupted by the door into the repair room hissing open, and the voice of your employer echoing across the cold metal walls.

“--assure you we carry out the best repairs on this side of Vardos. Should any of your machines ever fail--though certainly they will not!--you can have comfort in knowing we’ll carry out your repairs efficiently and in a timely manner.”

Boovit’s accented Standard reaching your ears had you scrambling to stuff the bag of strips away, but his disapproving blue eyes already landed on you. You attempted to look like you’re working, hurrying to kick off the dolly and get on your hands and knees in front of your workspace. Unfortunately, the movement sent the dolly rolling behind you, and it crashed into the wall with a clatter. All eyes turned to you, and you grimaced as you looked up to meet them.

Boovit’s gaze told you he wanted no more than for you to disappear and have never existed in the first place, but you couldn’t read the majority of the faces behind him, considering they were helmeted. Stormtroopers--easily recognizable from the white helmets and expressionless black holes where their eyes should be--had their heads turned toward you. A man in a light grey uniform consisting of a high-collared tunic, flared breeches, and a crested cap frowned at you, and he grasped his datapad tightly.

But perhaps the most prominent figure was the tall, broad one that stood directly beside Boovit, clad head to toe in black. A long black tunic covered their whole form, and a heavy robe hung off of their shoulders. The mask covering their head was similar to that of the ‘Troopers, but bore metal accents that shone in the fluorescent light. The muzzle of it pointed toward you, letting you know they had seen your blunder too.

“I apologize for her,” Boovit quickly interjected, narrowing his eyes at you, “I’ll immediately refresh her on the proper way to--”

He was cut off as the tall figure, who you quickly internally named Tall, Dark, and Spooky, strode toward you with huge steps. They stopped about two feet from you, the mask tilted down as they looked at you. Their hands twitched at their sides, and you couldn’t help but shrink in on yourself a bit.

“O-Of course if you’d like to teach her yourself, that’s fine too! Surely she can learn much from an esteemed Commander such as yourself, sir!”

_Thanks_ , you wryly thought. You winced under the strong gaze of Tall, Dark, and Spooky, and you shifted so you were sitting on your heels.

“Sorry to bother you, uh, sir,” you spluttered out, before pointing to the bacta tank, “Just, uh, fixing this up. Didn’t mean to do that. Crash the dolly, I mean. Total accident.”

_Sir_ Tall, Dark, and Spooky continued to stare down at you, and you just wish he’d say something and make this situation a little less awkward. Your gaze briefly flicked to the ‘Troopers behind him, and you wondered why the First Order would send this clearly important fellow to pick up supplies. The officer with them alone would have been enough.

Maybe they’d made a stop along the way after making an example of some big wig in town. You knew little of the First Order, preferring to keep out of political affairs, but they were a fairly, _ahem_ , authoritarian military force. It wasn’t uncommon to see ‘Troopers on Vardos roughing up someone who crossed their path the wrong way.

“... Well, I’ll just get back to work--”

“Stand up.” Oh good, Tall, Dark, and Spooky had an equally terrifying and extremely deep voice to match his appearance.

You stared at him in confusion for a few moments before awkwardly getting to your feet. He was still taller than you, and even straightening your back and squaring your shoulders did little to make you feel better. The empty gaze of his mask bore into you, and you couldn’t help but stare at your own reflection. You felt a bit scared, but thankfully you didn’t seem to show it.

Suddenly, you felt a familiar creeping sensation, but the confused look you gave was quickly overridden as a sharp sting followed after. You grunted, putting a hand to the side of your head. The feeling faded as soon as it came, and you immediately became more guarded.

_How could he…?_

“You’re coming with me,” he stated plainly, the static of his vocoder grating on your ears. He glanced over his shoulder at the Stormtroopers. “Make sure she doesn’t escape.”

Your eyes widened and you took a step back, but Tall, Dark, and Spooky turned on his heel, his robes billowing behind him. He stepped up beside Boovit, glowering down at him.

“We’re done here. Send your men to load our ship.”

“C-Certainly, sir… B-But,” he looked toward you for a moment, “I just can’t have you t-taking my employees! She has a job to finish and--!”

He was cut off as his eyes widened, and a choked garble escaped him. He scrabbled at his thick neck, confused and concerned as to why words and breath alike failed him.

“Commander Ren has issued an order,” the officer sniffed, “Ensure it’s done quickly.”

Suddenly Boovit is gasping again, and his face tentacles curl inward and shudder. You give a second thought to the protest you were about to spit out, but you still find yourself stepping into a guarded stance as two ‘Troopers approach you. Your hands instinctively go into fists as you raise them in front of you, but you quickly force them to relax.

“I can’t just--!” You bite your tongue, trying to will your voice to be less aggressive. “… I have a home here. If… I have to go with you, at least let me pack my things.”

Both Stormtroopers turn to Ren, as you now know him, clearly deferring to him. The quick clench of his fist by his side doesn’t escape you, but he seems to relax.

“We’ll make a stop.” He doesn’t even turn around to address you.

Okay, no Force choking for you. That’s good. But you needed to know exactly _how_ he had control over the Force to such a degree. You’d seen such tactics before, in a time you cared to forget, but you’d only been shown so you knew what you should never use. This Ren character had a fine-tuned control over the Force, and he chose to use it for something terribly dark and barbaric. What sort of training had he received?

The ‘Troopers took their place behind you, and you knew you had little choice but to move forward. You gritted your teeth, sending a look Boovit’s way. Any spine he’d had before was ripped out by Ren, and now he just stared at you as he hunched over. _Dosh!_

You were led from the bacta plant and into the streets of Vardos, which now seemed even darker than usual. You caught a glimpse of the loading dock as you passed along, noting the oversized light shuttle that had a couple employees standing outside of it conversing with a pair of Stormtroopers.

Ren stopped in front of you, pausing for a brief moment before turning to face you. “Where’s your home?”

You stared him down, looking at your own reflection once more--but you knew now he could just take the information if he wanted to. So with a sigh, you averted your gaze and told him. He immediately turned back around and started walking, and one of the ‘Troopers nudged your back. With heavy feet you plodded after, staring at the back of your captivator.

…

The trip to your home wasn’t a long one, considering you figured living close to your place of employment just made sense. You hunched your shoulders as you typed your code into the door, and the hiss of it opening cut though the tense silence. You moved in first, with Ren squeezing in his way after you. The ‘Troopers remained posted at the door, no doubt in case you attempted to make a run for it. Charming.

Ren stood in the center of your living room, surveying the minimal decorations you had. You would call his stance awkward if he didn’t cut such an intimidating figure. He seemed so out of place in your small flat, the neutral tones around him making his dark form stand stark. As you shuffled toward your bedroom, he followed suit.

Thankfully, he didn’t seem keen to completely invade your privacy--such a gentleman--and he stood in your bedroom doorway instead of entering. There wasn’t much to look at anyways, beyond the gray, unmade sheets and dark furniture. You went to your closet, reaching up to the storage shelf above the hangers. Your fingers graced the leather bag that had been gathering dust, and you bit back a sigh. _Hello again, old friend._

You threw it on the bed behind you and began the quick process of packing up your belongings. Would you have time to inform your landlord, or would you be immediately whisked away after you packed? You’d hate for your account to be charged when you weren’t even living here. Though, you might not have a use for money wherever you were going. You couldn’t be sure.

“You have no pictures. Of yourself. Of friends.” That deep, static-filled voice pulled you from your musings.

“Well forgive me for not wanting to look at myself every day,” you muttered, shoving a shirt haphazardly into the bag, “Though I guess that’s what mirrors are for.”

“You’re leaving nothing behind. No one will miss you.”

He states it in such a matter-of-fact way, and the truth stings. Your only friendships were with your coworkers, though you couldn’t remember the last time they’d invited you out. Last time they’d called. You were friendly enough with them at work, but your social life outside was essentially nonexistent. There was nothing for you in Vardos beyond a laborer’s living.

“And I’m sure someone like yourself has _so many_ friends,” you bit back, sending him a sour look to cover up your sore heart.

The crackle that escaped his helmet could have been an annoyed grunt, but you weren’t sure. You stuffed the last of your clothing into the bag and closed it up before glancing around your room. You really had nothing else to take with you--it wasn’t like you could take your whole fridge. What would the food be like where you were going? Rations? Maybe Ren would treat you to a final nice meal before sending you to whatever fate he seemed to have planned.

You slung the pack over your shoulder, sending the tall commander a defeated look. More static hissed from his helmet as he turned around, leading you back into your living room. As his back as turned, you briefly considered a plan of attack. There was a vase with wilted flowers that you’d bought for yourself, and it could be heavy enough to knock him out. Though his helmet was likely thick, and a simple whack from the vase wouldn’t do much. Maybe you could run past him? But there were ‘Troopers waiting for you just outside…

You nearly bumped into him as he suddenly stopped and looked over his shoulder at you. No, you couldn’t get away. Even if you could manage to somehow get the guards, he could no doubt stop you with the Force. You still wondered how he had such control over it, but you doubted he’d go about explaining it to you. It was better to leave it for now and save your neck.

Back outside you went, closer and closer to your fate. The trip back to the bacta plant and to their ship seemed both infinitely long and far too quick. Your mind raced with the possibilities of what would happen to you. You couldn’t figure out why he was carting you off; you couldn’t of pissed him off _that_ severely. Though, considering he choked Boovit for barely challenging him, it was possible. If that were the case, he could of struck you down on the repair floor. Or maybe he had a special kind of torture for you?

All in all, it seemed like a lot of work for little old you.

You were led into the shuttle, its dark interior oppressive and claustrophobic. Large pallets of bacta gel sat in the center, and several tanks lined the walls between the few seats the shuttle possessed. The snooty officer from before stood at the mouth of the carrier, talking to Boovit. Your employer pointedly avoided your gaze, and you stared him down as a ‘Trooper directed you to sit in one of the padded seats.

Ren sat beside you, strapping himself into the seat harness before placing his hands on his knees. His mask stared straight forward, and you did your best to angle your body away from him. Guess there was another pilot then. Goody.

“You should put on the harness. It’s safe.”

So he cared for your well-being? You gave him the side-eye as you slowly slipped the straps over your shoulder and secured them to the buckle between your legs. You supposed you didn’t want to get thrown out of your seat once you entered hyperspace. It had been pretty long since you’d been on a system-faring ship, but you still remembered the mildly nauseating feeling of jumping through hyperspace.

Once secure, you leaned back into the headrest and closed your eyes. Maybe you could try to get some rest on your journey. Ren wasn’t much of a conversationalist anyways.

…

Your eyes slipped open as you heard the whoosh of the landing jet, and your stomach slowly rose up to your lungs as the ship dropped slightly too fast. You hadn’t been able to get any sleep, your anxiety far too strong, but at least Ren hadn’t bothered you during the trip. You weren’t sure exactly how long it had been, but it felt like a good couple hours. There was a jolt as the ship touched ground, and the enviro filter hissed as it equalized.

Ren unbuckled himself and rose to his feet, his helmet briefly turning down to you. You wished you could get a read on him.

The shuttle door opened, forcing you to squint as florescent light filled the dark interior. As your eyes adjusted, you could see part of what looked like an expansive loading dock. Stormtroopers walked in squads to and fro, and several technicians jogged to their jobs. The floor was clean and reflective--much cleaner than any of the floors at the bacta plant. A small, square, black droid rolled up to the end of the ramp leading into the shuttle, appearing to look inside before it gave a single beep and drove off.

“Come.” Ren’s empty gaze stared down at you.

You unhooked your harness, pushing up into a standing position and picking up your bag. Your ‘Trooper guards found themselves at your sides within moments, and you couldn’t help but make a sour face. Where could you run? This place was clearly a place of military operations, filled to the brim with personnel.

‘Troopers and officers alike parted for Ren as he led you out across the loading dock and into one of the various hallways. Your unshackled appearance lent you some curious stared, but you ducked your head down and focused on the shuffling of your feet. Though not a prisoner physically, perhaps, you felt enough like one. No doubt a cell of sorts would prove to be your newest home. Or perhaps space itself once your lifeless body was disposed of?

You seemed to walk endlessly, twisting through the identical hallways. Ren walked with a purpose, fast enough that you had to mix between speed-walking and awkwardly jogging to keep up. It took everything in you not to stumble over your work boots, the tread in the soles long faded and proving to be the perfect surface to slip around on. The rest of your uniform, a simple faded blue mechanic’s jumpsuit, helped you feel perfectly out of place.

Eventually, the Commander stopped in front of a door and removed a keycard from somewhere in his robes. A quick swipe and the red light surrounding the lock turned green. The door whispered open, revealing… A living room?

“Leave us.”

The Stormtroopers didn’t need a second command and quickly went marching down the way you came, abandoning you to your fate. Ren’s mask faced you, staring you down, and you hesitantly stepped into the room.

Utilitarian, basic furniture decorated the room, along with banners sporting the First Order’s insignia. A covered pedestal sat in one corner with a seat in front of it, and large bookshelves lined one of the walls. A small hallway branched off from the main room, though you couldn’t see where it went from this angle. There was no kitchen, but you supposed food was obtained from a common cafeteria of sorts, assuming this was a military base or ship.

Still, an average living room was not where you expected to end up, and you turned to face Ren as the door closed behind him. Apprehension crept its way into your mind like a fat slug, and you felt the hairs on your arms raise as a fight-or-flight response kicked in. This wasn’t normal. _None_ of this had been normal, but especially not this.

He simply stares at you for an extended period of time, his chest rising and falling, quicker, quicker. Is he nervous? You couldn’t think it possible. He had you precisely where he wanted you, and there was nowhere for you to run. Yet his breath continued to huff out, so much so you could hear the static of it through his helmet.

His hands twitched at his side, and yours did the same. What was he thinking? His mask was as impenetrable as ever. Briefly, you wished you could reach out and probe at the edges of his mind to at least get a glimmer of his emotions--but that thought quickly faded. You refused to ever use the Force again.

His hands went up to the sides of his helmet, and your brows furrowed. It hissed as it unlatched, opening up just enough to pull his head out. He removed the apparatus, revealing--

“... _Ben?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ren couldn't leave you forever, dear reader! It just took him a good minute to find you. You're good at hiding!
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Vardos - A planet that was once an Imperial utopia, but now sits fragmented  
> Jogan fruit - A type of fruit seen mainly in The Clone Wars series. Its taste hasn't been described, but I imagine it's pretty sweet!  
> Dosh - An explicative similar to damn  
> Enviro filter - A filter that's standard on all ships to help its occupants breathe in space
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	3. Chapter 2 - "Home"

He was a bit older, and he’d grown out his hair, but you’d recognize Ben Solo anywhere. Those soulful brown eyes of his flitted over your face, taking in your shocked expression. He unceremoniously dropped his helmet on a shelf beside him before taking a pair of long strides toward you, breaching your personal space. He stared down at you, his rapidly rising and falling chest inches from your face.

“You remembered, but--” His brows knit together. “--Ben’s dead.”

If you could look any more confused, it would start to hurt.

“I’m Kylo Ren. It would be smart to call me that while you stay here.”

_Stay here?_ You blinked, pulling yourself from your stupor as you took a step back. You pushed your fingers up through your hair, gripping it tightly. This… Was far too much. Too many things were happening at once and it was leaving you with a developing migraine.

“Stay here?” you parroted, your hands dropping from your head, “That’s not… You can’t… Ben, I had a _life!"_

His eyes narrowed as you used his old name again, and his shoulders tightened. “A life of repairing bacta tanks and going home to nothing. You weren’t fulfilled. You were bored.”

“I built that for myself, and I was happy with it! You can’t… You can’t just drag me away from that. What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m saving you!” His voice has risen to a crescendo, and he begins pacing in front of you. “You didn’t want that! You wanted to go to Denon and find work there, something that would make you happy. You’re lying if you tell me you wanted to live in that smoggy pile of druk!”

“But staying in Vardos was my choice! You’ve taken that away from me!”

“You had nothing! _You were nothing!_ ” He roars in rage, suddenly swiping his helmet off of the shelf. It clattered to the ground, rolling into one of the low-sitting black chairs in the room. You flinched.

This Ben was much angrier than the one you knew. Back then, he was easily frustrated, but he was usually able to reign himself in. Now, he allowed his anger to flow freely, making him a dangerous weapon. As you stared at his face twisted up in frustration, you quickly realized that Ben _was_ gone. Perhaps not forever, but the man before you had certainly locked him away in some dark place.

He straightened up, smoothing back the strands of black hair that had fallen in his face. “Here, with me, you can be something. I can teach you. You can feel important.”

You sighed. “I never wanted that.”

He sucked on his teeth, clenching a fist at his side. “You just--you left! You were so worried about the chaos building inside of you that you’d rather throw everything away than learn to harness it!”

“I was scared of hurting someone!” you exclaimed, putting a hand to your chest, “And you… You’re purposefully using the Force for dark things.”

“I am _powerful_ ,” he hisses, straightening out to his full height, “And you can be too. There’s more to the Force than the Jedi. They only taught us what would be beneficial to them, what would keep us under their thumb. Skywalker never wanted you to be strong--he wanted pliable apprentices that he could shape into his likeness. More and more failures to fill the belly of the dying Jedi.

“Here, you can be so much more. You don’t have to shape yourself to his _weak_ will. You can build up that power inside of you and became who you were meant to be! You don’t have to run any more.” He holds out his arms. “I’ll help you. I can train you.”

You shook your head, your eyes feeling misty. “What happened to you?”

His arms drop down to his side, and his face falls flat. He’s disappointed. He stalks over to his helmet on the ground and picks it up, sliding it over his head and securing it in place. It clicks, and he turns back to face you, impenetrable once more.

“Fine. You’ll come to the right decision eventually. You just need time to think.”

You find yourself missing his natural voice. This vocoded one fills you with fear.

Ren strides over to you quickly, grabbing you by the meat of your arm and tugging you up. He held you just tight enough to pinch the skin, making it hurt. You gasped in pain, tugging back against him, but he paid you no heed as he dragged you toward the doorway. Another swipe of his keycard had it opening up, and soon he was dragging you into the hall. Your boots scrabbled on the slick floor, but you couldn’t find purchase.

He led you down that hallway for a moment before taking a sudden left. His helmet turned back and forth as he surveyed the doors around you, seemingly lost in his own world as you struggled against him. Eventually, he paused in front of one of the doors, opening it much the same as the others. In your brief moment of opportunity, you grasped his wrist and tried to wrench it off your arm.

His mask snapped to you, and he was quick to grab your own wrist. He twisted it away, pulling and pulling to the side until you were forced to let go. You had to lean into his grip or risk having your bones broken. You hear a frustrated snort beneath his helmet, and he tugs you forward. He all but threw you through the doorway, and another keycard swipe and a press of a button had the door locking behind the two of you.

You had little chance to take in your surroundings--chair, table, shelf--as you rubbed your sore wrist and glared up at him. He hadn’t seemed nearly as eager to cause you bodily injury before, but perhaps he was growing tired of your antics. Good--let him. You weren’t about to take this lying down.

“This will be your room,” he explained, staring you down, “I’ll have an officer bring a datapad so you can order food and--”

You twisted on your heel and swung out your leg, aiming for a sweeping kick to his side. A brief jolt from him betrayed his surprise, but he was quick to recover and blocked your leg with a forearm. His free hand shot forward, grabbing your ankle and twisting you until you were facing away from him. He shoved you forward, causing you to stumble and catch yourself before you slammed your chin into the floor.

You quickly bounced up, swinging around with a clenched fist, aiming for his chest. He was wise to your game now, and he swatted away your hand. At the last moment, his fingers caught your wrist and twisted your arm around until it was behind your back. You groaned, trying to wrench away, but he quickly shoved you down onto the nearby table. The both of you grunted as your chest hit it full force.

You attempted to kick up one of your legs, hoping to hit something fragile, but he twisted his body away. He trapped your legs with a knee on your calves, pressing them down into the floor with his whole weight. You could already feel your shins bruising.

“Are you done?” Ren questioned. You couldn’t even hear his breathing, despite your own coming out in quick, feral puffs.

You swung your free arm behind you in a last ditch effort to hit him, but he quickly pinned it to the tabletop with a gloved hand. Trapped.

“ _Enough._ ”

You twisted your head to the side so you could glare up at him. The mask was close to your face, and you imagined he was staring down at you, waiting for your next move. You briefly squirmed in his grasp, but you realized he had you thoroughly pinned.

“I’m going to let go of you, and you’re going to relax,” he whispered, his hushed voice becoming garbled through the static, “Or--I can knock you out.”

Thick silence hung between the two of you for several long moments, but you finally forced your body to loosen up. Satisfied with your compliance, he pushed off of you and rose up to his full height, and you allowed yourself to sit back on your heels. Your body already began to feel battered, and you were certain you’d have marks by the start of tomorrow’s cycle.

“As I was saying--” He continues on as if you hadn’t just miserably lost to him. “I’ll have an officer bring a datapad so you can communicate with the staff. I don’t trust you to leave this room.”

You don’t deign him a response, and he snorts. He’s quick to turn from you, his robes flaring out, and he makes his way toward the door. A beep from the door let you know he’d unlocked it, and soon he was stepping out and into the hall. Just before he passed the threshold, he glanced over his shoulder at you.

“The sooner you realize what you’re meant to be, the easier this will be.”

You sneered at him, and then the door closed. Another beep signified you were locked inside the room, and you leaned forward onto the heels of your palms. You pressed your nails into the tile below, shutting your eyes and taking a great heaving breath. Dosh it all! When had you grown so weak?

Before, you could of at least stood a chance against him. Even when he’d grown stronger as he’d gotten older, you’d been able to at least hold your own, even if you weren’t able to win. Now Ben-- _Ren_ took you down with such ease. And he wanted to _train_ you? Time and time again, you were a failure. You couldn’t prove yourself to Skywalker, you couldn’t live the life you wanted, and soon you’d prove that you were truly nothing to him.

You wished he’d killed you. At least then you could stop being a disappointment.

Another shaky breath left your lips, and you bit back the tears that threatened to fall. You wouldn’t let yourself feel any weaker in this moment. You couldn’t break so easily. So you opened your eyes and got to your feet, ignoring the needles of pain that shot through your shins as you did. If you couldn’t figure out a way out of this now, you’d come up with one.

You examined your surroundings, noting how it appeared you were in a living room. Slightly less ornate than the one Ren and you had been in previously, but it seemed nice enough. As nice as it could be, in a situation like this. Everything was a variation of grays and blacks, from the chairs you assumed were for company to the shelves that could be filled with books. You could see a short hallway from where you were, but decided to explore that momentarily.

You approached the door, staring at the card reader by the door and hoping it would open by sheer will alone. It simply stared back, its red light glinting off the slightly shiny wall behind it. There was a button on it, the one Ren pressed, and you assumed it locked it front the inside. A pretty stupid feature, considering it seemed you needed a keycard to get in anyways. Perhaps it was just a failsafe.

Your fingers felt along the edges of the reader, trying to find a groove where you could look at the inner components. Unfortunately, the only opening seemed to be secured by a pair of screws, and you clicked your tongue in frustration. Perhaps that was just as well, though. You knew the tech behind bacta tanks, but this sort was beyond you. Comparing the two was like putting eopies and banthas together.

You looked back at the room again. There were no windows here, and you had no way of knowing what was outside. You could be floating through space, in which breaking a window would be a terrible idea and also nearly impossible considering how reinforced they were; or you could be on some planet. You tried to recall if you’d seen anything in the loading bay when you first entered, but you’d been far too distracted by your surroundings to just look behind you at the entrance.

Next thing on the list: the hallway. You cautiously made your way down it, noting a pair of doors across from one another. You opened the one on the left first and were meant with a small closet space--currently empty. Nothing of interest there, then. You turned to the second door, opening it up to reveal what appeared to be a bedroom.

Flicking the lights on showed a relatively large bed sat in the center against one of the walls, bearing crisply made black sheets and a pair of plump pillows. A set of shelves stood on either side of it, with a nightstand between one of them and the bed. A small, basic lamp was the only thing on the nightstand. Along another wall was a black dresser, and a banner bearing the First Order’s symbol hung above it. A high-backed chair and desk sat tucked into a corner, and the final wall bore another doorway.

A peek through it showed you a basic bathroom, equipped with a bathtub-shower combo, a simple toilet, a laundry bin, gray counters, and a mirror that covered an entire wall. Creases in the mirror revealed it functioned as a cabinet as well.

You stared at your reflection, noting your mussed hair and slightly red eyes. Your jumpsuit was stained and bleached--you’d long needed a new one, but you’d never gotten around to it. Your name, embroidered into one of the breast pockets, was frayed and falling apart. Would you even be yourself anymore?

You closed the bathroom door, deciding that looking at yourself was only going to make this worse. Instead, you decided to explore the dresser, curious as to what it may contain. Unfortunately, each drawer was empty, and you briefly wondered if you were just expected to live in your jumpsuit and the very few clothes you’d brought. Surely not! You had a feeling you would be provided with a basic uniform, so you could blend in like all the other saps in this place.

You checked the drawer inside the nightstand, but it was likewise empty. Was this just a bedroom, ready for anyone to use? You doubted soldiers and basic staff had their own rooms, so you guessed this was supposed to be for officers. Ren could of done well enough to put you in a prison cell, but he had called this your _home_. He seemed he wanted you to live here, rather than be a captive.

It didn’t matter--you still felt like one.

You let out a small sigh, plopping down onto the bed. The sheets weren’t terribly soft, but they seemed of good quality and would no doubt keep you warm. Your eyes wandered up to the black banner over the dresser, taking in the white symbol. How did Ren become involved with the First Order? Skywalker certainly wouldn’t have allowed him to just… Leave. Something must have drawn him to the Dark Side, and you couldn’t even begin to imagine what.

You’re jolted from your musings by the sound of the door in the living room hissing open, and you felt your muscles tense. Was he back already? Cautiously, you rose to your feet and stalked toward the open bedroom door, carefully peering out. The hallway opened directly into the living room, allowing you a decent vantage point, and you could see a woman in a light gray uniform. She peered around the room, and from her scrunched brow, it wasn’t hard to tell she was annoyed.

You slowly moved from the doorway, and her head snapped toward you. With a great apprehension you approached, stepping carefully just in case you needed to brace yourself. This must have been the officer Ren was talking about sending.

“You’re Commander Ren’s student?” she questioned, straightening herself out.

He was already telling others you were training under him? You hadn’t agreed to anything. “I guess.”

Her green eyes flicker over you, taking in your form. She scrunches up her nose, then pulls out a datapad from behind her back.

“Here,” she says, handing the device to you, “You can order food, clothing, entertainment--whatever you need.”

You take the device, tapping the datapad’s screen and watching as it lit up. A brief scan revealed several different screens, all pertaining to what she said. Beyond the basics, however, it was completely empty.

“... Who’s paying for this?” you question, giving her a suspicious look, “My credits are all stuck in my account on Vardos. I wasn’t able to grab my own datapad.”

“Commander Ren has allotted you an allowance from his personal account until you’re able to work for yourself.”

You tsked at that. You didn’t need him… _Providing_ for you. All of this was wrong. He went from twisting your arm behind your back to giving you money. What was his game? You had once been friends, but you would of never accepted such things from him then. He shouldn’t expect you to be so willing now.

The officer stares down at your jumpsuit again. You imagined she disliked the stains, considering her uniform was prim and perfect.

“... I suggest beginning with clothing. I’ll have a laundry maid bring up a few pairs of uniforms and undergarments. Laundry is to be left in the bin in the bathroom and is collected every cycle. Should your uniforms need repair or you need another one, you can request such things on your datapad. Beds are to be made by yourself, but sheets are changed every week. Should you require repairs for any broken plumbing, lights, or the like, you can request a repair on your datapad.”

What was this, a hotel? Your fingers tightened on the device. “Yeah, right. Thanks.”

She clicked her heels together, standing up straighter. “Should you have any further questions while you settle in, ask anyone who enters this room and they will direct your question to the proper personnel. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Not really. I’m, uh, sure you want to get back to whatever you’re actually supposed to be doing.”

She narrows her eyes, taking you in. Then, after a few moments--”… Yes, actually.”

“Right.” You thinned your lips out and offered a small wave of the datapad. “See you.”

She turns on her heel and heads out the door, which opens effortlessly as soon as she enters the sensor. Now that catches your eye.

But the beep as she leaves lets you know it’s locked once more. Hm.

You stare down at the datapad for a moment, the screen now off as you’ve left it unattended. Well, if you were to be stuck here, the least you could do is find some comfort in it. You walked over to one of the chairs in the living room, plopping down. You began to scroll through the food screens, looking for something to satiate your appetite.

…

By the time the laundry maid arrived with your clothes and placed them in your drawers for you, the man bringing your food came along as well. He avoided your eyes as he set the tray on the table in the living room, and you found yourself awkwardly standing there as he laid out utensils for you. He was waifish with a head of light brown hair that had a permanent cowlick. His deep chocolate eyes flickered around nervously.

“Uh, you don’t have to do that,” you muttered, rubbing the back of your neck, “It’s fine.”

“I’m required,” he whispers, gingerly pushing the butterknife until it’s completely straight.

You sigh, shifting on your feet. You haven’t changed yet, and you feel more and more out of place with each person that comes through. You didn’t want to immediately accept your fate, but it did feel awkward to be the only one in a stained mechanic’s uniform.

“... Do you like working here?” _Wherever here is._

The man flinched. “… Fine. It’s fine. I guess I should say it’s good.”

“You can be honest,” you explain, “It’s not like I’m on chummy terms with any officers. I just got here.”

“You’re Commander Ren’s student.” He straightens out and turns around, his arms folded up close to his chest. He looked like a tooke.

“I’m not,” you immediately counter, “I didn’t choose that.”

He flinches again and drops his gaze. “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to assume. I was simply told that--”

You let out a sigh. “It’s… Look, it’s fine. I’m just a bit frustrated. I started my morning going to my job, and I’m ending my day somewhere I don’t even know.”

“... You’re at Starkiller Base,” Tooke-Face murmurs.

_Starkiller Base?_ “I’ve never heard of it.”

“Y-You’re not supposed to.” He scratches his face. “I-If you’re not in the Order. It’s okay now, I guess. Since you’re here.”

He briefly glances up at you. “… What did you do? Before you came here?”

You wanted to tell him you didn’t come here, but you decided to bite your tongue. “I worked in a bacta plant. I mostly did repairs, but I’d help in the lab sometimes.”

“Oh…”

You snort. “Yeah, it wasn’t very exciting, but it got me money. That’s all I really cared about. What about you? Or have you been… This--” You motion to the tray and him. “--All your life?”

“Oh! Um…” Tooke-Face pulls at his black shirt. “My family, they, uh, they’re in the jewelry business. B-But I was no good with rocks, and I wasn’t smart enough to get into a military academy. But the First Order makes sure you’re comfortable, so I started working in the kitchens. I-I’ve bounced around a bit, but I’ve been here for about four months now.”

That was the most you’d heard him speak. “What would you be if you could be anything?”

He stutters, and then he’s silent for a long time. You think you’ve broken him, but he slowly turns his attention back up to you. He has a small smile on his face. “A pastry chef. I, uh, like baking.”

That gets you smiling too. “I’m guessing you’re hoping to work your way up in the kitchens?”

“Exactly!” He beams at you, but quickly composes himself. “B-But it’s a long ways off.”

“Well, if you ever get the chance, I wouldn’t mind sampling something you make.”

He smiles again, soft. “… M-Maybe I could buy some ingredients…”

“It’s settled then!” You hold out your hand. “You know who I am, but I don’t know you. What’s your name?”

His eyes go wider than dish plates, and he awkwardly shuffles his feet. “… Ildwen. It’s not that important, though.”

Your hand hangs in the air for a moment, and you eventually lean forward to give his shoulder a pat. He jumps. “Nice to meet you Ildwen. I hope you bring me my next meal too.”

Ildwen smiles awkwardly before making his way toward the door in a stumble. Soon, he’s gone, and he’s locked it behind him.

What an odd guy. He was nice, though, and he was the first name you could put to a face other than Ren. He wasn’t a great conversationalist, but maybe you’d have some company while you were here. He’d said Starkiller Base, right? What an awful name. You wondered what planet you were on, but you supposed you’d have to get your bearings another time.

With a sigh, you settled down in your chair and prepared to eat. If you had nothing else, you’d at least have food in your belly--and right now, that’s just what you needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ren seems to think he knows what's best for you and he's trying his best, but you're being difficult! Also, you've made a new friend! Maybe this new home won't be so lonely after all...
> 
> This chapter deleted a huge portion of itself (like 1k words) and I raged so hard. In other news, I'm between jobs right now, so I'll have a bit of extra time to write! The update schedule will still be the same, but I should be able to get a lot done. Exciting!
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Druk - An explicative similar to shit  
> Eopie - An herbivore used in caravans that's native to Tatooine. They're prone to flatulence  
> Bantha - A horned herbivore used as a mount that's native to Tatooine. You know this one!  
> Tooke - A rodent-like creature native to Batuu
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	4. Chapter 3 - Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for blood and death in this chapter

Your first night at Starkiller Base had been a restless one. The sleepwear provided was basic: a shirt and pant combination that was a dull gray and had the First Order symbol embroidered into the breast. It was soft enough, along with the bed, but both brought you little comfort. You felt far too strange, unable to wear your own clothing. Further, your mind had been occupied with thoughts of the future, of how you would live in this place.

You eventually fell asleep after a few hours of tossing and turning, but you often found yourself waking up with a start. Your dreams were filled with the intimidating form of Kylo Ren, and you imagined him choking you and throwing you into prison. In other dreams he grew tired of you and simply tossed you out the loading bay entrance. In all, he hurt you, and you were fearful.

You sat up on your hands, wincing as you bent your wrist. Leaning all your weight on one hand, you brought the injured one in front of you. There was slight bruising around it, though it looked like it would fade in a couple days. You made a sour face, rubbing a heel into one of your tired eyes. Your whole body felt sore too. Kriffing Ren.

You spent a short time getting ready, having found basic hygienic items in the bathroom cabinet. You couldn’t do much for your tired appearance, but you felt a little better after you freshened up. At least your hair wasn’t so mussed. The uniform you were provided felt rather uncomfortable, being tight in all the wrong places and forcing you to stand straighter. You decided to forgo the cap, figuring that you wouldn’t be needed to keep your hair out of your face anyways.

With that out of the way, you spent a short time ordering breakfast from the limited menu. There wasn’t much for you to choose from, and you imagined higher ups likely had a bit more freedom. You supposed it was better than whatever cafeteria food was provided, but it wasn’t like you exactly relished in basic breakfast foodstuffs and a nutritious drink. What about some fresh fruit? Maybe if you asked nicely they’d make some pancakes with a smile made out of whipped cream.

You snorted at yourself.

You had little else to do than wait, so you allowed your mind to wander as you plopped down in a chair. Would Ren show up again today? You were less than eager to see him. You were still shocked he’d gone to these lengths, and you were more than angry with him; but what could you do? While you spent the last six years doing menial labor and trying to survive, he seemed to have spent his honing his skills and becoming an instrument for the darker side of the Force. You couldn’t possibly hope to beat him in combat at this point.

You gingerly rubbed your sore wrist, a frown coming over your face. What had happened in the years you’d been apart? Last you remember, he’d been eager to continue his training. He’d been extremely upset that you were giving up, but you’d left believing he’d make something of himself. You supposed he had, but this… You had never expected this. Seeing him so far gone left a bad taste in your mouth.

But he was no longer Ben--he’d told you as much. Further, Ben would of never so deliberately hurt you when you were fighting. Not that you’d ever gotten in a fist fight with him before; your sparring sessions had always been for training or in good fun. Now, he seemed to care little for your well-being, tossing you about like you were a mere doll.

Was that so true, however? On Vardos, he could of easily choked you like he’d done to Boovit, but he held back. He also provided you a room here, and he’s given you money for food and entertainment. You were loathe to accept it from him, and he did little more than confuse you. If he wanted to truly hurt you, would he not simply throw you in a cell and ignore your basic needs? You couldn’t understand him.

You jumped as the door suddenly beeped and opened up, and you anxiously sat forward in your chair. A cart pushed its way into the room, and your heart briefly rose in excitement before falling again as a woman made her way into the room. No Ildwen today, it seemed. That was a shame. You’d learned the name of one other person on this ship, but now you didn’t have the chance to see them.

You politely thanked the woman for the food and tried to make small talk, but she gave you short answers and quickly set up your tray. She was gone as soon as she came, and soon you were left in silence once more. The food was fairly good, but it still felt bland in your mouth as you quietly ate. What a miserable existence.

The next few hours had you pacing around your new home, spending most of your time flipping through the few screens you had on your datapad or rolling around in your bed. Boredom crept through your body, and by the end of the third hour you were ready to rip your hair out. Ren could of at least given you something to do! If he wanted to kill you slowly, he was doing a good job of it.

So when your door hisses, you feel almost a little relieved. Apprehension follows soon after, however, because you didn’t order any food. Nervously, you slide off your bed and exit the room, peering down the hallway. Sure enough, the tall, black form of Ren stands in the front room, facing you. You thin your lips, cautiously approaching him and readying yourself for a fight.

He seems to be taking you in, his mask tilting up and down as he looks at your form. Curiously enough, he tilts his head, and the innocent gesture gives you a bit of cognitive dissonance. The puppy-like motion was so out of place on a man like himself, and you squared up your shoulders instinctively.

“Are you comfortable?”

Huh? You blinked, narrowing your eyes. “… In general?”

He nods to your form. “The uniform. Is it comfortable?”

_What?_ You glanced down briefly at your black clothes, suddenly once again becoming acutely aware of how tight they were. “… Not really.”

He makes a noise that sounds like a hum. “I’ll bring you something else.”

“No,” you immediately say, “It’s---It’s fine. I don’t want anything else from you.”

A long moment of silence stretches between the two of you, and you can feel a bead of sweat roll down your cheek.

“It doesn’t suit you anyways,” he explains, “As my student, you’ll wear robes like mine. It lets the crew know your status and who you stand beside.”

“I still haven’t agreed to that.”

“You will.” He sounds so sure. “I’ve seen it. You’ll stand by my side once you complete your training.”

You snort. “In your dreams.”

He steps toward you, and you immediately go into a defensive stance. “Are you so doubtful? I’ve had visions of you. You and I both know the power of the Force, and that changing the destiny it wills is impossible. Let me show you.”

Before you can pull back, his gloved fingertips graze your temple, and suddenly images are forced into your mind. Your chest heaving as you hold a quarterstaff. You blocking the strike of a robed figure wielding a scythe-like weapon. Staring out at an endless galaxy with Kylo at your side. His starlit face as he leans closer to you, pushing a hand through your hair--

_”Stop.”_ You jerk back so hard that you nearly fall over. “I’m… I’m not falling for mind tricks. I know how to create them too.”

His hand drops to his side, forming into a fist. “This is what I’ve been _shown_. It’s your destiny as much as it is mine! You’re only prolonging the inevitable by denying it.”

You step past him, rubbing your temple and willing the images away. There was way too much to unpack in what he just showed you, and you refused to even begin picking through it. You just wanted him to leave you alone.

“I left the Order and the Force for a reason. You know that. You were _there_.”

“That was a mistake. Skywalker gave up on you. I won’t. _I didn’t_.”

You whip around to face him. “You should have! You should have forgotten me, Ren.” His name is still so foreign on your tongue. “If you were going to choose this path, then you should of left me behind with the rest of your past. Why didn’t you?”

He’s clenching his fists so tight that you can hear the leather creaking. “How could I?”

Your brows knit, but you don’t have a chance to question him. He sharply turns on his heel, scanning through the door and locking it behind him. You’re left confused and hurt. He’d killed Ben to bring himself here, so why hadn’t he killed the memory of you too? You couldn’t make sense of it.

The rest of the day passed by with little event, your only company following Ren being the crew members who brought you lunch and dinner, as well as a woman who came along in the evening to pick up your used uniform. Ildwen didn’t appear for either time, leaving you feeling particularly lonely. They likely had a massive staff, but you’d at least hoped to see him once today. Your only conversation today had gone poorly, and you were sick of fighting.

You just had to hope for tomorrow. As you settled down for bed that night, you wrapped yourself tight in your sheets and allowed yourself to cry for the first time. Your tears were hot as they rolled down your cheeks and stained the pillow, and you covered your mouth to hold in your sobs. No one could hear you anyways, but you wanted to keep some of your dignity.

Was what Ren showed you truly your future? Would you be forced to open yourself up to the Force once more? _Could_ you even do such a thing? He seemed so certain you would train under him and learn to utilize your chaotic abilities, but the thought filled you with fear. If even he couldn’t train you, what would he do then? He had so much faith in the Force, but you had little doubt he wouldn’t just kill you if you didn’t meet his expectations.

Another sob fell over you. You had been nothing after leaving Yavin 4, and now you would die on some military base with no one but Ren to remember you. Had you been stronger, had you trained harder, you could of become something, and maybe you could have saved Ben. Now, you simply had to wait until he grew sick of you and tossed you away like trash. Waiting for your fate was agony.

A flicker of pain shot across your temple, then a sudden wave of calm washed over you. No, you wouldn’t die here. You would… No, you didn’t want to open yourself up to the Force again. What were you thinking? But… If it would keep you alive…

You sighed, shutting your eyes. You were tired. You’d start planning in the morning.

…

It seemed as if some higher power had some pity on you, for lunchtime found you in the company of Ildwen once more. He apologized that he hadn’t been able to deliver to you sooner, but he explained that he can’t necessarily choose who he gets to see. He also explained he couldn’t talk for long as he was expected back soon, but he could at least chat for a few minutes.

“C-Commander Ren is, um, easily upset,” he explained after you told him about your interaction yesterday, “Guessing from when you talked with him yesterday… Well, I-I heard some janitors talking about another cleanup from him.”

You raised an eyebrow, swallowing the food you had been working on. “What do you mean?”

Ildwen shrugged awkwardly. “Well… Commander Ren has a, uh, habit of d-destroying things when he’s upset. I hear he has to get cleaned up after _a lot_. I-I’m pretty glad to be on kitchen duty! If you get caught a-after he tantrums…”

“What a child!” You shook your head. “He never used to be this bad…”

“... You knew Commander Ren, miss?”

“Yes, we were--” You paused. How much were you supposed to say? Your training under Skywalker hadn’t necessarily been a secret, but it had been fairly hush-hush. “--Childhood friends.”

Ildwen seems shocked at that. “I wasn’t aware the Commander had any friends left. N-Not that he couldn’t if he wanted to! Don’t tell him I said that.”

You offered him a small smile. “It’s fine--no worries. I don’t know if we are friends anymore. He’s changed so much.”

“I guess I can see why he brought you here.”

“How do you figure?” you questioned, giving him a curious look.

“Well…” Ildwen looked away from you. “I’m certainly overstepping my boundaries here, so _please_ don’t tell him, but… L-Like I said, Commander Ren doesn’t really have anyone close to him. So, if you are friends… Well, if you were lonely and only had one friend, wouldn’t you want them close too? I guess even the Commander has some feelings… Ah, sorry! I shouldn’t say that.”

You furrowed your brow. Well, that _was_ true. If he really did consider you a companion even through his apparently heartless exterior, then it might be natural for him to try and keep you close. Regardless, that didn’t excuse him essentially kidnapping you. Further, you couldn’t understand why he hadn’t forgotten you with the rest of his past. Why keep one last thing, especially when you were so personally connected to Skywalker, who he seemed to have developed a hatred for?

“A-Anyways, I’ve said too much. I have to get going!” He gave you a short bow. “Um… W-Why don’t you stop by the kitchens sometime? We could talk some more! If that’s okay…”

You gave him a sad smile. “That would be nice, but I’m kind of under house arrest.”

His face dropped. “Oh… I-I’m sorry… Then--um--well--”

“I hope to see you tomorrow,” you murmured, giving him a nod.

His mouth opened and closed a few times, and eventually he offered another awkward bow before scurrying out.

He didn’t know, so you couldn’t blame him. Still, being reminded of how you were trapped here with little else to do than wait made you feel empty. You felt like a pet, waiting for you master to come home so you could feel a semblance of affection. Ren might as well of put you in a glass box and left you on display.

…

In both an act of grace and punishment, the next few days found you not having to suffer Ren’s company. It was pleasant, considering you knew you’d just end up in another argument, but you also found yourself nearly longing to see him again. He may have acted like an utter bastard in your presence, but he still talked to you. Ildwen was pleasant enough, but his skittish nature left your conversations feeling fairly bland. You had managed to at least get a few books in your room, but they were all about the First Order and the Empire of old. In short--boring.

You couldn’t take it anymore. These days of living like some caged animal were killing you, and you needed out. You’d formulated a plan of escape, and while you wouldn’t know where to go once you left this room, you had confidence in your ability to stealthily make your way out. Ren couldn’t keep you here any longer. The feeling of you wanting to talk to him had been the last straw.

So you waited for lunch time. You figured the majority of the crew would be eating, so the halls would be relatively empty. In your days here, you’d noted that anyone besides Ren who entered your room didn’t lock the door behind them. It seemed as if they hadn’t been notified to keep you locked up, or they didn’t consider you a flight risk. Either way, it was your only way out.

You were thankful it wasn’t Ildwen who entered, and instead a young woman you didn’t recognize. Had it been him, you would of felt terrible leaving him to pick up the pieces; but now you didn’t have to worry about a nameless face. You allowed her to set up your meal, pretending to absentmindedly play on your datapad.

You leaned forward, accidentally knocking the fork she’d carefully laid out onto the floor. “I’m sorry! Could you please pick that up? No worries about getting a new one--this floor is clean!”

She eyed you for a moment before leaning down to pick up your utensil. As she did, you sucked in a deep breath, bracing your legs.

And you bolted for the door.

You prayed, _prayed_ it didn’t somehow automatically unlock behind them, but as the hallway was revealed to you, a wave of relief washed over you. You didn’t have time to think, vaguely registering the surprised shout of the woman behind you, so you decided to go left. You darted down the hall, running as fast as your legs could carry you and thanking the stars for the traction on your shoes.

All the halls looked the same, but if you took enough lefts, you’d find the end of the maze, right? So you did so, running through the endless black hallways and skidding around corners. You were out of shape, so you soon began to breathe heavy, but your adrenaline kept you going. Just as you’d suspected, the hallways were virtually empty. Maybe you could make it to the loading bay unseen.

_”Prisoner escape in Officer Block C.”_ An intercom announcement blared out, rattling off your description. _”Heavy flight risk, considered dangerous. Approach with caution. Do not attack.”_

Hm. Dosh. You ducked into an alcove, hiding for a moment as you caught your breath. Wait, dangerous? What did they expect you to do? They’re the ones who had blasters! You bit your lip, placing a hand on your rapidly rising and falling chest. It seemed like you’d have to be more careful now.

The announcement played twice more, and you carefully listened after for the sound of footsteps. It seemed as if they hadn’t quite reached the block yet, so you slipped from your hiding place and began slinking down the halls. You could hear your heart hammering inside your chest, but you willed it to silence. Your anxiety would do you no good here.

You peered around a corner, sucking in a sharp breath as you spotted a group of three ‘Troopers marching past the entryway at the end of the hall. Thankfully, they weren’t heading your way, but you made the decision not the head down their hall and continued down where you had initially been heading. They’d been instructed not to shoot, but that didn’t mean they would listen. If they felt cornered, they might just fire.

You avoided a few more patrols, carefully picking your way through the halls and hiding in grooves in the wall as needed. It was nerve-wracking, but you were gradually making your way along. Fortunately, the stealth training exercises from long ago were coming into good use. You might just get out at this rate.

Suddenly, a grip on your mind. _”Where are you.”_

It wasn’t a question, a suggestion to tell him. In just a few words that wormed their way into your mind, Ren told you how furious he was. You simply thinned your lips, looking both ways as you can to an intersection before taking a left.

_”Tell me. Now. I’ll find you either way.”_

You tried imagining a closed door, an exercise from back then too, but the sharp pain in your temple told you it was no use. _”Tell me!”_

In your distraction, you rounded a corner without looking, and you bumped into a ‘Trooper. They seemed just as surprised as you, jolting backward and nearly running into their partner behind them. You gasped, your eyes widening as you froze.

“G… Get on the ground!”

You froze for a moment before your brain caught up to your feet and you started to scurry away. The ‘Trooper called after you, and soon you heard footsteps hot on your trail. Ren’s voice faded from your head as the sound of your heartbeat overtook him, and white hot fear laced its way through your veins. You wildly ran through the halls, distantly hearing the ‘Troopers' calls in the back of your mind.

You skidded around a corner, only to come face to face with a group of three more soldiers. They held up their hands, beginning to walk toward you as your pursuants rounded the corner. You looked back behind you, coming face to face with a white breastplate. A hand wrapped around your arm, and your head whipped up to look into the Stormtrooper’s helmet.

“Don’t resist. It’ll end badly.”

You felt your pulse fluttering in your neck, and a wave of lightheadedness washed over you. You could feel the blood drain from your face, and you tried to pull your arm back. The ‘Trooper held tight, and they bumped you with the end of their blaster.

“No!” you cried out, shaking your head, “Let me go!”

“Stop! Fighting!” They tightened their grip on you as you uselessly pounded your fist against their armor.

You were panicking. You felt like you were looking down at yourself as you struggled against the soldier, punching and screaming. They yelled at you, their words a garbled mess in your mind. Their partner came closer, reaching for your other arm as you thrashed around.

_”No!”_

You weren’t quite sure what happened. Suddenly, there were no hands on you, and you were wincing as a shower of sparks above you rained down. As you seemed to come back into your own body, you were met with the sight of a ruined hallway. From an epicenter around you, the ground was cracked and blown out. The ceiling above had wires and piping hanging down, and it threatened to fall down onto you.

The ‘Troopers once surrounding you now laid sprawled out in the hall, groaning and rolling on the ruined ground. One’s helmet had been knocked off, and you saw a young blonde woman with blood seeping from a cut on her forehead.

At your feet was the Stormtrooper who had grabbed you. They weren’t moving. The breastplate on their armor was caved in, far too deep. Beneath the edges of the helmet at their neck, you could see blood, thick and red, seeping down. A clear, shiny liquid melted with the crimson in a sickening mixture.

“Hah…” You wheezed out, your hands beginning to shake. “ _Hah…_ ”

“So, you’ve seen it.” A voice came farther down the hall. “What you’re truly capable of.”

You slowly turned toward the source of the noise, and Kylo Ren stood at the edge of the carnage, seemingly unperturbed. He walked toward you, his boots crunching through the broken ground below as he stepped over the groaning Stormtroopers. Once he reached you, he placed a hand on your shoulder with a surprising gentleness.

“Do you still believe the Force has left you?”

You stared at the ‘Trooper’s body at your feet. His gaze followed your own.

“If you don’t let me help you, more will die like this. I know you don’t want that. You’ve always been too kind.”

Your knees shook, and you unconsciously grasped Ren’s robes to prevent yourself from collapsing. His hand moved to around your back and supported you beneath your armpit. You could feel his arm flex against you as he held up your weight.

“... Let’s go back. This mess will get cleaned up.”

Gingerly, Ren led you away from the carnage, bending down to support you. Your feet shuffled uselessly across the floor, and you stared ahead with dead eyes as you tried to process the situation. He was surprisingly patient with you, slowly guiding you along and through the hallways. You passed a few more group of ‘Troopers along the way, and they gave the two of you wide berth. You supposed you’d been caught, anyways. But what did that matter?

The pair of you eventually reached a familiar hallway, and Ren keyed you into your room. Instead of dumping you in one of the chairs in the living room, he took you to your bedroom and set you on your bed. He hadn’t locked the door behind you. He didn’t need to.

He removed his mask with a sigh and set it on your dresser before turning to you. “What are you thinking?”

You folded your hands in your lap and stared at them. “You can see that if you wanted to.”

It seemed as if your voice had found you again, but it didn’t sound like yourself.

“Yes,” he sighed out, “But I want to hear you say it.”

You formed your hands into fists, feeling how your nails dug into your palms. “I killed someone.”

“Yes. You did. And they won’t be the last.”

You snapped your head up to him, glaring. He merely offered a shrug, moving to run his hand along the top of the dresser.

“Taking lives is never easy. The dark side of the Force means killing to further your passion. It strengthens you. Through pain, you find power.”

“And you believe that?” Your voice was full of venom.

He ignored you, continuing on, “Do you know the code of the Sith?”

Your silence said enough.

“ _Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength. Through strength, I gain power. Through power, I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me._ ”

You shook your head, allowing your gaze to fall. “That’s… That’s not a code. That’s just an excuse to hurt innocents.”

“I agree.” Your furrowed brow made him snort lightly, and he continued, “The Sith Code is just an excuse made by a long-dead woman to allow her and her followers to murder with indiscriminantion. And the Jedi Code? _“There is no emotion, there is peace? There is no chaos, there is harmony?"_ They’re two sides of the same coin, both put in place to allow their followers to do what they please in the name of some “code”. We shouldn’t follow ancient tenets when we’re the pioneers of the future.

“I want a new world with no Jedi _and_ no Sith. I want people to be able to use the Force as they please and not be dictated by ancient masters. I see a free world. A perfect world.” He stepped toward you and squatted down, meeting your gaze. “The dark side isn’t just evil, just as the light side isn’t good. The Jedi have done terrible things. Skywalker was no saint. But things have never had to be so black and white. We can make it better for everyone.”

He took one of your hands in his gloved one. “I want you to help me. Your power doesn’t have to remain dangerous. When you learn to control it, you can help me change entire worlds and galaxies.”

Your expression was sad. “I don’t want to kill anyone, Ren.”

“You don’t have to. Not if you stand with me. I’ll be both your sword and your shield." There's a long pause as his boyish eyes look over your face. " _Please._ "

You stared down at your hand in his, furrowing your brow. He seemed so genuine, even if his views were… Strange. He wasn’t wrong, even you knew the Jedi weren’t perfect. He seemed so certain that there could only be a future without them, however, and you weren’t so sure of that. You couldn’t imagine a world without both the Jedi and the Sith, the light side and the dark. It seemed so… Empty.

“I…” You sighed, looking up at him. His brown eyes were scanning your face, looking so hopeful. “… I don’t agree to any world-changing. Not yet. But… I don’t want to hurt anyone else, not if I can help it. If you think you can even _begin_ to help me control myself, then fine. I’ll train under you. But I agree to nothing else.”

He seemed disappointed, but a firm squeeze of your hand signaled his agreement. “In time, you’ll see I’m right. But I’ll help you.”

Ren let go of you and rose to his feet, forcing you to crane your neck to look up to him. “Training begins tomorrow. I’ll come get you. We’ll get you some new clothes better suited to training.”

You thought that was it, but he continued to stare at you. You couldn’t help but wither slightly under his gaze, and you awkwardly picked at one of your cuticles.

“Thank you.”

You furrowed your brow, giving him a confused look.

“For letting me help,” he said, “It’s all I ever wanted to do. Even back then. We’ll succeed together.”

With that, he picked up his helmet and secured it. You stared at his robes as he left, and the hissing and beep of your door signaled he was gone. You released the breath you had been holding and fell back onto your bed. Your eyes wandered along the ceiling as you wondered just what your future held. And you tried to forget the image of the bleeding ‘Trooper at your feet.

A student again, hm? Kriff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that could of gone better for you. Shame about that 'Trooper. But now you have a goal ahead of you! I wonder where it will lead?
> 
> I know I'm posting a day early, but I will absolutely not have a chance to post on Friday! So, lucky you!
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Kriff - An explicative similar to fuck  
> Sith Code - A code written by Jedi heretic Sorzus Syn many millennia ago
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	5. Chapter 4 - The Beginning

You awoke the following morning feeling _exhausted_. Hungry too. After the events of yesterday, you’d been too tired to order dinner. You merely waved at the laundry maid that came and collected your clothes, and you’d gone to bed quite early. Now, you weren’t certain you could even get to your feet. Such feelings had to be from the burst of Force energy you’d had.

You groaned, rubbing your eyes as you sat up. Unfortunately, you doubted Ren would allow you to sleep in. He said you would start training today, and he didn’t seem to be an easy-going master. What would training with him even entail? Likely a lot of drills. You were already sore.

It didn’t take you long to get ready, thankfully. You’d gotten the handle on your new uniform pretty quickly, and you just needed to take care of some basic hygiene. You contemplated a shower, but you had a feeling you’d just get sweaty again with training. That could be taken care of later, then. For now, it was time to order a large breakfast and wait for your new master to come fetch you.

Unfortunately, Kylo Ren had pretty terrible timing. Just as you were halfway through a delightful morning meal involving an assortment of fruits and some eggs--the latter not being quite as tasty as the tip-yip eggs that one diner on Vardos sold, but good nonetheless. He barged his way in, carrying what looked like a couple parcels. That got you sending him a wary look.

He paused in front of you, watching you eat for a moment, before unceremoniously dropping the packages onto the table and nearly knocking over your glass of shuura juice. “These robes will be more suited to training. Thy can be tailored to you later and given thicker padding for armor.”

More clothes? You offered an annoyed look. “Is this necessary?”

“You’ll need clothes that can be armored, and you need to appear as a student of mine.” He motioned to your current uniform. “And I figured you’d _appreciate_ not blending in with the crowd. And you complained about that uniform already.”

So this was a gesture of kindness? That was a little difficult to believe, but you’d accept it nonetheless. “Can I finish my breakfast first?”

He sighed. “Fine.”

He took a seat in front of you, and you stared at him with a fork halfway heading to your mouth. Even with his mask on, he seemed unamused.

“I so generously dedicated all of my time to you today,” he explained, “So I’ll be with you _all day_.”

“How terrible for you,” you jabbed back.

And so you ate breakfast with Kylo Ren. In silence. Horribly, horribly awkward silence. It was horrendous, but you got through it and left your dishes to be cleaned up by the next kitchen attendant. He motioned to the parcels once more, and you let out a long sigh. You guessed you would take anything more comfortable than this uniform, but it still seemed a bit excessive.

Ren had the decency to remain in the front room while you headed to your bathroom to change. You picked a package at random and opened it, unveiling a set of black robes that honestly felt more like a dress than anything. A high turtleneck went up below your jawline, and form-fitting sleeves ran down the length of your arms. A thick belt covered your waist, accenting the flaring skirt that ran down to your ankles. A pair of slits that went about a quarter up your thighs allowed for leg room. A cape of sorts hung from your shoulders, and you decided to slip on the leather gloves to complete the look.

By the stars, you looked like a little carbon copy of Ren. This was awful.

“I’m supposed to fight like this?” you remarked as you headed back into the front room, “I mean, I can. It just seems…”

His empty mask stared at you. Waiting.

“... _Excessive._ ”

“I had a few basic outfits made to what I thought you would like.”

When did he have time to get these made? Certainly not yesterday. Ugh, he probably had these tailored thinking you would have agreed to his proposal immediately. Had he always been this cocky?

“Can we get a set with some pants? I feel like I’m going to Canto Bight.”

“There is a set with pants.”

So you were just unlucky. “Right. Well, I’m ready.”

He hummed, his voice crackling, and he rose to his feet. He led you from your room, and for the first time, you were allowed to freely walk the halls--well, somewhat. Ren was still leading you, but he wasn’t gripping your arm or walking behind you. If you wanted to, you could likely dart away from him and make your escape; but the image of blood dripping down from that ‘Trooper’s helmet entered your mind and you threw the thought away.

Officers and Stormtroopers alike in the halls parted for the two of you, giving small bows or nods of their heads as you passed by. You tried to straighten your back and walk tall, but you felt so _awkward_. Further, Ren walked fast, so you had to do an awkward half-jog to keep up. A slight chill ran up your bare legs beneath the dress, and you noted how cold the halls were. You hadn’t noticed when the adrenaline was running through you, but it was chilly out here. Your room must have had heating.

Ren led you into a large open room, and you noted mats spread out on the floor, as well as a variety of both practice and real weapons lining the various racks on the walls. The florescent lights above were harsh, and you squinted as you stepped up onto the mats. This was not a place of comfort.

“We won’t be disturbed here,” came his voice ahead of you.

He turned to face you, and the light glinted off of his mask. You couldn’t help but shrink back slightly.

“You have questions,” he stated, “Once we strengthen your connection again, our first step is going to be learning to conceal your thoughts. You’re _loud_.”

You frowned, offering a lazy shrug of your shoulder. “You’re the one probing my mind.”

“I’m not. You unknowingly broadcast your thoughts. You have a strong Force presence, but you also won’t stop thinking. It’s how I found you on Vardos.”

You obviously made some kind of confused expression, because he sighed and continued, “As soon as we landed, I could sense your presence. I had gone along for my own business, but I couldn’t of left you behind. Initially I was glad to see you again. Time helped me forget what a pest you were.”

“And I’d hoped you’d become a better person. Looks like we both had bad expectations.”

You had no idea what he thought of that, because he merely motioned to the ground below you. “Sit. We’re going to meditate.”

Meditate? That was a surprisingly docile thing, but you couldn’t say you minded. Meditation had always been particularly calming, though that had been when you were training to become a Jedi. Things could certainly be different now.

You sat cross-legged on the floor, carefully tucking your robes. “I… I thought I’d closed myself off from the Force entirely. I don’t understand how I was able to do… _That_.”

“You think you, a novice in the Force, could close yourself off completely from something you don’t even have control over?”

You glared at him, and he merely shrugged as he continued to explain, “Only masters of the Force can completely block their own connection. Think of it like a locked door. Removing yourself completely from the Force means shutting the door and locking it. You closed it, but you forgot the locks. It can still make its way in if it pushes hard enough. That’s what happened yesterday.”

You frowned, picking at your clothes. “I eventually was able to stop sensing the emotions of those around me. I guessed that I’d finally severed the connection. I suppose I just got good at ignoring it.”

“Exactly,” Ren nodded, “And now we’re going to open the door, but we’re going to do it slowly. You could kill me if we do this too fast.”

You sent him a nervous look. Could you?

He placed his hands on his knees, his deep inhale coming through in static from his helmet. “I want you to try to see what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking. I won’t block my mind from you.”

“I don’t think--”

“No. Just try. You have more potential than you think.”

You sighed, mimicking his position and closing your eyes. You took several deep breaths, trying to clear your thoughts and ignore the hum of electricity from the lights above. You didn’t even know if you could do this. What if you failed? It had been so long since you’d done anything like this.

“ _Stop._ Focus on me.”

So you tried. You imagined him in your mind’s eye, cross-legged in front of you. You stared into the empty void of his mask, your brows furrowing as you tried to see past the lense. What was he thinking? He’d changed so much, it was hard to guess. Back when you’d knew him as an apprentice, you’d been able to read his face so easily. Even when you couldn’t see him, you could always sense his emotions coming off of him in waves.

Perhaps that’s why he wore the helmet. Even thought he’d no doubt had training to mask his emotions, physically and through the Force, he still had such expressive eyes. Even now in the moments when you’d seen him unmasked, you were able to look into those dark, soulful eyes of his and glimpse what his emotions were. But his thoughts themselves still escaped you.

And now that you thought all this, you realized he likely heard each and every thought too. If he did, he didn’t acknowledge you, and you continued to stare at his form in the empty space of your mind. You could see his chest rising and falling with each breath. The way his hands flexed against his knees. Yet that empty visage stared back at you, and a dark humming wormed its way into your mind.

_Where was Ben?_

You sighed, opening your eyes and shaking your head. “I can’t.”

Ren made an annoyed sound. “You’re already reading me without knowing it. You just have to listen.”

“I’m trying!” you groaned, “But… It’s that mask. I can’t…”

He stared at you. Waiting.

“... Take it off. Please.”

“You’ll be closing your eyes anyways. You don’t need to look at me.”

“It’s… It’s in my head. I can only see you with the mask. I _know_ I’ve seen you without it, but… Please. It’ll help.”

There’s a long moment where he just watches you, and you’re certain he’ll tell you to suck it up and try anyways--but then his hands reach up. His helmet hisses, and he gingerly removes it and sets it at his side. His dark hair is wild, sticking up briefly before he smooths it down. He blinks at you, eyes flicking over your face as he takes in the immediate relief that washes over you.

“Close your eyes,” he whispers.

You try again, allowing them to slip shut. In a few moments, you see Ren again, and this time the mask is gone. He stares back at you, slightly tilting his head. His black hair falls into his face, curling against his plush lips. Dark lashes frame his eyes, and you can see flickers of his feelings within them. Right now, he seems content. Almost happy. The dark humming is gone.

The dark space suddenly is filled with thick trees and shrubs, and in the back of your mind you can hear the calls of birds. Humidity sticks to your skin like a blanket, but it’s welcome. You can feel an insect brush your leg. A bead of condensation drops from a leaf above. _Home._

“I miss this place.” You can hear your voice both in reality and in your mind. It’s strange.

“I know.” Ren speaks to you in the forest.

“Are you showing this to me?”

“I’m helping you,” he murmurs, “But the forest was your choice.”

You keep your eyes locked on him, worried that if you truly take in your surroundings and relive your childhood, it’ll all fade away. He stares back, patient. This is the man you remember. You wish he hadn’t changed. You miss Ben.

“You’re hurt,” you suddenly state.

He doesn’t respond.

You reach your hand down, feeling the forest floor below. Your finger brushes something round and slightly squishy, and you gingerly squeeze it.

“Grenade fungi,” you whisper, giving a slight laugh, “We used to dry the little ones and throw them like firecrackers. I… I forgot.”

You swear you see a glimmer of a smile on Ren’s face.

“Master Luke always got so mad,” you giggled out, “I think he secretly thought it was funny. Voe always told on us, though. She was a snitch.”

Ren looks up above you and past you, and you offer a confused look. A warmth begins to spread to your back, and you hear a crackle of fire. A spark singes through your back, and you start to turn around--

“Don’t look.”

As soon as you turn, your eyes open, and you’re looking behind you at the empty training room. No grenade fungus in your fingers, and your clothes aren’t burnt. The scent of smoke still hangs in your nose, however.

“What was that?” you ask, looking back to Ren.

He has a cold expression, and he rises up to his feet while picking up his helmet and placing it back on. “That’s enough. We’re going to work on your fighting stances now. You’ve forgotten too much.”

Ugh. You frown, but nonetheless stand up too. It was nice to see the jungle of Yavin 4 again, at least. Your dreams about them always felt inaccurate, but it seemed Ren remembered them better than you. Perhaps future meditation sessions would let you see it again. You missed climbing the purple Massassi trees.

Ren tosses you a quarterstaff and grabs one for himself as well. “Attack me.”

You raise an eyebrow. “Not even gonna give me some tips first?”

“You’ll learn.”

You grasp the quarterstaff in two hands, feeling its weight. Well, no time like the present. You whipped out with a sweeping strike to his side, and he effortlessly blocks it. With lightning speed, he hooks your staff with his own and tugs you forward. Using your momentum, he rips the staff from your hand and kicks his leg out. His foot goes straight into your stomach, and you gasp as you’re sent sprawling.

“Kriffing--stars-- _Ren_ \--” you wheeze between gasps.

“Sloppy,” he states, kneeling down to pick up your discarded weapon, “Your footwork is unstable and you’ve forgotten how to hold a weapon. I could kill you without thinking.”

He was straight back to insults and business. You groaned as you sat up, leaning back on your hands. He tossed the staff down to you, and you barely caught it before it bonked you on the nose.

“Get up. You’ll learn or you’ll get beaten. Attack me again.”

You had a feeling you’d be beaten anyways. This was going to be a bad day.

…

Two hours later and you can’t get up. You’re stuck on your back, gasping as sharp pain in your side jumps with each breath. You were covered in welts from where Ren had struck you with his quarterstaff, and no doubt bruises littered your body. Your master seemed barely tired, the only indication you’d done any work coming from his rapidly rising and falling chest.

“Can you stand?”

You wheeze, throwing an arm over your eyes.

A static-filled sound of annoyance escapes him, and you can hear his muffled footsteps as he walks away. There’s a small clatter as he hangs up the staves, and you slowly pull your arm from your face and squint at the lights above. Soon, darkness fills your vision as he looms over you, staring down at your crumpled form. You don’t have to read his emotions to know what he thinks of you.

“Up. I’ll take you to the medbay.”

He didn’t offer a hand, so after several long moments you struggled to your feet. You held your pulsing side, and you stood hunched. Your knees felt so weak. You hadn’t trained this hard in a long time, and you had never once in your life been beaten so badly. Ren certainly didn’t care about your well-being like you’d once thought. He just wanted to beat the daylights out of you.

He walked fast, but not as fast as before. You still had to quickly limp to keep up, but you wouldn’t be left behind. You earned strange looks from those you passed in the halls, but they were wary to stare at you too long with Ren nearby. No doubt they thought he’d beaten you for something you’d done and was leading you back to your makeshift prison cell. They weren’t completely wrong.

The medbay was relatively empty of people with only a few medical staff and droids being present, along with a couple unhelmeted ‘Troopers being treated. You noted the three unplugged bacta tanks in the corner, no doubt the ones Ren had brought with him when he took you. They were a reminder of what you’d been forced to leave behind, and you quickly averted your gaze.

An older woman in a black uniform looked up at the two of you from your datapad, but she merely offered a tired look. It seemed Ren couldn’t intimidate her, and you wished you had half her backbone.

“Ah, Commander Ren. I wasn’t aware you’d gone on a mission. What’s the damage this time?”

“I haven’t,” he plainly states.

The woman’s blue eyes shift to you. “Then the girl…?”

Ren’s silence is an answer enough, and she sighs. “Right. Come here then, girlie. Let me get a look at you.”

You give the dark figure at your side a look before hobbling forward. The woman sets you up on one of the beds, and she clucks her tongue as she looks at the raised welts on your arm.

“Poor thing.” She lowers her voice. “You’re lucky he didn’t kill you. You should watch your tone around him.”

“That’s not it,” you groan, wincing as she pushes up your other sleeve to see more damage, “We’re training.”

She raises a thick brown brow and glances over at Ren. He’s staring at the two of you. “… A student then. I didn’t know you took students.”

“Don’t question me.”

She only rolls her eyes and looks back to you. “If that’s the case, then, I’ll be seeing you a lot more. I want to get a better look at your injuries, so let’s get you undressed. Commander Ren--a bit of privacy.”

He stands there for a few moments longer, arms crossed, before huffing and leaving the medbay. She snorts and draws the curtain around your bed and waits just outside of it. Well, seemed like the two of you would be getting acquainted.

She investigated your injuries, and as you talked to her a bit longer, you learned her name was Doctor Alana Shemp. She used to work for the Empire until it fell apart a little over twenty years ago. She jumped around various hospitals as she could, but being known as an Imperial made it difficult to find work in the Republic. When the First Order requested medical personnel, she was quick to take up the job.

Regardless, she didn’t look her age. Yes, she had bags beneath her eyes and there was a shock of white through her neatly pulled back brown hair, but she was relatively young in appearance. Those blue eyes of hers were bright and intelligent, and she reminded you a bit of your mother in demeanor.

Hm. You hadn’t thought about her in a while.

“That gel I applied should help you heal faster, and I can give you some pain medication before you leave,” Dr. Shemp called through the curtain as you got dressed.

You fixed the last bit of your clothing before opening up the curtain. She squeezed some sanitizer onto her hands and gave you a small smile as you exited. Your muscles already did feel a little better, but moving was still painful.

Ren entered the room as soon as you finished sliding the curtain, and Dr. Shemp held up her hand as he got closer. Miraculously enough, he stopped.

“You should take it easier on her. The human body can only take so much abuse.”

“Watch your tone.”

She shrugs. “I’m simply saying that a student is no good dead. If you’re looking to make another Knight, you’ll need her alive.”

“Don’t presume to tell me what to do, Doctor.”

“Of course, _Commander Ren_ ,” she says in a sickly sweet tone, “My apologies.”

She leaves the two of you briefly to rifle through the nearby cabinets, and you look up into his mask. “A Knight? What’s that?”

You can feel the annoyance radiating off of him at your question. He’s probably sick of you. “The Knights of Ren are a group of elite soldiers that I alone command. I am not training you to be one of them.”

“Then what are you training me for?”

His helmet turns to you. “To help you.”

You raise an eyebrow, but you don’t get to question him any further before Dr. Shemp returns. She hands you a small bottle of medication, and you rattle it briefly.

“Those should numb the pain. If you run out, just bring me the empty bottle and I can get you more. They’re not terribly strong, but it should help you while keeping your mind clear.”

You hold the bottle close. “Thanks.”

She nods. “If that’s all I can do for you, I’ll be getting back to work. I hope I don’t have to see you any time soon.”

With that, Ren led you away. You were still slightly limping, but now you could at least keep pace with him. You didn’t want to have to go to the medbay every day, but Dr. Shemp wouldn’t be so terrible to see. She was kind, and she could stand up to Ren without getting killed. Perhaps even he recognized that the loss of a doctor with as much experience as her would hurt the First Order.

You were allowed into your room, and you found yourself surprised at the food waiting for you on the table. You set the bottle beside the tray and leaned over to investigate the meal.

“I ordered lunch for you while you were being treated,” Ren explains, standing by the doorway.

Oh. “… Thanks.”

He hums. “Training will begin at the same time tomorrow. Be ready when I get here. I will not wait for you next time.”

He does something nice, then he immediately ruins the moment by being rude. You couldn’t get a read on him. You offered a nod as you gingerly sat down, and soon he was gone in a swish of his robes. Unlike the times before, the door didn’t beep behind him. So, he seemed to trust you just enough.

As you settled into lunch, you mused over what the next few weeks would bring. Now that you’d agreed to let him help you, no doubt Ren would be training you every day. Your muscles would grow sore, but perhaps it would be worth it. Even if you couldn’t control your Force connection, you could at least grow strong again. In time, maybe you could even stand up to Ren.

For now, it was better to try and ignore the way your body protested as you moved and do your best to regain your strength.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ren is hot and cold with how he treats you, but at least you've begun training. Hopefully you'll learn to control yourself before you have another accident.
> 
> The story is slowly coming along! I was so excited to write the meditation session. I hope you liked it too!
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Tip-yip - A species of chicken that lives on Endor. Tip-yip is their Ewokese name.  
> Shuura fruit - A yellow, juicy fruit with a sweet taste. It's often used in flavored syrups.  
> Canto Bight - A coastal city on Cantonica known for its extravagant casinos and racetracks  
> Grenade fungus - A type of fungus that grows on Yavin 4. When dried, it becomes explosive.  
> Voe - An apprentice that trained alongside Ben Solo in the Rise of Kylo Ren comics  
> Massassi tree - A purple-barked tree that grows on Yavin 4. They were home to a variety of jungle animals.
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	6. Chapter 5 - Knights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: brief mention of depression and suicidal thoughts; emetophobia; blood

The following days were misery.

Each morning, Kylo Ren would fetch you from your chambers, barely giving you a chance to wolf down breakfast before he arrived. The start of each session had you both meditating with his helmet off, allowing you to try to read his emotions. He never brought you back to the forests of Yavin 4 after the first day, which you missed. Instead, you would stare at him in an empty space and try to read him. Sometimes you were successful. Usually you just gave up.

Meditation was always followed by sparring. Sometimes he’d teach you some stances with whatever weapon he chose, but often you just found yourself getting beaten down by him immediately. You rarely landed hits, and Ren seemed to hold nothing back against you. He may not have broken your bones, but the way you felt after each session almost felt worse than any injury.

At the end, he’d trail after you and you limped your way to the medbay. Dr. Shemp always seemed disappointed to see you again, but she’d quickly and efficiently treat your wounds as Ren waited just outside. You had yet to fill up your pain medication again, but no doubt you would need it soon considering how often you took it.

So when morning arrived again and Ren stepped into the room as you shoveled the last of your breakfast into your mouth, you gave him a tired look.

“I’m leaving on a mission.”

Oh. That was unexpected. You wiped your hands off on the provided napkin and offered him a curious look. “What kind of mission?”

“Nothing you need to know of,” he states plainly, “I’ll be gone for a few days. You will continue your training in the meantime.”

You frown, groaning as you stretch your legs out beneath the table. “If you’re gone, shouldn’t I have a break? I can’t exactly train myself.”

His mask stares you down, and you cringe slightly. You hate that thing. “If you want your abilities to spiral out of control again and kill another Stormtrooper, then, be my guest, take another break.”

Your silence is an answer for him.

He nods toward the hallway. “You won’t be training yourself. You’ll have help.”

That had you curious. Who did he trust enough to assist you? Did that mean there was another Force user on the base? Despite the pain you felt, you had to admit you wanted to know, so you forced yourself up. Ren was immediately walking down the hall as soon as you stood, so you hurried to scramble after him.

You were led to your usual training room, but unlike the days prior when it was empty upon your arrival, seven darkly robed figures stood in the room. You couldn’t help but stand slightly behind Ren, feeling a bit apprehensive about these intimidating strangers. They wore a variety of masks, but they all bore a resemblance to your master’s. The weapons they wielding were all unique and could no doubt easily slaughter you.

“These are the Knights of Ren,” he explained, glancing over his shoulder and down at you, “You will become well acquainted.”

You weren’t sure you wanted to, but you stepped around him and cleared your throat. “Uh, hello.”

None of them responded, and you internally cringed. This was awful. This was terrible. Why couldn’t Ren stay? Were you expected to train with these soldiers? They’d kill you in an instant. Goodbye mortal world, it was nice knowing you.

Ren addressed his minions. “Ap’lek, Vicrul, Xenok--you will stay behind. Xenok, you’re training her this morning. The rest of the days can be decided among yourselves. The rest of you, with me.”

With that, he turned on his heel, and the remaining unknown Knights trailed after him. You opened your mouth in protest, but Ren was already heading down the hall and away from you. You stared after him for a long time, before turning to the remaining figures. They stared at you. You felt the hairs on your the back of your neck rise.

One of the figures stepped forward. Like the others, they were draped in a menagerie of black robes, but a chest piece made of thick metal plates shone brightly in the light, and a similar skirt of plates hung down and covered their thighs. Two large curved blades extended off of their gauntlets and curled around their elbows--no doubt a backup in hand-to-hand situations. Their helmet was a thick piece of armor with triangular notches and a thin line connecting the two for eyeholes. A pair of raised edges on the top of the helmet created crests that extended down the back.

The weapon they bore was perhaps the most intimidating. Deep black like the rest of them, it was a nasty looking glaive. A huge blade curved on the top of the pole, the bottom of it flat before the end suddenly curved into the sky. A pair of spikes curled up on either side at the base. A smaller blade sat at the opposite end, shaped almost like a karambit you’d seen sold in the less savory markets on Vardos. It had a dull sheen about it, and all in all looked like a formidable weapon.

“Let’s begin.” A masculine voice, similarly warbled in the way Ren’s was when he wore the helmet, came from the figure.

Ap’lek and Vicrul, whichever was which, didn’t seem interested in watching the ship wreck that was about to transpire. They left the training room, and a heavy silence accompanied only by the buzzing of the overhead lights settled over. You swallowed a thick wad of saliva and gave a small nod.

Xenok, you assumed, walked over to the shelves holding the various weapons and leaned his glaive against it. Instead of picking up a new one, he turned to you and held up his fists in a defensive stance.

“Attack.”

There would be no preamble, it seemed. You sighed, raising your arms and ignoring the way the muscles protested at even such a simple movement. You knew nothing of this man’s combat prowess or if he’d go easy on you. If he was anything like Ren, you doubted he held any pity for your sorry state. Training would be training, and no doubt you’d find yourself in Dr. Shemp’s care once more.

His mask didn’t seem to offer great peripheral vision, so you decided to aim for his sides and hope for a lucky hit. Your feet scurried forward and you swing in with a right hook, aiming for his ribs. Despite his large and rather bulky form, Xenok moved quickly, and he caught your punch with his gauntlet. Your very bones themselves tingled as your fist connected with the metal gauntlet, and you couldn’t help but retract your hand and shake it out.

The Knight didn’t wait, instead throwing a punch of his own. You narrowly ducked out of the way of the gloved fist, avoiding a no doubt painful punch to your shoulder. There was no time to recover as he darted out with his other hand, and you scurried back to avoid getting hit in the gut. Your boots slid across the mat, and you had to twist on your heel to avoid falling over.

You tried to meet him halfway, tossing your own punches, but he either blocked them or dodged them all together. The only moment you came close to hitting him was when you feinted a hit for his helmet and instead had your free hand come in for an uppercut to his chest. Unfortunately, he caught on to you in the last second, and he did a gravity-defying bend to avoid you. You aimed to sweep out his legs from beneath him when he was already unbalanced, but he continued his backbend until he flipped over and back onto his feet. His skirt of plates clanked noisily, but he was otherwise unbothered by the feat of athleticism.

Unfortunately, fighting for an extended period of time left you feeling tired, and your guard fell down. Xenok found his opening, and you couldn’t react in time before his fist connected with your temple. You were sent sprawling onto the mats, your head reeling and a light wave of nausea washing over you. You shifted to try and scrabble back up, but a sudden blast of pain to your side had your body jumping and the air whooshing from your lungs.

Xenok brought his leg back down and stared at your form, though you could barely stare up at him. You’d already been knocked down, but he’d seen it fit to attack you anyways. You held your side and groaned in pain, rolling over and curling up. Ren had never done that.

“Weak,” the Knight spat, nudging your stomach with his boot, “Have you learned nothing?”

You coughed, glaring up at him. “I only just started training.”

“I took down my first opponent on my first day of training. I killed my first man on my twelfth. It’s beyond me why Kylo would choose such a weak student, especially as his first. Force-sensitivity means nothing--you don’t have the power to wield it. I would have killed you on the first day.”

His insults made you angry, but what was more curious was that he didn’t know the exact reason you were here. Ren may have wanted to help you, but his original intention had never been to just make you his student. Was that what he had told the Knights? If that was the case, it was possible they didn’t know your true background.

You struggled to sit up, still clutching your side. “Then maybe you could teach me something instead of beating me down.”

There’s a garbled laugh from his mask, and he reaches out and snatches you by the hair. You gasp, your hand darting up to grab his wrist. He merely shakes your head, and you can do little to fight the painful movement.

“Why are you here? You can’t do anything. You haven’t landed a single hit on him or me. What are you? His little _whore_? Is he training you so you don’t die the second you mouth off? You don’t deserve to use the dark side.”

You snarled at him, staring up into his mask. In a burst of energy, you could feel his emotions radiating off of him in waves. Anger and disgust whipped into your face like hurricane winds, stinging you. Then--a sharp pain in your head, this time in both of your temples, and your grip on his wrist loosened. Xenok laughed at you again.

“Your use of the Force is so primitive. You’re a shame to everything the Force is. Schutta.”

He tossed you to the ground, and you collapsed back against the mats with a grunt. He nudged you with his boot again, and you attempted to slap it away.

“Get up. Kylo won’t let me kill you, but if you don’t keep fighting, there might be an accident.”

And so you forced yourself to your feet, using your rage to keep you standing. You didn’t agree with the Sith in any regard, but they were right about one thing: rage fueled a person. If your anger kept you on your feet, you’d use that for now. You wouldn’t be beaten down by this sleemo and left for dead. If you were going to be stuck on this frigid base, you’d prove you had a right to be here.

For all it was worth, you did manage to hold your own, but you still found yourself at the end of the training session in incredible pain. You were barely standing, the anger from before the only thing keeping you on your feet. Xenok was breathing a bit heavier too, but nowhere near as much as you. He called off the session by simply saying you were finished, and you nearly collapsed at those words. Still, you had something to prove, so you stood, hunched over, and glared.

He snorted at you and fetched his gruesome glaive from the rack. His mask tilted down to stare at you, and he twirled the weapon once before securing it in its holster on his back.

“You’ll die here,” he grunts out before leaving the room with a flourish of his cape.

You waited, waited until you couldn’t hear his footsteps. Then you waited some more. And when you finally felt it was safe, you collapsed to your knees and vomited. You felt disgusting, but the nausea your body felt after being abused couldn’t be held back any longer. You wiped the remaining sick off of your mouth with the back of your hand and gave a weak but shrill laugh. What in the universe had you gotten yourself into?

You’d thought Ren had been terrible, despite his occasional softness he seemed to show you. You had been angry at him for whisking you away from Vardos and forcing you to begin training again. He insulted you and beat you down, but now you saw he’d been holding back, if only slightly. Xenok, and no doubt the rest of the Knights, cared little if you were little more than a bloodied husk at the end of training. In their eyes, you were a weakling, a little piece Ren had picked up and would soon toss aside.

You had no purpose. In time you would be discarded, and it wasn’t worth their time to train you.

True as it may be, you still wanted to prove you weren’t completely useless. You still held little love for the Force and found yourself even fearing it, but now you wanted to prove you had control over it. If nothing else, perhaps then you could prove you were worth training. You didn’t want to kill anyone else, not even a man like Xenok. You wanted to prove you had a place in this world.

When you left Yavin 4 and Skywalker, you admit you felt like there was nowhere you could exist. You’d dedicated seven years of your life to something you had nothing to show for, and before that you’d been a politician’s pretty little daughter, groomed to one day take your mother’s place. You had no head for politics and social etiquette, so you failed that too.

After getting stuck on Vardos, the darkness in your mind only grew stronger. You felt so empty, so desolate. Not unlike the sand planets you’d heard of but never seen, you felt barren and useless, devoid of hope and life. Day in and day out you did mind-numbing work, making a living but not really living. You were depressed. You didn’t have much left motivation in you at that point, and you knew that it wouldn’t have been long before you’d given up all together.

In a way, Ren kidnapping you had been the best thing to happen to you in a long time. Granted, you were still royally pissed at him, but he’d saved you from… Something you didn’t want to think about. By being selfish, he’d given you a chance to start a new life. You weren’t sure how you still felt about this entire situation, but now you didn’t have to wither away on some urban planet with nothing to live for.

Ren had saved you; or, in a way, Ben had. He’d never forgotten you, and so he’d rescued you. You were strangely thankful to the brooding man.

You slowly stood up, offering a disgusted look to the pile of sick below you. You would… Have to get that cleaned up. _Sorry, janitor. I didn’t mean it._

With that, you slowly exited the training room and made your way to the medbay. You needed some extra help this time.

…

The second Dr. Shemp saw you, she clucked her tongue and gave you a disappointed look. You just offered a weak half-smile and hobbled over to one of the beds, easing yourself up onto it with a groan. She went to fetch you a standard white gown to change into, and you began slowly trying to unlatch the buckles on your boots. Ugh, bending at the waist hurt.

“He can’t keep training you this hard,” Dr. Shemp stated, “Eventually your body is going to give up. I know discussions with the Commander are generally out of the question, but as his student you need to make an attempt.”

You set one of your boots on the ground, sighing. “I don’t think he’d listen to me, so I don’t really have a choice. It’s not like I can tell his Knights to take it easy on me.”

“Pardon me?” She raised an eyebrow at you as she returned with the gown.

“Ren left on a mission. He left some of the Knights to train me. I thought you knew when he left?”

She shakes her head, passing the garment over to you. “Occasionally, but generally I only know when he returns injured--which, despite his extensive training, is often. He may be a skilled warrior, but he’s careless. He won’t always come to me when he’s hurt, but I’ve treated a few burns from his lightsaber when he’s gotten carried away.”

Lightsaber? Now that you thought about it, he had an instrument clipped to his belt that looked an awful lot like a lightsaber handle. It had just been such an unusual design you weren’t sure what it was. You hadn’t been aware he’d earned one, considering you didn’t know if he’d completed his Jedi training. Perhaps it was a Sith blade?

“Regardless, I can’t believe he’s more a fool than I took him for.”

You snorted a bit at that. “How do you figure?”

She motioned to your gown and closed the curtain surrounding the bed. You took the suggestion and began the long process of getting undressed.

She continued, her voice just outside the curtain, “The Knights are trained soldiers, not unlike Stormtroopers. They’re effective and efficient. They’re meant to be out in the field completing missions. Ren is no saint by any means, but he at least recognizes you’re his student and will try to preserve you. I doubt any of the Knights care for your safety.”

That was comforting. “Maybe this is his way of getting rid of me.”

“I doubt that. Why go through all the trouble of bringing you here and dedicating his time to you if he was going to have some brute kill you?”

It had been a half-joke, but she wasn’t wrong. Still, if he’d known the brutality of the Knights, why put you under their tutelage? Surely he’d at least been aware of the way Xenok would treat you. If he cared for you half as much as he seemed to claim, he’d have allowed you a break while he was gone. So much for being your savior.

Eventually, you managed to strip down and slip into the gown, and Dr. Shemp entered once more. She carefully checked you over, sighing as she looked at your bruised side. You hadn’t been injured long ago, but a dark bruise was beginning to blossom from where Xenok had kicked you. She gently prodded along it and you hissed.

That had her looking concerned, and she called over one of the droids that milled aimlessly about. The GH-7 medical unit was humanoid in appearance, bearing a pair of cyan eyes and a slit that could be a mouth. It tilted its head at you, its three arms curled up around itself.

“Please hold still. Scanning.” Its voice was soft and calming, though it still bore that electrical drone most droids had.

A greenish light washed over you as the droid scanned you, and you did your best to slow your breathing and hold perfectly still. It took only a moment, and then from its head came another green light, showing a near-perfect projection of your body. There were a few darker areas on the figure, and a quick check to yourself showed those corresponded with your injuries.

“Various contusions present. Muscle tissues in biceps and deltoids exhibiting signs of strain. No broken bones present. Recommended treatment: topical bacta gel application and bedrest. Medication for pain may be provided by the decision of your care specialist.”

“Thank you, Gee. That’s all we needed.” Dr. Shemp waved the droid off.

It gave a short nod of its head before slowly floating off. What a cute little droid.

“You’re very lucky you don’t have broken ribs,” she scolded, walking over to the storage chest that the pods of bacta gel were kept in, “But if you keep this up, you will. I implore you to at least talk to Commander Ren when he returns.”

You sighed. You could absolutely not guarantee that it would work or that he’d even try listening to you, but you would at least have to try. You didn’t enjoy feeling like trash every day, and Dr. Shemp’s worry made you a bit sad. Perhaps you could convince him.

…

Unfortunately, Ren would not return for a few more days. A shower the previous day allowed your shoulders to relax and heal a bit, but the following morning found yourself in the training room once more. Xenok hadn’t fetched you this morning, but instead it was one of the figures from yesterday.

His helmet was fairly primitive, but intimidating nonetheless. He bore a heavy, treated cloak with a hood he never removed, and a long black tunic covered the majority of his form. Gauntlets with raised edges sat on his arms, their metal glinting in the light. His favored weapon was a huge black axe that you couldn’t help but stare at as he walked you to the training room.

He introduced himself as Ap’lek, and then he didn’t speak again after that. He was quiet through your training, and you heard little more than the occasional grunt from him as he beat you down. He wasn’t quite as brutal as Xenok had been the previous day, but you were still left bruised from the quarterstaff he chose to wield against you. At the end of all of it, you used the weapon as a cane to keep yourself standing.

His only acknowledgement to you was a grunt before he left. Better than getting called names, you supposed, but the lack of any sort of praise left you feeling a bit hollow. You at least preferred his method of training compared to Xenok’s.

The remaining Knight, Vicrul, came to you the next day. He was more talkative than his previous counterpart, but he still didn’t seem to have a high opinion of you. His unusual helmet bore down on you, forcing you to stare at its grenade-like exterior. The thick scaled pelt he wore as a cape made you shudder whenever it brushed against you as you sparred, and you had to desperately use the war blade he’d provided you to hold him back.

He, thankfully, hadn’t chosen to use the nasty scythe he had as his weapon, but his own war blade was still sharp and dangerous. He avoided directly stabbing you, but you eventually found yourself gasping as it clipped your shoulder. Your sleeve, unarmored and little more than paper to a blade, was cut easily, and the shock of pain you felt was accompanied by the wet feeling of blood. You had little time to recover, for Vicrul dove in with a series of strikes.

In the end, your blood had dried after seeping into your clothes and down your arm, and the Knight told you that you had so much more to learn. Dr. Shemp hadn’t been happy to patch you up with an IT-S00.2 medical droid, though its precise movements were a welcome relief to the traditional method of stitching. Gee, the GH-47 model you now knew it as, had happily informed you the laceration would heal quickly and the bacta gel would reduce scarring. It stated with a bit of remorse, however, that your clothes would not suffer the same fate and would likely need tailoring--an art it was not programmed for.

Eventually, Dr. Shemp reluctantly cleared you, and you scurried off to your room for some well-deserved rest. You placed an order for lunch and hopped into the shower to clear off the grime and blood from today’s training. You had started to used to feeling sweaty, but it was still nice to wash it away. The heat of the water eased your sore muscles too, and you felt almost human after each shower. That is, if you didn’t think about how many times this water had been recycled.

You stuck your head under the stream, your face puffing out as you held your breath. You had been training by each of the Knights Ren had left behind, and you wondered if you would be stuck with Xenok once more tomorrow. It only seemed natural, if they had made their own rotation. The thought filled you with dread, and you absentmindedly rubbed your side. It was still fairly bruised, but your treatments in the med bay had reduced the majority of the swelling.

You had to wonder where Xenok’s hatred stemmed from as you lathered up your hair. If you were so beneath him, you didn’t understand why it would even be worth it to abuse you so. Wouldn’t it be easier to ignore you and just get training over with? You preferred the indifference Ap’lek had toward you compared to the venom Xenok spit out.

It wasn’t like you could tattle on him, either. Ren’s Knights were likely important to him, and you doubted he would care if they were mean to you. Telling him you’d been called names was a childish thing to do. You weren’t a little Jedi apprentice anymore--you were Kylo Ren’s student, and you had to act as such. You just had to take the abuse for now and hope you could prove yourself.

You washed the suds from your hair and did a quick cleaning of your body with the basic soap provided. Everything had just a slight minty scent, which you supposed didn’t bother you. It could have been a strong fragrance you hated. Just as you were washing away the last of the soap, you distantly heard the door to your room open. That must be lunch!

“I’ll be there in a moment!” you called out, flicking off the water and stepping out to dry off.

With your clothes for the day bloodied and sweat-stained, you decided to change into your nightwear. It wasn’t as if you planned to leave your room for the rest of the day, and you didn’t exactly have to dress up for the kitchen staff that came through. After toweling off your hair until it was just damp, you made your way into the front room. Much to your happiness, you saw Ildwen setting up the last of your lunch.

He glanced behind him as you approached before jumping and quickly facing back forward. “I apologize! I wasn’t aware you were showering...”

“It’s fine,” you explained, waving your hand as you sat down, “I just finished.”

He made a nervous noise, briefly glancing over you. His eyes locked onto your arm, where your short sleeve wasn’t quite long enough to cover your laceration. It was sewn shut with microscopic stitching, making it look like a thin black line against your arm. There was a little bit of inflammation, but otherwise it was looking healthy.

“That looks painful…” he murmured.

You glanced at the wound. “A little. It should be gone in a few days, though.”

Ildwen had only seen you once before during your training with Ren, looking horrified at the bruise underneath your chin from when your master had clipped you with his quarterstaff. You weren’t in any better of a state than then, but Ildwen seemed slightly less shocked by the bruising you bore on your visible skin.

“May I ask why you have to train so hard?” he asked as he gingerly adjusted your fork, “I’ve seen Stormtroopers train occasionally, but they don’t seem to get nearly as hurt as you do.”

“It’s probably something to do with the Force. I honestly don’t know.”

“The Force…” he sighs, “As a child, I heard stories of the Jedi and the Sith, but it was hard to believe. The first time I saw it was when Commander Ren… Um… He ch-choked someone with it. I didn’t know you could do that. I know there were stories of people in the Galactic Empire who had control of such things, but I didn’t know it was _that_ powerful. That was before my time…”

He shakes his head, straightening up and pulling his arms close, making himself a tooke once more. “So… I assume that means you have control over the Force too? That’s amazing…”

You shake your head. “Not quite. I… It’s hard to explain. I’m Force-sensitive, yes, but I really lack any control over it. Ren is helping me learn to use what abilities I have.”

“Still! That’s incredible. You’re able to do so many things with your mind alone… I don’t know what I’d do if I had that kind of power.” He gave a short laugh, showing his crooked teeth. “Maybe you’ll even be like the mythical Luke Skywalker! Though some people say he was propaganda and not real… I suppose he’s from the Republic anyways, so maybe you wouldn’t want to be like him…”

Your face fell. Why was it always Skywalker? Any time your old master was brought up, you found yourself feeling nauseous. You had no intention of being like him now, and you just wanted that part of your past to fade away. Why couldn’t he become an enigma in your mind like he seemed to be in everyone else’s? You were sick of being reminded of your failures, and how he couldn’t help you.

“I’d rather be myself,” you finally say, picking up the fork, “Whoever that may be.”

Ildwen gave you an odd look at your cryptic reply, but he didn’t have much time to think on it. “Well, I hope training gets a bit easier for you! I don’t like seeing you so hurt… Though you’re very strong!”

He gave a bow and scurried off, taking this morning’s dishes and the food cart along with him. You’d initially been starving after training, but now you felt a bit sick. You absentmindedly pushed the food around on your plate, staring at the stains it left behind on the white surface.

You were tired.

You sighed, standing up and walking toward your bedroom. The food would keep for a while longer, so you figured you could get a nap in. Perhaps by the time you woke up, you’d be hungry again. If nothing else, perhaps your mind would be a bit clearer.

…

The next morning, you were anxiously pacing your room. You’d finished your breakfast twenty minutes ago, and by now one of the Knights should have come and picked you up for your daily training. While you didn’t know them terribly well (nor did you care to), it seemed unlike them to be so late. You nibbled on your cuticles, tapping your foot as you stared at the door. You were trusted enough to leave your room, so did you dare go to the training room? What if a Knight missed you along the way and came to your room, only to not see you and raise an alarm? Maybe it was better to wait…

You jumped as the door opened, slamming your chewed up hand down to your side to appear more professional. In the doorway stood a robed and helmeted figure, tall and imposing. The metal on his mask glinted in the bright light, and when it would normally fill you with dread, you sighed in relief.

“Ren…”

He stepped into the room, and you noticed something odd about his gait. It was nearly imperceptible, but he seemed to be favoring his left side ever so slightly. You furrowed your brow, glancing over him for any differences. Without being able to actually see his skin, you couldn’t tell if he was injured or not.

“You’re back to training with me. Let’s go.”

You interrupted him before you could leave. “Are you hurt?”

“Don’t concern yourself with such things.”

You thinned your lips out, but you didn’t push the subject any further. You trailed after him, both of your capes flowing in the slight breeze. The limp was still there, so you knew you weren’t crazy. Something must of happened on his mission, but it didn’t seem to be bothering him much. Then again, he had also always been the type to play off his wounds as nothing big. That personality trait likely only got stronger over time.

You were bracing yourself to see the other Knights in the training room, but it was pleasantly empty once you arrived. Once the door closed behind the two of you, he sat down on the mat with a small struggle and crossed his legs, left over right. You took your place in front of him, happy to start meditation again. None of the Knights had blessed you with such a reprieve.

His helmet hissed, and he shook his hair out as it came off. His face was unhurt, but you supposed it was always covered anyways. The bags under his eyes were a little heavier, but he otherwise seemed in good shape. It was strange to feel so relieved, especially considering that you still held some anger toward him. Still, he _had_ been your friend, and you’d cared for him greatly at one point. It seemed natural those feelings would carry over.

“Did training go as expected?”

You shrugged, feeling the slight pain in your cut arm. “It went well enough, I suppose. They were… Much more thorough than you were. But it’s all necessary, right?”

Ren stares down into his lap for a moment, thinking. Then, his eyes slowly raise back up to you. “It was never my intention to leave you with them, but I had no choice.”

Your confused look has him sighing that usual annoyed breath, and he continues, “The Knights are not friends of mine. They were given to me as pawns to use for my own goals. Because of that, we hold little love for each other. Had it been my decision alone, you would of had a few days to recover--but it wasn’t. My own master, the man who trained me, knows you’re here. And he’s curious about your abilities. So he… Requested I have the Knights train you to see what potential you have.”

Oh. That explained why they had been so brutal. So it had been a test? “Then I admit I’m a bit worried what he’ll think of me. Who is your master?”

Ren shakes his head. “I fear telling you his name will only give him more control over you. You’ll learn about him in time, but I feel better keeping you at a distance. It was my intention to have kept you secret from him all together, but I should have known better. He follows my every move.”

“Why? If he’s your master, shouldn’t you tell him everything?”

“You have so many questions, but no answers,” he chides, “Like a child. Like the Knights, I hold no love for my master either. He’s not Sith, but his aspirations may as well be. I want to keep you safe from that. That’s why it’s so important you learn to close off your mind. I can only talk about these things now because I keep up a constant guard. If you’re anywhere near my master without a shield on your mind, he’ll know your every thought. I know there are certain things you’d rather keep secret.”

You frowned, picking at the fabric of your pants. “So he knows about your past?”

“Yes, and some of yours too. Over the years I’ve been able to keep you mostly a secret, but he fears the rise of another Jedi. If you can’t prove to him your mastery of the dark side, he’ll force me to kill you. The only reason he didn’t have me chase you down is because you chose to leave in the first place. That saved you.”

A shiver runs through you. You didn’t feel saved. “… Then the other apprentices…?”

“Don’t think on it. You’ll have your answers in time, but, for now, it’s important to train. I’ll do my best to ensure I’m the only one who trains you from now on.” He stares at you, and you feel the creep of him briefly invading your mind. You let him. “They hurt you.”

“You’re not exactly gentle yourself.”

He reaches out, and you flinch as his fingers brush your covered arm just over your cut. “But I don’t do this.”

You curl away from him, and his arm drops into his lap. You can feel his disappointment, and it makes you a bit sad. Still, you’re not comfortable with him being too near to you. It feels far too much like when he was Ben, and it throws you off. You want to distance yourself from all of that.

“Let’s begin. Try to read my thoughts.”

And so you began again, closing your eyes and envisioning him in your mind. You were strangely glad to have him back, strangely glad to be able to have this quiet moment once more. He wasn’t kind, but you found yourself almost trusting him. He was so genuine, so it was difficult not to. You _missed_ him when he was gone, even if just marginally.

“Consider me flattered,” he dryly drawls.

Dosh! Close the door!

“Shut up, Ren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no safety when it comes to Kylo Ren, and you've finally met the darker side of his work. Will you be able to avoid the Knights' gazes, and consequently Ren's mysterious master's?
> 
> I introduced my own Knight of Ren for reasons much later on! He's a jerk, but I hope you like him. Also, hope you enjoyed the longer chapter! I had a lot to say lol
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Schutta - A Twi'leki insult similar to slut  
> Sleemo - A Huttese insult meaning slimeball  
> GH-47 medical droid - A type of droid used in medical diagnoses and simple treatments  
> War blade - A very primitive blade once used during the Great Sith War close to 4000 years ago. This is just a functioning replica.  
> IT-S00.2 medical droid - A type of droid that uses microstitches to repair wounds. This is what patched up Ren in The Last Jedi!
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	7. Interlude I - A Bond

“What do you think I should make for dinner tonight? Rice, or more rice? I’m thinking rice.”

The stintaril blinked back at you, it’s beady eyes nearly looking in different directions. You rolled your own eyes, shooing it off the branch, and it quickly scurried away and disappeared into a hole in the tree. You kicked your legs from your perch, relaxing into the sturdy purple bark as you stared down at the forest floor below. You could hear the distinct low, humming call of whisper birds deeper into the forest, and you released a content sigh.

You’d finished training about an hour ago, and you’d scurried off into the jungle before Tai could force you into studying texts for the next several hours. The Jedi texts were fascinating the first time you’d poured over them, but now you knew their contents pretty well. You would much rather sneak a nap in than find yourself reading about the formation of the religion again and again.

You heard a crunch of a twig below, and your hair stood on end. You peered down, looking for whatever creature might have made the noise and reaching out with the Force to feel a presence. In a moment, you relaxed as a low vibration of energy warbled through your mind. He must have been looking for you--you did run off without asking him to come along, after all.

You waited, trying to see him through the deep green leaves and various vines. Soon enough, you spotted his head of black, messy hair and his stark-white robes. You gingerly shifted on the branch, sitting up onto your toes and placing a hand out to balance. Its girth supported your weight and prevented it from shaking too much, and you leaned forward as you watched him glance around. No doubt he could sense you too, but he couldn’t quite pinpoint where you were.

As soon as he was below you, you lept down. At the last second he jumped back, and you rolled against the ground. Not to be beaten, you crouched low and kicked out your leg, aiming for a sweep. Still in a moment of surprise, he was unable to dodge, and soon he tumbled down. You jumped over him, trying to pin his arms down at his sides as he glared at you. A giggle rose from your throat as you noticed the leaves sticking from his hair.

“Got you, Ben.”

“Reflexes of a tooka, but the tricks of a womp rat. You’re terrible.”

“If I’m the tooka, then I think _you’re_ the womp rat. I can see it. You’ve got the teeth of one. And looking at your hair now, it’s pretty similar too! Are you _sure_ your dad was a Republican general? I think you should look a little closer at your family tree.”

You grunted as Ben shoved you off of him, and he was quick to sit up and start picking the leaves from his hair. You leaned forward, pulling a surprisingly large stick from one of his cowlicks and tossing it to the side. He still had a sour look on his face, but he seemed slightly more content now that he wasn’t a total mess.

“Did Master Luke send you after me?” you questioned, shifting so you were cross-legged.

He shakes his head, his hair falling into his face. “No. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t getting eaten by some beast.”

“Ooh, that would be a fun way to go,” you joked, grinning, “Do you think I’d make a good meal?”

He smirked back at you. “With the way you smell? Absolutely not.”

“Rude!” You darted forward, aiming once again to push him into the ground.

Unfortunately, he was wise to your game now, and he merely pushed you back. He placed a hand on the side of your head and rubbed your face into the ground, causing you to shriek. He seemed merciful, at least, because he soon let go. There was a smear of dirt on the side of your face, and you rubbed the heel of your palm against your skin to try and clean it off.

Ben crossed his arms, giving a nod. “There, much better. Now no creature will want to eat you.”

You stuck your tongue out and wiped your hand on the grass below. He could be pretty mean sometimes, but it was always in jest. The two of you had been friends for five years now, so you’d learned his mannerisms well enough. His sarcasm often got on the nerves of the other apprentices, but you liked the breath of fresh air. Your friendship also meant he tended to treat you just a tad nicer than the others.

“How did training go?” he questioned.

“Eh, could of gone better,” you shrugged, “I guess Hennix has been putting in some extra hours, because I felt like I didn’t stand a chance this morning. He cracked his bō staff into my back! Now it’s killing me…”

“Maybe if you spent less time napping and more time training, you wouldn’t be such an embarrassment.”

You rolled your eyes and nudged him with your foot. “What were you up to this morning anyways? I was surprised to not see you.”

“Calligraphy,” he explained, sheepishly pulling at the fabric of his pants, “I wanted to copy some passages from the _Aionomica_.”

“I thought you were working through _The Chronicles of Brus-bu_?”

“I was, but after about 500 pages of nothing but force healing, it gets a bit dry. I wanted to work on something new.”

You nodded in understanding. “I guess we’re lucky to be able to even call them dry. It’s crazy to think that so few people have read them. Still, you should show me what you’ve done later. I love your style.”

You couldn’t help but giggle at the light smattering of red that crossed his cheeks at your words. He was proud of his skill in calligraphy, but he also mostly kept it to himself. Ben often wanted to appear as a strong and powerful figure, and he often called calligraphy a scholar’s art. He was a _warrior_ , and such things were beneath him. Regardless, he was very talented, and you liked paging through his scrolls and seeing his work.

“Come on, let’s go to the river. I saw a baby runyip and its mom there a few days ago, and I want to see if they’re still there.”

You hopped up to your feet and held out a hand. Ben took it, and with a grunt you pulled him to his feet. You still weren’t used to him being taller than you, though he’d had his growth spurt last year. He seemed to be getting taller and taller every day, and you were worried you would soon have to lean back to look him in the eye. At least he was still scrawny!

“Let’s race. If you lose I get some of those sweet-sand cookies your mom sent you.”

He didn’t get a chance to protest before you darted off, and you laughed freely as you heard him curse and start to chase after you.

…

Fortunately, you beat Ben with your head start and would be having some delicious cookies later that night. On the other side of that coin, there were no runyips, baby or otherwise. You tossed a rock into the river, but it was swallowed by the gentle current before it could skip. A pair of whisper birds howled out warning calls from a nearby tree, and you spotted a nest in the crook of a branch.

“I thought they’d be here,” you whined, scuffing up some moist dirt from the shore.

“We can always come back some other time. This is a watering hole to much of the jungle’s wildlife. They’ll be here.”

That was true, but you were still disappointed. You’d wanted to show him the creature, considering it had been so terribly cute. It’s unusual, long nose hadn’t quite completely developed yet, and its stripes hadn’t come in. It waddled about on stubby legs, and you would of loved to hold it. Unfortunately, you doubted its mother, antlers and all, would of appreciated that.

You chucked another pebble into the river and gave Ben a sly smile. “Wanna go for a swim?”

“Try it. See what happens.”

You snorted. “You’re no fun!”

You fell in line beside him as the two of you slowly wandered upstream. The forest was already humid on its own, but the spray of the river swirled into the air and made it that much hotter. You sighed, rubbing the sweat off the back of your neck and fanning your face. Despite having lived here for five years, it was difficult to get used to the weather.

A stronger breeze came from beside you, and Ben was likewise fanning you with his own hand. You offered him a soft smile.

“Do you need to head back to the temple?” he softly questioned.

“No, I think I’m alright. I want to stay out here a bit longer.”

The two of you walk in comfortable silence, the air only being broken by the sound of the gently flowing river or the occasional bird call. The ground squishes below your feet, leaving behind a pair of tracks as you wind along. You swing your arms, accidentally brushing Ben’s hands a few times before he tucks them in closer to his body.

“... Do you really think I haven’t trained enough?”

“Are you still thinking about that?” he chides, “It was a joke. Of course you’re training hard.”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, “I still can barely use the Force, and I’m a little scared to. I’m skilled enough in battle, but everything else… I don’t know. I’m not like you, Ben. You’re good at everything.”

“You’re not like me because you’re _you_. You still beat me in fights more than half the time, you know. You just need to find your niche.”

“Shouldn’t I have found it by now? I just feel like I’m falling behind.” You sigh, shaking your head. “I don’t want to be a disappointment to Master Luke. He’s so great--he learned to control the Force in a _swamp_ , remember? His stories are just so… Amazing. I feel like he’s disappointed in me.”

“So what if he is?” Ben kicks the dirt below, sending it spraying in front of you. “You don’t have to prove yourself to him. He’s our master, but he still doesn’t know everything. I know you’ll become strong. I believe in you.”

You gave a half-hearted snort, pushing his shoulder. “That’s so cheesy, ew.”

But he only continued. “I’m serious. I do. You’re much stronger than you know. One day, we’ll both be powerful warriors. I want to stand beside you when that happens.”

You look over to him, and he’s staring intently. Your cheeks feel a little warm at his intense gaze, and you avert your eyes and look down at your feet. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see he does the same.

“... But that’s a long ways off,” he murmurs, “You have to stop tripping over your own feet every sparring match first.”

You give him a push and he stumbles, and then you streak off along the side of the river. You can hear his feet pounding behind you in a moment, and you shriek with laughter as he catches you from behind and swings you around. The movement nearly sends you falling into the river, but he catches you with a strong hand.

You stare at him, with his wild curls and boyish smile that showed his crooked teeth. His mouth moves as he pulls you forward, but you’re not really listening. Your eyes trace his beauty marks as you muse over his words. The future seems so far off, but you think you’d like one at Ben’s side. The two of you will be a powerful pair of Jedi, and maybe you can do some good in the world.

You reach forward, placing a hand on his chest. His smile falters, and a flicker of surprise crosses his face. You lean forward slightly, as does he.

Then you grip his robes and fling him around, tossing him into the river. His screech of protest is cut off by water, and you howl at the garbled noise that escapes him.

“Race you back to the temple, you soggy womp rat!”

He yells at you, but you’re already running. Running from him, and running from the strange feelings in your chest. You’d rather thing about the sweet-sand cookies waiting for you than such things.

…

The rest of the day had been rather uneventful once you returned to the temple, other than Master Luke scolding you for throwing Ben in the river. He hadn’t seem particularly grumpy about it, and you were pretty sure he smiled as the boy stalked off to change his robes. You took part in a few basic cleaning tasks to keep the temple looking spiffy. In the years since Master Luke had taken you here, you and the other apprentices had well cleaned up the remnants of the Empire’s brief occupation of the temple following the Battle of Yavin.

All the Republican tech had either been taken when they evacuated those 20 years ago or removed by the Empire, but a few leftovers from the Empire remained after its dissolution. There had no doubt been a hasty evacuation 15 years prior, as a large majority of tech and whatnot remained. Ben knew a little more about that despite it having been before both of your times, due to his mother being the great Senator Leia Organa who took part in the Galactic Civil War. Your own mother had been a senator as well, but she hadn’t done any fighting before her untimely passing three years ago. She also preferred to keep you out of politics once she realized you had no interest in them.

By night time, you were in charge of making that night’s dinner for everyone. You made a large pot of rice that you obtained from trading with a local colony in exchange for labor, and you added a few vegetables to make it more palatable. There would be no meat tonight, but that was a pretty rare occurrence anyways. Runyip tasted pretty good, but Master Luke said that you should take lives as little as possible--so delicious cuts of beef were often not in your future.

Ben had invited you to eat with him, so you retired to his hut after dishing out dinner. You sat perched at the foot of his bedroll, your bowl of rice in one hand and one of his calligraphy scrolls in the other. He sat on the left side of the mat, eating in silence as he watched you read. You pointed to one of the letters, swallowing before you spoke.

“How do you draw the forn like that? That’s so pretty!” You shook your head, setting down the scroll briefly so you could take another bite.

Ben shrugged, but you could still see his small smile out of the corner of your eye. “I don’t really know. Thank you, though.”

You grunted, reading through the rest of the scroll before rolling it up and reaching for the next one. He was so talented, and you wish he would write his own book in this style. Unfortunately, he’d told you before he only does it for himself, and he really has no intention of anyone but you seeing his work. You supposed that was just fine too--it was like a little secret the two of you had. When you were Masters yourselves, you could tease him in front of his own students by telling them that their Master was once a giant nerd.

You occasionally made more comments, but for the most part the two of you ate in comfortable silence as you read. Once you finished off the last of the scrolls you hadn’t already read, you passed them off to him and quickly scooped the last of your rice into your mouth. Ben snorted and rolled his eyes, taking his time to eat the remaining rice in his bowl.

“You’re going to choke one of these days, and I’m not going to help you.”

“You’re cruel,” you mumble through a mouthful, “I’d save you if you were choking.”

“Would you?”

“Pfft, no.”

You set down your bowl and fall back against his bedroll, letting out a satisfied groan as you stretch your arms over your head. He stares down at you with a raised eyebrow, and you merely stick your tongue out.

“I don’t remember saying you could take my bed,” he states plainly, nudging you with his elbow.

“They’re all the same anyways! You can have my room for tonight. How about it? Let’s switch.”

“I’d rather die,” he replies in a monotone voice, “Your bed definitely has some kind of parasite.”

“Only this one!” you proudly exclaim, pointing to yourself.

He gives a bark of a laugh at that, his shoulders shaking. You grin back up at him and roll onto your side, tucking up your legs. He adjusts himself as well, leaning his back into your side.

“Ugh, you’re heavy. What have you been eating? I remember when I could pick you up and toss you.”

“Maybe when we were ten. I’m bigger than you now, you know. I bet I could throw you.”

“Don’t you dare.”

He sets down his bowl with a clack on the hard ground, and he glances over his shoulder at you with a smug look. You tense up, giving him a warning glare.

“Let’s test it,” he suggests, “Or are you scared?”

“I’ll _so_ kick your butt, nerfherder.”

He leaps at you, and you screech as he tries to get his arms under you to pick you up. You try to wriggle free, but Ben has gotten so much stronger. What felt like a mere couple years ago, he was a scrawny thing who could barely hold his own. Now, despite still being young, he had put on muscle, and he could often do strength-building exercises with ease. You felt his arms flex as he started to lift you off the ground, and you tried to twist away.

The momentum of your struggle sent him falling over, and he let out a small ‘ouch’ as his head hit the ground. You fell on top of him, forcing a wheeze from his chest. You were quick to scramble up on your hands and knees, and you instinctively reached out to rub of the back of his head.

“Ouch, are you okay? That sounded bad.”

Ben just smiles softly at you.

You frown. “Yeah, you’re definitely busted. If you hadn’t tried to pick me up, you wouldn’t of--”

You notice his arms are still around your middle in that moment as he adjusts his grip on you, and your speech falters. He stares up at you from the ground, his black hair a halo around him. His smile is gentle, and his eyes seem to be roving over your face.

You swallow and avert your eyes from him. You notice his bowl of rice knocked over and stray grains scattered about.

“Ah, dosh, Ben! You knocked over your dinner.”

You take the excuse to wriggle free from his grasp and roll off of him, and he lets you. You take the moment to start picking up the rice and he rolls over and props up his head with his hand so he can watch you. You can’t bring yourself to look at him, but you try to put a glare on your face.

“Are you going to help, or are you going to make me pick up your mess?”

“You make a pretty good maid. I think I’ll stay here.”

You whack him across the temple with the now-empty bowl, and he falls onto his back as he curses. Thankfully, he didn’t have much left, and you’re able to clean up the rice and deposit it back into the bowl. Your chest is clenching, and you don’t much like the feeling. You need to get out of here.

You gather up the bowls and stand up, glancing down at him. He’s rubbing his head, but he still has that goofy look on his face. You wish he’d stop looking at you like that.

“If your head still hurts in the morning, let me know. I might have something for it.” You shift awkwardly on your feet. “I’ll take these back. Thanks for eating with me.”

Ben opens his mouth for a moment, then closes it. After several long seconds of silence, the corner of his mouth quirks up and he nods. “Yeah.”

_Yeah._ That’s it? Stars, he was an idiot. You roll your eyes and exit the hut, making your way toward the fire pit where you cooked the rice so you could leave the dishes for someone to clean come morning. As you left his hut, your heart slowed down and that strange feeling in your chest lessened. You automatically felt better, and you let out a sigh. You didn’t want to think on that at all.

You weren’t stupid. You… You knew _why_ your chest felt tight and why your face was warm. And that’s why you were trying to put a stop to it. Jedi were supposed to avoid bonds like that, and you wanted to be the best you could be. You could already barely control the Force, and you didn’t want to give Master Luke another reason to not let you graduate. Further, you didn’t want to hold Ben back. He deserved so much more. You wanted to see him succeed.

So you quelled your beating heart and shuffled back to your own hut. Eventually, Ben too would realize this was no good for either of you, and once he put his emotions aside, so could you. For now, you just needed to stop those situations before they started. For the both of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben and you had once been so close, lazing the day away in the jungles of Yavin 4. But time passes and people grow. You miss those days.
> 
> An interlude, you say? Where's my damn chapter I paid for, you say? Okay, maybe you're not saying that, but I want to put interludes in the story to explore Ben and Reader's backgrounds as apprentices, as well as occasionally showing Kylo's side of the story! They will be a bit shorter, sometimes, than regular chapters, but they won't happen often.
> 
> Notable terms (there's a LOT):  
> Stintaril - A rodent native to the jungles of Yavin 4  
> Whisper birds - An avian native to Yavin 4. They're named for their silent flying.  
> Tooka - A feline commonly kept as a pet  
> Womp rat - A rodent native to Tatooine. They're considered pests.  
> Hennix - A Quarren apprentice that trained alongside Ben  
> Aionomica - One of the sacred Jedi texts. It discusses explorations with the Force and its earliest uses.  
> The Chronicles of Brus-bu - One of the sacred Jedi texts. It deals with Force healing, both for lifeforms and kyber crystals.  
> Runyip - An herbivore native to Yavin 4. It has a long proboscis-like nose and antlers.  
> Sweet-sand cookie - A tasty cookie popular with children  
> Forn - The standard equivalent to 'f' in the Latin alphabet  
> Nerfherder - You probably know this one! It's just a common insult
> 
> Also a note about Ben doing calligraphy: he apparently had a calligraphy set on his bedside in The Last Jedi, according to the visual dictionary! I thought it would be a nice touch to include.
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	8. Chapter 6 - Armistice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: menstrual cycles; blood mention; suicide mention (I swear I'm not trying to be depressing in these chapters)

Despite the pain it put you through, training proved to be useful over the next couple of weeks. The changes were slight, and you knew you wouldn’t see true results for a while longer; however, you could feel your muscles becoming slightly more toned, and your robes were a little looser too. You didn’t feel nearly as sore at the end of training as you did before, and you could keep up sparring for a bit longer. Ren noticed too, and while he never necessarily praised you, you could feel his pride each time you managed to land a hit on him.

Unfortunately, that also meant he pushed you harder. Training got a bit longer, and sometimes he would really lay into you. Still, he was never as brutal as the Knights had been. You still occasionally saw the darkly cloaked figures wandering about the ship like hungry wraiths, but you were never subjected to their training again. Ren was very particular that only he trained you, and he thankfully hadn’t been called out on another mission by his mysterious master in two weeks.

Further, he seemed to have healed from whatever injury he sustained during his last mission. His limp had lasted for a few days, but it wasn’t long before he was back to his full strength. It seemed your connection to the Force had grown stronger with your meditation, for you could sense when his own pain was gone. Even more, you were getting better at sensing his emotions, and you had even been able to guess some of his thoughts on occasion.

You hadn’t been nearly as far from the Force as you thought. It was both unsettling and strangely comforting.

Perhaps the same thought applied to Ren himself as well. As time passed, you were no longer really angry at him. His new appearance still made you uncomfortable, and it was hard to meet the gaze of his helmet. Whenever you looked at him, you found a dark thrumming ringing out in your mind, and it made your hair stand on end; but when he removed his helmet during meditation and watched you so carefully, you saw Ben again. He made you feel safe, in a sense.

Wasn’t that such an odd thing to say? He wasn’t Ben anymore--he’d told you as much--but sometimes it felt like you were apprentices again. He was quieter and didn’t smile anymore, but you still saw the same mannerisms he had as when you’d left him as a seventeen-year old. You could sit in front of him during meditation and feel your worries slip away. You could feel his Force presence wash over you, and you almost felt happy. You still didn’t fully trust him, but you weren’t scared of him.

Ren sensed it too. He still kept up the guard he’d developed over the years, but around you he seemed to soften up slightly. The figurative mask he tried to keep on his face fell, and it wasn’t hard to guess what he was feeling even without the use of the Force. His eyes had always been a gateway to his heart, and you doubted he could ever completely mask his feelings.

Such things also meant you saw things in his eyes you weren’t ready to confront. You’d pushed those away years ago, and you weren’t comfortable bringing them to the surface.

Regardless of such things, when you woke up on yet another cycle, you sat up with a groan and prepared yourself for another day of training. You swung your legs over the side of your bed and felt a twinge in your abdomen that made you pause. A wet feeling between your legs was noticeable immediately after, and you let out an annoyed sigh.

Really? This was how you were going to start your day?

Well that was a pair of undergarments gone. You forced yourself to a stand and snatched a new pair of underwear from your dresser, along with a change of clothes for the day. Your insides protested even the slightest movement, and you grumbled as you shuffled along to the bathroom. There was no time for a shower, so you would simply have to quickly clean up and change.

Unfortunately, as you perused the mirror cabinet, there were zero, absolutely none, _zilch_ sanitary products. You checked several times as your panic rose, but there was nothing present to help you tend to this extremely serious and dire matter. This was terrible. You would rather die.

Before you had a mental breakdown early in the cycle, you at least managed to remember that Dr. Shemp existed. As both a doctor and a woman, perhaps she would be able to assist you. So, with no small amount of disgust, you changed into your daily clothes, almost thankful you’d chosen the dress-like robes instead of the pants. It felt a little more free, and it was easier to not think about the bloody problem that only grew.

Ren had stated previously you were free to come and go within reason, so you were quick to exit your room and hurry down the hall. It was still early enough in the cycle that you only encountered one troop of Stormtroopers along the way, and they merely nodded their helmets as you passed on by. The medbay wasn’t terribly far from the officer’s quarters, and you were quick to step into the open doorway. An unhelmeted ‘Trooper slept on one of the beds, monitors hooked up to them, and you saw Dr. Shemp at a desk, reading over a datapad.

“Dr. Shemp?” you called.

She glanced up to you with tired eyes, and surprise crossed her face. She quickly closed whatever she was looking at and stood, making her way over to you.

“You’re here much earlier than expected. Is something wrong?”

You grimaced, shifting awkwardly. “Uh, yeah. I started my period, but there’s no sanitary products in my room. I hate to bother you for it, but do you have any?”

The surprise left the older woman’s face, and her expression instead shifted into one of amusement. “Ah, Ren must of overlooked this. I didn’t expect him to think of it, anyways.”

You raised an eyebrow at her, and she shook her head. “All women in the First Order are put on a mandatory birth control on recruitment. It’s done to prevent any… Unnecessary surprises.” Her eye roll tells you what you need to know of her opinion.

Still, that doesn’t help you. “So no one here gets periods? And there’s _nothing_ for me to use?”

“For most women, their period does stop, but all bodies are different, so it’s not one-hundred percent effective. Those in charge of the First Order budget don’t see it necessary to provide a product that might not even be used, but I don’t like to leave the ladies hanging dry. I have gauze you can secure with medical adhesive. It’s not fool-proof, but it does work.”

How primitive. Still, you’d prefer anything over that. “I’ll take it,” you sigh, “Are there any heating pads? My cramps are fine now, but I think I won’t be feeling so good after training.”

Dr. Shemp nods and starts to walk over to a tall storage cabinet. “I can provide one, but are you certain you want to train? The exercise might exacerbate some issues.”

“I doubt Ren is going to understand me taking a girl’s day off. He still made me train even after Vicrul sliced me up.”

She snorts at that. “I suppose. Well, try to take it easy, at least.” As she starts pulling out gauze, she glances over her shoulder. “Would you like me to put you on birth control? It might stop your period, or if they’re irregular, it will at least regulate them. I can discuss the side effects with you if you’re interested.”

You open your mouth to respond, but a voice rings out in your head. _”Where are you.”_

There’s a slight panic in his voice, and you suppose you could of warned Ren you weren’t going to be in your room. You close your eyes, focusing in on your response. Ren could communicate through the Force without a second thought, but it took you a bit longer.

_”Shemp. Medbay.”_

As you opened your eyes once more, you realized Dr. Shemp was giving you a curious look. You had just stopped mid-conversation, so you shook your head and gave an awkward smile.

“Sorry, Ren was wondering where I was. He normally picks me up for training from my room.”

She made a sound of understanding before turning around to continue pulling out supplies. “Ah. This Force business is beyond me, so I apologize. Regardless, what do you think of my offer?”

You purse your lips, giving a shrug. “I don’t know. I mean… It would be nice to not have to do this every month, but… I don’t exactly, uh, have a partner. So I wouldn’t really need it, right?”

“Birth control has many purposes. Preventing pregnancy is obviously the greatest boon, but period regulation is good too. And should you start having sex in the future, you’ll already have your preventative measure. I can provide condoms as well.”

You felt your face heat up at her bluntness, but you supposed she was a doctor. This was pretty standard. “Uh, you probably won’t have to worry about that. I’ll consider it. Are there any particularly bad side effects?”

“You may experience intermittent spotting for the first few months, but generally it regulates fairly quickly. It could make you gain some weight, but with your routine training, that shouldn’t be a worry. Nausea can also occur, and sometimes it may cause some mood changes. Most of these side effects often fade, if they occur at all, once your body gets used to it. The side effects can be treated if needed.”

“Well…” you sigh, “I guess that isn’t so bad. I’ll think on it. I’m not super thrilled about this gauze thing I have to do, after all.”

She laughs, gathering up the last of the gauze and tape. She’s provided you with quite a lot, and she searches for something you can transport it in. As Dr. Shemp wanders about the medbay, you notice Gee floating over to you out of the corner of your eye, and you offer a smile to the droid.

“Hello, Gee! Keeping busy?”

The droid pauses next to you, its arms intermittently moving. “There have been few patients to care for. I am not busy.”

“That’s not so bad then, right? A break is always nice.”

“My protocol is to diagnose and assist in care. Further, I am made of mechanical parts and not organic matter. I do not require a break.”

You gave him a flat look. “You’re also not programmed for exciting conversation, it seems.”

“This assumption is correct. My main functions, as programmed by my manufacturer, are--”

Thankfully, you would avoid being subjected to Gee’s ensuing explanation as a dark figure entered the medbay. The wave of sheer panic that hits you nearly throws you offer your feet, and you swing your head toward Ren as he quickly strides up to you. The panic switches to a mix of confusion and concern, and you’re forced to tilt your head back to look up into his mask as he steps far too close to you.

“Why are you here?”

Your mouth opens and closes like a fish as you try to think of the best way to word the situation. You see his hand reaching up and start to feel the tendrils in your mind, and before you even think about it, you grab his wrist. The both of you pause, and you stare at the way your fingers barely touch. In the next moment, you quickly let go.

“I’m sorry--”

“Tell me.”

Dr. Shemp is quick to interrupt the awkward moment as she approaches the both of you. “It seems you’ve forgotten the biology of women, Commander Ren. I expected you would have sent your student to have the mandatory birth control implant if she was going to be living here. We simply had a surprise this morning.”

The confusion washing off of him only grows greater before he suddenly straightens. Ah, there it was. Understanding.

“... I see.”

You squint at him, trying to discern his feelings. Is he… By the stars, is he _embarrassed_?

Well, it wasn’t like he would have been completely unaware of such things. When the two of you were apprentices, you got your first period under the tutelage of Skywalker. Thankfully, a few of the other students were going through the same thing, and all of you had been able to make do. At that time, Ben would have dealt with your mood swings and irritability, and he often made fun of you for it. It simply seemed he’d grown accustomed to the lack of women suffering from the usual monthly side effects.

Dr. Shemp has produced a cast-plast surgical tray, filled with gauze, medical adhesive, and a decently-sized heating pad. “It may be a bit awkward, but this was the best thing I could find. I’d appreciate if you could return the tray later.”

You took it from her, tucking your chin down to avoid her gaze. You felt a bit sheepish, and Ren’s heavy gaze on you didn’t help. You weren’t necessarily embarrassed about your own bodily functions, considering you’d dealt with them for some time now, but the situation was simply uncomfortable. Not to mention you were actively bleeding in that moment and really just wanted to get some coverage.

“Thanks,” you murmur, “I’ll bring it back after training.”

With that, you shuffled from the room, and after a moment, you could hear Ren’s own boots clicking on the floor behind you. Neither of you spoke as you wound your way through the halls and back toward your room. He didn’t stop you and directly take you to the training room, which you were thankful for. Still, he didn’t exactly need to accompany you back to your room. You would be in and out within a minute.

You swiped your way in, thinning your lips as you heard him enter behind you. You could feel him staring at you as he paused just inside the doorway.

You glanced over your shoulder at him. “… I’ll be back in a moment.”

There was no response from him, so you quickly turned back around and scurried off to the bathroom. The application of the gauze and adhesive was a bit awkward, but it seemed as if it would stay in place. Still, you weren’t keen on doing this your entire stay here, however long that may be. You couldn’t exactly go off-base and go shopping, so perhaps it would be wise to take Dr. Shemp up on her offer of birth control. If nothing else, you might not have to deal with this awkward situation ever again.

A quick wash of your hands, a pop of a pain pill, and you exited the bathroom. Ren was right where you left him, awkwardly standing by the door with his hands fidgeting at his sides. You smoothed down your robes as you approached him, hoping to brush away the tension in the room along with the wrinkles.

“I should of told you I wouldn’t be here,” you said, bowing your head slightly.

There’s a moment of silence before he speaks up, “Do so in the future.”

Silence falls once more, neither of you moving. You clear your throat, and in that same moment, your stomach growls. Ah, that’s right. You hadn’t had time to order breakfast in your panic. You hadn’t eaten in several hours now, and the gnaw of hunger began to make itself known.

“You can’t train on an empty stomach,” Ren suddenly says, “Order something to eat.”

That made you give him a confused look, but you weren’t about to complain. If he was going to postpone training so you could get a bit of grub, you were more than happy to comply. You picked up the datapad that you left on the table along with yesterday’s dishes and placed a quick order. Just before sending it, you glanced up at Ren.

“... Are you hungry?”

“I already ate.”

Oh, right. Of course. You sent the order out and set your datapad back down before taking a seat. He followed suit, sitting across from you and placing his hands on his knees. This wasn’t nearly as terrible as the first time he joined you for breakfast, but there was still tension present. Unfortunately, there was little you could do about that.

Ren decided to begin the conversation. “Can you still train?”

You narrowed your eyes at his mask, trying to decide whether or not to answer honestly. It likely didn’t matter.

“... I should be fine. It’s not so bad.”

“Will you be in pain?”

“I’m surprised you care,” you say before you can bite your tongue. You wince.

There’s an annoyed, static-filled grunt. “If you can’t focus on your training completely, then there’s no use having it. You won’t learn anything.”

“I just thought you wanted to train me no matter what. I’ve been sore every day for…” You tried to think. “However long I’ve been here, but that hasn’t mattered. Why is this so different?”

“I’m giving you an out. I won’t always be this kind.”

Is that what he called it? Still, perhaps you shouldn’t be so hostile. This was a peace offering of sorts, and it would be wise to take it. You still imagined he’d make you train twice as hard once you got back into it, though.

“... Fine.” And then, after several moments, “Thank you.”

Silence washes over the two of you again for a few moments, and you can tell he’s thinking. It’s odd to see him, an imposing man, thoughtfully considering his next words. His emotions are strong, and you’re surprised he isn’t closing himself off from you. Is this his way of showing his trust? You think it just makes him seem vulnerable.

“I was… Worried.” The words seem difficult for him to say.

“I go to the medbay a lot.”

“Not this early,” he shakes his head, “I thought you had done something.”

Did he really think you so clumsy? You open your mouth and furrow your brows to tell him you’re not just a kid, but then you realize his tone wasn’t mocking. It was… Concerned. Almost scared. You understood what he meant.

You drop your gaze down to the table. “… I’m not… I recognize I’m not some prisoner. I’m not going to take an out like that. I told you I want to control my abilities.”

“When you tried to escape, I thought your intention might have been to be shot down by the Stormtroopers.”

You grip your robes tightly. “I wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“You told me I took you away from your life on the first day you were here. That’s a foreboding thing to say.”

You close your eyes for a moment, and you try to imagine his face. He’s sad. He cares for you, however twisted his view may be.

You give him a small smile as you open your eyes and look back up at him. “You were right that day. There wasn’t anything there for me. I had been telling myself for years that was what I wanted just so I could stay alive. I… I can’t remember the last time I went out with friends. I barely left my flat. I’m not saying this place is any better, but… You’re at least giving me a chance to do something. And I guess that isn’t so bad.”

Ren is seemingly stunned into silence, for he just stares at you. You rub your neck, looking away.

“Don’t let it get to your head, I just--”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Your heart clenches as your old friend Ben speaks those words, and you tighten your fist into the fabric of your robes. Sometimes you can forget who he used to be, then he brings you back. It hurts.

The door to your room hisses open, and both of your heads turn toward the doorway. The smile that branded Ildwen’s face as he entered quickly drops upon seeing Ren, and his whole body stiffens. His knuckles go white as he grips the floating cart, and he falters in his steps.

“C-Commander Ren.” He nods to you next. “Ma’am.”

He shuffles over to the table side, and Ren’s mask follows him. The young man is quick to clear away the dishes from last night’s meal, and he keeps his head tucked down, avoiding both of your gazes. You try to give him an easy smile, but you’re not sure he sees it.

“Good morning, Ildwen,” you greet in an attempt to get his attention, “Are you busy today?”

“No, ma’am. Never.”

You frown. It seems your dear Commander’s presence had set off the poor tooke-faced man, and now he was back to how he was when you first met him. You didn’t often get to talk to him, so you were a bit upset he was holding back. Still, forcing Ildwen into a conversation simply didn’t work.

He laid out your meal quickly, placing your cutlery with exact precision. The second he tilted the fork into position, he gave a quick bow to the both of you and hurriedly pushed his cart out. He was out of the room in a matter of a couple minutes, and you offered a furrowed look toward the door.

“You know him,” Ren plainly states.

“Well, we often get to talking whenever he delivers my food. He’s just really shy.”

“Do you care for him?”

You offer him a curious look. “… I’ve only known him for a short while, but he’s nice. I consider him a friend.”

Ren doesn’t speak after that, and you simply give a roll of your eyes. You start to settle into your basic breakfast, your hunger not allowing you to take a moment longer. As the food filled your stomach, the mild cramps you’d been experiencing this whole excruciating conversation began to fade, and you released a pleased sigh.

You hear another hiss, this time across from you, and you glance up in time to see Ren shaking his hair out as he removes his helmet. He sets it on an empty corner of the table before taking a moment to adjust his wild locks. You smile. He must have been waiting for the food to get delivered so he wouldn’t be seen unmasked by someone other than you.

“Why the helmet? I have a few guesses, but you don’t just need it for protection. No one can reach your head anyways.”

He stares at you with a knitted brow, his hand briefly pausing as he smooths down a cowlick.

“I’m just saying,” you continue, “Is it for intimidation? It’s not exactly comforting.”

You also knew it was likely to conceal his emotions, as he was easy to read, but you weren’t going to say that out loud.

“It’s a symbol of power. It keeps me focused on my goals and also brands me as a Knight of Ren.”

That was… A cryptic answer. “… Do you have to wear it?”

He leans forward in his seat, staring you down. “Does it scare you?”

The way he asks that question makes you shudder, and you poke at your food to distract yourself. “… Yes,” you admit.

He tilts his head slightly, and some of his hair falls in his face. His eyes search your features, and he hums softly.

“Don’t be. I won’t hurt you.”

You give an incredulous look at that. “What’s with all of our training then?”

He leans back in his seat and crosses his arms. “Pain is necessary to grow stronger in the dark side of the Force. That’s unavoidable. But I’d never try to intentionally hurt you out of malice. I didn’t spend years searching for you just to do that.”

The conversation lulls at that point, and you’re thankful. Ren closes his eyes, but his muscles are still tight, ready to jump up should he need to. He’s completely aware, and you don’t doubt he’d react in a second if you moved. So you eat the rest of your breakfast in silence, simply watching him as he rests.

His face is surprisingly soft when he’s like this, you think. There’s still a slight knit in his brow, likely from the thoughts that constantly occupy his mind, but otherwise he seems relaxed. It’s also a bit comical how he dwarfs the chair he sits in. He’d perhaps only grown an inch or so since you had last seen him, but it was enough to make him just too tall. That combined with his broad shoulders, and the poor chair looked like it could barely support him.

“Are you complimenting me or insulting me?”

You still weren’t used to the fact you projected. “I’m just trying to understand how the little womp rat I knew turned into…” You gesture with your fork to his form. “… This.”

He cracks an eye open. “I heard it’s rude to stare at a woman’s figure. Does that not apply to men too?”

_You weren’t--!_ You splutter, glaring at him. “I’m not _staring_. I’m just… You…!”

Okay, you were staring, but it was because you were trying to figure out what in the universe had happened. The scrawny apprentice you knew surely hadn’t turned into this. He had to be stuffing his armor or _something_. He probably put raised insoles into his boots too.

“You’re so loud. Would you like me to prove my training to you?”

You stare open-mouthed at him, and then you see the barest hint of a smirk on the edge of his lip. You realize Ren is _joking_. You scoff and shake your head, quickly standing up. This man…

“I’ve lost my appetite. If we’re not training today, I’m going to go take a nap.”

“You just woke up.”

“And I need my beauty sleep.”

“Hm… I doubt it will help.”

You splutter in indignation as he rises to his feet and picks up his helmet. The last thing you expected from him was banter, but he was as quick as ever. You glared at him as he secured his mask back on, and he soon gave you a nod.

“I’ll be back tomorrow. Rest so we can continue our training.”

And with nothing else, he left. You groaned, stalking off toward your bedroom. Blast Ren and his stupid quips and his annoying concern and his irritatingly built form.

By the stars, you were losing your mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your emotions are getting the better of you, and Ren isn't helping. In fact, it seems his goal is to just drive you up the wall. You really need to get a handle on yourself!
> 
> Man, I have been STRUGGLING to write lately. I know what I want to write, but getting the motivation to write is hard. I still have to finish up next week's chapter, but it should be a longer one!
> 
> Also this chapter was literally just an excuse to get birth control involved for... Later reasons. Definitely for period regulation. Totally.
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Cast-plast - A type of basic plastic-like material
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	9. Chapter 7 - A Mission

Training was the norm now, and after a month of it, you weren’t struggling quite so hard. You only knew how long you’d been here due to Ren making you privy to it after he noticed you couldn’t recall. Now, you did your best to keep track of the time through the cycles, for nothing else but your own sanity. It was hard to believe that it had been a month since you had been whisked away from Vardos, but you found yourself missing your little flat less and less.

Regardless, starting a cycle with training was normal. So when Ren caught you sipping on the last of your shuura juice from breakfast and said to get ready to leave, you were surprised. Well, that was an understatement.

The glass clinked as you set it down on the table. “Leave? Where are we going?”

“We have a mission,” he stated with palatable impatience, “We’re taking my shuttle. We need to go to the armory first.”

Mission? You weren’t ready for a mission! Plus, you thought Ren wasn’t going to force you to hurt anyone. You couldn’t kill! He promised!

He could sense your anxiety and quickly cut off your thoughts. “We’re accompanying General Hux to a meeting with one of our major funders on Arkanis. They’re considering pulling their funding, and we’ll be there to remind them of why they ought to be wiser.”

“Arkanis? Aren’t they part of the New Republic? I thought you weren’t on good terms.”

“We can walk _and_ talk,” he growls, nodding his head toward the door, “Now, let’s go.”

You didn’t know if you needed to pack anything, but you supposed he hadn’t told you to. Maybe it would be a day trip? With a sigh, you stood up and scurried on out the door. He strode on ahead of you, and you had to take huge steps to keep up.

“Arkanis is mainly a Centrist planet, and their ideals align with our own. We’re not in an all out war with the New Republic either--neither of us currently have the resources for that. On Arkanis, we just need to tread lightly.”

Being the muscle in a meeting didn’t sound like treading lightly to you. “Why does this person want to pull funding? I mean, they had to know that wouldn’t go too well.”

Ren just huffs. “Those sort of politics are beyond me. Hux could of easily just brought Stormtroopers and it would of had the same effect, but he seems to think my presence will be more… Convincing.”

He didn’t sound pleased. You supposed you wouldn’t be either, if you had to play Corellian hound when you were a _Commander_. “And then why me? I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m not exactly scary.”

“My master is getting impatient. He wants to know how you behave on a mission. I didn’t have much choice.”

Another test then, it seemed. Well, likely all you would have to do is stand there and look intimidating. You were a bit nervous that you had to get armed at all, but it was likely just a precaution. You dearly hoped you wouldn’t have to use any of the weapons.

The walk to the armory took a bit longer than expected, but you had also never been this way before. Ren keyed the two of you in, and a large room with walls lined with weapons was revealed. Standard-issue F-11D blaster rifles took up the majority of the room, but there was a variety of smaller and larger blasters as well. Electroprods, launchers, batons, and shields decorated the walls as well. All in all, it was an intimidating display.

Ren walked in, and the eerie red light of the low-power lights was quickly replaced by bright white light. He perused the walls for a moment, eventually selecting a small SE-44C blaster pistol. You’d seen many officers in the Order carrying the same weapon, as it was considerably less cumbersome than the traditional ‘Trooper blaster.

He also pulls down a Z6 baton and its accompanying strap so you could keep it attached to your person. Its conductor vanes were currently folded down, and you curiously looked at the weapon as he handed it to you.

“Try it. Like this.” He mimics quickly flinging out his arm with a swift motion.

You follow his actions and gasp as the vanes unfold and lock into place. Electricity hums through them, and you have no doubt getting hit with the searing arcs would do more than just hurt. The weapon was a bit heavy and unruly, but you could use this. Not that you wanted to.

You searched it for a moment before finding a button to fold the vanes back up. The humming ceased, and you gave a long sigh. What a nasty piece of work.

“Those should keep you safe,” he murmurs as he helps you get the strap on, “Follow my lead while we’re there. You shouldn’t have to use these, but if you do, you can’t hesitate.”

You thin your lips, deciding to keep your thoughts to yourself for the moment. He secures the clasps of the strap around your waist, giving it a small tug to make sure it was secure. The holster for the pistol was easy enough to attach to the waist strap, and he gave you a quick once over.

With both the baton and pistol secured to you, Ren gave a nod and led you from the armory. You could feel the baton clanking against your leg as you walked along, its weight a reminder that you had the ability to seriously hurt some people. Your eyes traveled to the lightsaber strapped to Ren’s waist, its black surface faintly glinting. You couldn’t help but stare at its unusual cross guard design.

You hoped you wouldn’t have to see that in action today.

The two of you wound your way through the hallways. Now that you thought about it, this was the farthest you had been from your room since getting here. It was also the first time you’d be allowed off-base, and you were a little more than excited. Perhaps you could finally see which planet you were on or near to and get some idea as to where you were. It was difficult not knowing exactly where you were in the great big galaxy.

There was a rush of cold air as you stepped into one of the gargantuan bays, and you felt goosebumps rise along your skin. A fleet of TIE fighters lined one of the walls, waiting for their next mission. A trio of Troop Transports sat just off-center in the base, and you spotted a large formation of ‘Troopers in front of them with an officer bearing an orange pauldron dictating them. A large, foreboding _Upsilon_ -class command shuttle was present a little ways from the transports, and in front of it stood a pale man clad in black and a pair of Stormtrooper officers.

At the very end of the bay was a large opening with a thin, protective, holographic barrier covering it to protect from the elements. And elements indeed! Outside that opening was a massive snowy landscape with rolling white hills as far as you could see. The occasional radar tower or red light poked out of the powder, but there wasn’t a hint of vegetation in sight. That explained the cold.

Ren led the two of you across the reflective floors of the bay and toward the command shuttle, and you craned your neck up to look at the vertical wings as you approached. The two ‘Troopers saluted you as you approached, but the black-clad man merely offered a thin smile. His blue eyes sized you up for a moment before looking toward the Commander.

“Believe it or not, _Ren_ , tardiness will not be tolerated, even if it’s you. We were supposed to leave three minutes ago.” He looked back to you. “And this is the girl? Hmph.”

He lets out a sigh, pulling out one hand from behind his back and extending it to you. “General Armitage Hux.”

You likewise introduced yourself, bowed your head, and awkwardly shook his hand. This was how it was supposed to be done, right?

Hux gives a wry snort. “Charming. Well, we’ve wasted enough time. Let’s get going.”

As you board, you hear Ren’s voice crackle through. “So eager to go home?”

“Eager to get this frivolous business over with, more like it. Our friend Poth Eengway should have kept his head down.”

The five of you make your way into the cockpit, and Ren takes a seat at the pilot’s controls. One of the Stormtroopers takes their place at the copilot’s chair, and they start pressing buttons and flicking switches to prepare the ship. Ren likewise does his part, single-mindedly going through the motions. Without looking at you, he motions for you to sit in a chair just behind the pilot’s seat. Hux and the other Stormtrooper take their own spots.

You curiously watch the Commander as he settles naturally into the controls. You supposed it wasn’t much of a surprise, as even as an apprentice he had often bragged about his piloting abilities. He didn’t often get a chance to use them back then, but he told you often enough that he was just like his father when it came to piloting a starship. You were curious to see exactly how he flew.

You hear the sound of the loading ramp pulling up, and soon the ship’s thrusters are humming to life. You grip the armrests of the seat as it begins to move, and soon you’re soaring out of the bay and kicking up powder as you skim just above the ground. The ship takes a sharp turn, and soon you’re heading for the atmosphere. Your stomach knots slightly at the quick movements, unused to such flying.

It isn’t long before the expanse of space is laid out before you, and the planet below is little more than a white ball. Curiously, that white ball has what you think is a gouge in it, until you squint and realize it’s all _mechanical_. Whatever it is, it doesn’t look completed. The gouge has a ring in the center that’s missing about half a portion. Still, that’s a large piece of machinery, considering the size of the planet, and you can only wonder what it’s for. You’ve never seen any mining equipment quite like that.

You lean over Ren’s shoulder, pointing. “What is that? And what planet were we on?”

“It’s a weapon,” he plainly states, “And that’s Ilum.”

Huh? “Ilum? Like the…? And what do you mean--”

“Prepare to enter hyperspace.” He nods to the Stormtrooper beside him, cutting you off.

You sigh and fall back into your chair, crossing your arms. Was that really Ilum? You’d heard tales of how the old Jedi Order would send apprentices to the snowy planet to collect kyber crystals for their lightsabers, but after the fall of the Jedi nearly half a century ago, such things had fallen on the wayside. Skywalker had never spoken of your fellow apprentices going to Ilum in the future, even though back then the Galactic Empire had been dissolved. Perhaps it had still been in the hands of Imperials even then, and eventually fell under the First Order.

There’s the gut-wrenching feeling of entering hyperspace, and soon the stars begin to stretch out as you speed through the galaxy. Ren flicks a few more buttons before relaxing into his chair, staring ahead with one hand on the controls. He seems at home here.

“So,” you glance over at Hux as he addresses you, “Consider me surprised that Ren picked up a student. Truthfully, it’s the last thing I expected. I suppose I should ask what makes you so special?”

You thin your lips. “Nothing in particular, sir. I’m just--”

“Her connection to the Force is equal to mine. She’ll be a useful asset.”

You briefly glance at Ren before looking back to Hux, who appears to have an amused smile. He watches the darkly robed man for several long moments before giving a small chuckle to himself.

“ _Useful asset_ indeed, hm… Well, no matter. I assume your training is going according to plan, then?”

“I like to think so.” You give a slightly awkward shrug. “I… I’m getting better every day. Sir.”

“That’s good to hear. Once you are farther along in your training, I can think of a few missions you’ll be useful for other than this one. I’m still surprised you volunteered yourself, Ren.”

You furrow your brow, opening your mouth to correct Hux, but Ren beats you before you get the chance. “I wasn’t aware this was an interrogation. And she doesn’t answer to you. She’s under my jurisdiction.”

Silence falls over the three of you, and you stare at the back of the Commander’s helmet. You thought he’d been forced into this mission against his will--but now that you thought about it, that seemed a bit silly. While he was technically below Hux in rank, his control of the Force likely granted him equal standing. You imagined Hux wouldn’t be keen on pulling rank on a man who could easily rid him from this world. There was no way Ren would agree to playing Corellian hound for someone he seemed to have disdain for.

So why were the two of you here, then? If he could of avoided this situation by himself, why bring _both_ of you here? Perhaps it was all part of your training, but you had to admit that you were certain it was more than that. Still, Ren had called an end to the conversation, so you’d have to ask him when you had a chance alone.

For now, you relaxed back into your seat and stared out as you sped through the galaxy. Best to think and prepare your questions on the trip.

…

Thankfully, the trip to Arkanis wasn’t terribly long, and you only had to suffer in silence for a short time. The planet sat in the Outer Rim, and it were to be believed that you had come from Ilum, it was really only a hop and a skip away when it came to space travel. As soon as you entered the planet’s atmosphere, the sound of rain pelting the shuttle at hundreds of kilometers an hour was nearly overwhelming. You grimaced, staring at the rain that peeled back from the viewport.

You had never personally been to Arkanis, but you knew it rained nearly every single day here. Seeing the sun was a cause for celebration, and unfortunately you wouldn’t be having one today. As Ren directed the ship into a large, busy spaceport, you guessed that you happened to arrive just as a massive downpour began. Just your luck.

The covered spaceport provided a brief respite as you docked, and you watched as a man in a stained gray jumper and goggles ran toward your ship. Several other ships were already docked here, and various folks of all kinds milled about. The port itself seemed well-kept, and the bright lights lining the ceiling provided adequate lighting to get a good view of the entirety of the bay.

The shuttle powered down as Ren finished the last of the necessary steps for landing, and you rose out of your seat and made your way toward the landing ramp. The man you saw running stood at the end of the ramp, datapad clutched in one hand. He gave a half-smile to your group as you headed toward him, and his free hand came up to scratch his stubbled cheek.

“Ah, howdy. Welcome. Uh, name an’ business?”

Hux made his way toward the man, offering a tight-lipped smile. “Armitage Hux, and this is my company. We’re here for a business meeting.”

“Right-o.” The man presented the datapad toward the General. “Uh, just sign on here, statin’ that you take responsibility for parkin’ your ship here, an’ we’re not responsible for any damages that may occur.”

The ginger-haired man used a gloved finger to quickly scribble a signature onto the surface of the datapad before handing it back. The man gave a nod of his head and mimicked tipping a hat.

“Cheers. Enjoy your stay.”

With that business squared away, the five of you exited the ship entirely and made your way across the dock. The troopers took place on either side of Hux, and Ren and yourself followed just behind. You couldn’t help but rubberneck as you passed by the various folks going about their business. The main hub of the spaceport was a sight to see as well, with a bar present in the center serving any traveler who needed a quick drink. Various tables littered the area, along with a few kiosks for both information and products.

You leaned toward Ren, hoping he’d be able to hear your over the cacophony of voices in the hub. “I’ll admit, I haven’t seen anything like this since I first got to Pinoora. Vardos’ spaceports were pretty boring, just full of our kind.”

“We’re not here to sight see,” he drawls.

You offer him a sour look at his reply, but you supposed he wasn’t wrong. As much as you’d like to scurry about and peek into every nook and cranny, you were here on a mission. You were still nervous, wondering just what it would entail. You desperately hoped you wouldn’t have to use the baton strapped to your waist.

Your group approached a door leading out, and you could already smell the heavy rain. Just outside the door sat a group of covered speeders powered by various R-series astromech droids. A Mon Calamari stood near them, glancing about as they searched for their next customers. Rain freely dripped down their skin, beading off the thin layer of mucus. You supposed an amphibious species like a Mon Calamari would be right at home here.

Hux turned to one of the ‘Troopers at his side, placing a fair amount of credits into the soldier’s palm. “Purchase a pair of speeders to take us to Mr. Eengway’s home.”

The ‘Trooper offered a single nod before heading out into the rain. You took the free moment to glance around, seeing just what kinds were taking their respite in the hub. As your eyes trailed around, you noticed some other pairs on your group. The realization made you frown.

“People are watching us,” you murmured.

“Naturally,” Ren stated, still staring forward, “We’re not exactly subtle. Stormtroopers can only mean one thing. They’re watching us to see if we cause any trouble.”

“I thought you said they _didn’t_ hate our guts.”

“I said we’re in a cold war. Tensions will be high if we move in any New Republic territory. But most people here are travelers or bounty hunters, and politics interest neither of them. We’re of no consequence to them. They’re just keeping an eye out.”

“I just don’t feel comfortable with so many eyes on me. I’m not used to it.”

Ren places a hand on your shoulder and forces you to turn so you’re facing the door once more. His mask turns down to look down at you.

“You’re safe beside me,” he murmurs, “Don’t worry.”

The ‘Trooper returns, and the five of you quickly run out into the rain and board the speeders. The water beads off of Ren’s cloak, and you wonder just why he hadn’t invested in a similar waterproof garment for you. Even the short dash had water soaking into your robes, and you shivered as a chill immediately overtook you. Thankfully, the speeders bore an awning of sorts, both to guard the astromechs and the speeders’ riders.

Hux and the Stormtroopers boarded one, cramming themselves fairly tightly into the limited standing space, and Ren and you took up the second one. The little golden droid piloting your speeder turned to look at you, beeping softly as it greeted you and told you to hold on. Your Binary was pretty rusty, but you could get some basics. Within moments, you were lifting off and zooming through the city.

Unfortunately, the cover on the speeder was great for when you were stationary, but when the rain started spraying at an angle as you sped forward, it failed to serve its only purpose. Your heads were mostly saved from the water, but your lower half was soon getting pelted and soaked. You grimaced as the freezing droplets made their way through your clothes, and you partially stepped behind Ren to avoid the worst of the rain.

He seemed to take note, and soon he grabbed his cloak and held out an arm to block your legs. A few stray droplets still struck you, but the waterproof cloak protected you for the most part. You were still cold, but between the cloak and Ren’s natural body heat radiating from him, you would at least survive. You stepped just a bit closer to him, just to feel warmer. There was no reason you should freeze if there was a perfectly warm, perfectly tall blockade beside you.

The trip wasn’t long, and soon the speeders parked in front of what looked like a very tall apartment building. The gray exterior was made all the more gloomy by the dark, brooding stormclouds overhead, and the transparisteel windows looked bleak as they reflected the mute sky. You quickly disembarked from the speeders and darted into the building. You did your best to shake out the rainwater as you stood in the lobby, and a small puddle formed below you.

The Stormtroopers likewise brought in rainwater with them, both of them jumping up and down slightly to shake it out of their armor. Hux’s heavy cloak seemed to be made out of a similar material to the one Ren wore, however, as only his hat seemed a bit wet. He quickly made his way over to the turbolift and pressed the up button. You heard the hissing of cables as it stared to make its way down to you, and you took the time to try to dry yourself off.

Once the turbolift arrived, the five of you boarded and went on up. It seemed you were going near to the very top, and the open design of the lift allowed you to see the top of the city as you rose higher and higher. It was rather bland, with most buildings being a dull gray or black, and you couldn’t see terribly far with the fog that blanketed the city. You often thought Vardos was a bleak place with its heavy urbanization of often thick smog, but this place screamed hopelessness.

A short ride later and the turbolift doors opened into what looked like a small entryway. A large set of double doors sat on the opposite end, and a silver 3PO-series protocol droid stood just in front of the door. It gave a jerky bow to your group before motioning toward the door.

“Welcome, General Hux. My master has been expecting you. I was not informed you would be bringing company, however.”

“Will that be a problem?”

“Certainly not, sir. I will adjust accommodations accordingly. Please follow me.”

The 3PO unit opened the door and slowly led your group into what looked like a lavish apartment. The front room bore a variety of artwork and statues, most of them being abstract. Three archways led off to the left, right, and straight ahead. The droid led you through the left archway and into a dining room. There was a large dining table in the center, lined with a variety of finger foods. A heavy chandelier hung overhead, its crystals glimmering in the florescent light.

At the head of the table sat an overweight yellow Twi’lek, draped in finery from head to toe. Even his lekku were decorated with wraps that bore gems and crystals, and they were wrapped around his thick neck to form a scarf of sorts. He offered a jovial smile as your party entered, and he rose from his seat and made his way over.

“Ah, Armitage! Welcome. I must admit, I’m surprised to see such strength with you. I assumed it would just be us, as friends, sharing a meal!”

His voice was accented but easy enough to understand. Hux removed his hat and carefully folded it before tucking it away into an inner pocket inside of his coat. Said coat was removed after and passed off to one of the ‘Troopers, who folded it over their arm.

“Consider it a failsafe, Poth.”

The Twi’lek’s smile was considerably less friendly now, but he still kept up appearances. “Of course. Will your friends be joining us? I can have the servants make more food! Guests should never go hungry.”

Hux holds up his hand, and you note that his smile almost seems genuine. “That won’t be necessary. Don’t pay them any mind.”

Poth sat at his head chair once more, and Hux took a seat on his left. The ‘Troopers stood just behind him, whereas Ren led the two of you behind the Twi’lek. Poth carefully watched both of you as you stood behind him, his blue eyes looking nervous. Still, he kept his attention toward Hux, attempting to appear as if you weren’t unnerving him.

Hux’s smile seemed placating, but it made you nervous. His speech wasn’t normal either, instead taking on a sickly sweet tone that would convey a friendly nature. It was such a stark contrast to how he spoke to you, and you wondered if Poth had seen both sides. At least Hux knew how to treat business partners, even if his sudden change in nature made you a bit unsettled.

Hux waited for the Twi’lek to reach for one of the appetizers before he started speaking. “I must admit, Poth, I was rather upset to hear you were considering pulling funding from us. What caused the change of heart?”

Poth’s hand hovered for a moment before he slowly withdrew his hand. “… Well, I’m just a bit worried about results, you understand? I’m glad to support someone who brings me results I can see. You talk about an economical revolution once you gain control of Arkanis, but… I don’t know, Armitage, I just have yet to see anything.”

“I’ve never fallen through on my promises yet, have I?” Hux implored, leaning forward and crossing his arms on the table, “Military maneuvers take time. We can’t take Arkanis overnight. If we’re to push back the New Republic at all, we need your credits to help us buy our power.”

“I think I’m fine where I am. The economy is fine right now with the New Republic, honestly. And aren’t stocks usually crippled when a territory is annexed? I’m worried the payout won’t be worth the recovery process.”

Hux sighed, shaking his head. “Risks are often _necessary_ in these times, and I can guarantee your contribution will be worth it. You just need to give us time.”

Poth sighs, rubbing his chin as he stares ahead. He doesn’t seem convinced.

Hux rolls his wrist and holds up a palm. “Further, let me put it this way--we simply offer the best protection. For an extra donation, I can even have Stormtroopers keep an eye out for you, my friend. If you pull your funding, you’ll have none of that. Do you think those extremists, the Resistance, will care if you are with us now or were with us in the past? If they even remotely think you’re involved, they might try to assassinate you in cold blood. Your very own money could ensure your safety.”

He shudders, his lekku twitching as he thinks of the ways he could be killed. “I _have_ heard of the Resistance. They seem like an unorganized bunch, but they’re effective.”

“Unorganized indeed. They hold no true power, and we can easily squash any fight they may put up in our territory. You wouldn’t have to worry about watching your neck if you keep funding us. We can protect you.”

“I… Suppose that certainly is a benefit. I just need to know you’ll be moving soon, Armitage. While supporting you isn’t illegal, I know the New Republic isn’t kind to folks like myself. If it gets out my money is moving to you and they continue to control Arkanis, I could be in trouble.”

“Worry not.” Hux gives him an easy smile. “It won’t be much longer. Politicians on Arkanis are already starting to see our side. Soon, the New Republic will have no power here, and you’ll have more credits filling your pockets than you’ll know what to do with.”

Poth thins his lips, drumming his fingers on the table. “… I believe I’ll have to think on it.”

With those words, Hux’s demeanor changes slightly, and you can see Ren tense out of the corner of your eye. The General leans closer to the Twi’lek, and the yellow-skinned man naturally leans away and back into his chair.

“We don’t have _time_ to think,” Hux says, his voice still kind but beginning to border on something dark, “I need a confirmation that you’ll continue funding. We can continue without you, but your funding is still vital.”

“It’s simply so much to think about! I worry for my own safety! Should war truly break out between you and the New Republic, I could be labeled a criminal. My reputation is at stake here!”

“And if you don’t stand with us, the Resistance will gut you. I’d much prefer the nearly impossible risk of jail time to bleeding out on my own home floor, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course, but jail still isn’t a good option!” Poth protests, throwing up his hands, “I’m starting to feel as if the risks are beginning to outweigh the benefits. Times are growing dangerous!”

There’s a sudden loud crackle of what sounds like electricity, and there’s a red light beside Ren as he steps forward. You see it--a red lightsaber, but its blade is unstable and spitting off dangerous sparks. A pair of red jets extend from the crossguard, nearly singeing Poth as Ren holds it up just near the lekku covering his neck.

“Ren--!” Hux begins to protest, but the Commander already has his free hand on the Twi’lek’s shoulder.

“Or I can save you the trouble in the first place and take your neurotic head from your shoulders now. You won’t need credits when you’re dead.”

Poth gasps, swallowing down a thick wad of saliva as he instinctively leans away from the lightsaber’s blade. His head bumps into Ren’s chest, and the Commander brings the searing hot blade ever so slightly closer.

“W-Well now perhaps that isn’t so necessary,” he stammers, his knuckles paling as he grips the sides of his chair, “With men like you on the First Order’s side, perhaps Arkanis will be under your rule sooner than expected.”

“Exactly,” Ren grits out “Now, what’s your decision?”

His eyes frantically flick to Hux, who now just looks annoyed as he frowns at Ren. He licks his lips, thinking for a moment, before giving a fraction of a nod.

“... I-I think our partnership should continue. I’ll send the funds as soon as possible.”

Ren’s lightsaber turns off as soon as he agrees, and the Twi’lek visibly relaxes. He steps away, clipping his lightsaber back to his belt and resuming his guarding stance.

Hux sighs, and now that tight smile is back. “ _Wonderful_. I’m glad we could come to an agreement. I do believe that was all the business I had to discuss.”

There’s more conversation as the General stands and offers parting words to the visibly shaken Twi’lek, but you’re too busy staring at Ren to capture it. He seemed perfectly calm, as if he hadn’t threatened to take Poth’s life. You stare at the lightsaber, and you can feel your heartbeat skittering even as you just look at it.

You forgot again--he was Kylo Ren. If this hadn’t been a nearly cordial business meeting, he might of actually followed through with his threat. You needed to keep your wits about you.

The five of you were guided from the apartment by the 3PO unit, who all together seemed rather unbothered. You suppose a droid wouldn’t care much about whether or not their master was killed. It would just mean they would be employed by a new one in time.

Hux took the time that you spent walking to the turbolift to put his large overcoat back on and affix his hat to his head. He was glaring at Ren all the while, and once you were in the lift, he began his diatribe.

“That was completely and wholly unnecessary. Now he thinks we’re going to kill him.”

“Wasn’t that the goal in the first place?” he bites back, “Leave the Order, and we make sure you don’t become a future problem.”

“It’s _implied_! Such brute force is completely untactful. I’ll be smoothing this over for weeks.”

“Our problem is solved. You should be thankful.”

Hux scoffs before turning to you. “If you take _anything_ useful from your master, let it not be this. These sort of situations need to be handled with a delicate hand. We needn’t be so barbaric.”

Ren’s helmet turns to you, daring you to agree with Hux. The General likewise stares at you, expecting your answer. You hunch your shoulders in, glancing down at the floor.

“... I don’t plan to threaten anyone with a weapon, but I imagine it has its uses in certain situations.”

The ginger-haired man rolls his eyes. “Hmph, perhaps on the battlefield. But don’t believe for a second it has a place here.”

You can hear the leather of Ren’s gloves creaking as he grips his fists, but he holds remarkable control over himself. Nonetheless, you can feel the rage pouring from him as you stand beside him, hitting you like boiling water. The harsh nature of it makes you flinch, and you subconsciously take a step away from him. His projection is nearly overwhelming, and it’s giving you a headache.

Hux briskly exits the lift as the doors open, the ‘Troopers following quickly behind him. Ren waits a couple seconds to put space between him and the General before following out after, and you likewise scurry along. He stomps across the tile, walking with a stern pace. You hoped he’d cool off before he started piloting the shuttle, because you might just throw up if he flew erratically.

Thankfully, your speeders are still waiting for you, and you dash beneath the awning. The rain seems to only have increased in intensity, and you can’t wait to be off of this planet. The R-series unit greets you brightly once more before powering up the speeder and sending you back off toward the spaceport. Ren moves his cloak once again to cover your lower half, and you do your best to send him a grateful look.

With a brief moment to yourselves, you decide to strike up a conversation. “If you don’t mind me asking--” He almost most definitely did. “--What did General Hux mean on the ship? You volunteering yourself?”

“When I think I’ll have a moment of peace, you’re there to ruin it.”

You frown. “It’s just a question. If you don’t want to talk, fine.”

There’s a long moment of silence, and you are just about to resign yourself to an awkward ride before Ren speaks up.

“You were supposed to accompany Hux alone on this mission. I knew you would be uncomfortable.”

Oh. You force your attention to the gray buildings as they rapidly whip by. Your reflection is briefly shown in the windows as you pass along.

“You… Didn’t have to come. I would of eventually been fine,” you murmur, but no doubt he can sense at least a fraction of your thankfulness.

“It’s better this way. You said it yourself--you’re not intimidating.” That makes you furrow your brow. “Further, Hux is not a kind man. My master knows this. He wanted to push you, like he did with the Knights. I didn’t want a repeat of the last time I left you behind.”

“If you keep protecting me, I don’t think your master is going to be very happy. I can take getting bullied.” After a few moments, you add, “I worry for _you_.”

“Your concern is appreciated, but unnecessary. I’ll deal with the consequences of my actions when we get back home.”

_Home_. What a funny thought, that the miserable little ice planet of Ilum was your home. But you really did feel more at home there than you had on Vardos. You had companions, even if you didn’t know them all that well, and Ren was getting easier to tolerate. It was likewise strange to think you were worried about what repercussions he might face; but when you thought of him getting punished for helping you, you felt your chest clench.

The silence that falls is comfortable, and you step close to Ren to avoid the stray droplets that threaten to soak your clothes. The speeder slides into its spot at the Mon Calamari’s stand, and the vendor gives you a nod of their head as you disembark. You wish you had physical credits to tip the fellow, but any money you had was locked into an account. So you just offered a polite smile and scurried into the spaceport, just behind Hux and his company.

Despite your mission being over, you’re given no time to sight see even now, and you’re ushered along and into the bay. So many stories to be told by the travelers passing by, but you would not be privy to them today. Oh well, it was high time to get back to the boring identical walls of Starkiller Base and be bored out of your skull. How jolly.

The stubbled man from before with the strange accent is there to greet you as you board the Upsilon-class shuttle, and Hux signs the datapad once more. Ren is quick to get into position, and you take your place behind him. This mission really had been rather quick, all things considered. You wouldn’t admit it in front of Hux, naturally, but you imagined it’s speed was attributed to Ren’s… Handling of the situation. While you didn’t agree with it and in fact found it to be particularly terrifying, you knew it could of taken much longer had you been entirely diplomatic. In a way, you were slightly thankful for Ren’s short temper.

The ship hummed to life, and soon you were speeding out of the spaceport and gaining altitude. You glanced down at the rainy city below as you soared higher into the atmosphere, and you were certain you wouldn’t be taking a vacation here any time soon. That was even if you could travel. It was unlikely, but if you could, you’d pick a nice temperate, green planet. A nap in a tree sounded just like what you needed.

You gave a small yawn, leaning back into your seat. There wasn’t enough time in the trip to get a true nap, but maybe you could rest your eyes. Ren could shake you when you got home.

Hm, there it was again.

Home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems you're finally having to prove your merit. Kylo Ren's mysterious master no doubt has other missions planned for you in the future. Will you be able to wriggle your way out of those two, or will you finally have to do things you might regret?
> 
> Woof, this chapter was tough to write, but it's pretty lengthy! I've got the next several chapters already planned out and in the works (for once), and I'm pretty pumped. It won't be very fun for you, though, dear reader. ;3
> 
> Notable terms (there's a ton again!):  
> Arkanis - A rainy little planet in the Outer Rim. This is the homeworld of Hux!  
> Centrists - A political faction in the Galactic Senate that values law and military. First Order supporters are usually Centrists.  
> Corellian hound - A canine native to Corellia. They are often trained to be guard dogs or used in hunting.  
> F-11D blaster rifle - The standard rifle that First Order Stormtroopers use  
> Electroprod - A staff-like weapon with an electrical prod at one end. They can be used in battle, but are often used by guards.  
> SE-44C blaster pistol - The standard blaster pistol used by First Order officers  
> Z6 riot control baton - A large electrical baton used by specialized Stormtroopers to manage riots. FN-2199 uses this weapon in The Force Awakens!  
> Upsilon-class command shuttle - Ren's signature ship! It looks like a luxury ship, but it's equipped with military-grade sensors and two heavy laser cannons.  
> Ilum - A snowy planet located in the Unknown regions, home to Starkiller Base. Once a site of pilgrimage for young padawans to collect their crystals, it now bears the scars of over-mining from the Galactic Empire during the construction of the Death Stars.  
> R-series astromech droid - This is what R2-D2 is! There's a variety of droids in this line, most acting as piloting assistants.  
> Binary - The language of the droids, consisting of a series of beeps and whistles  
> Transparisteel - The Star Wars equivalent to glass  
> Turbolift - You guessed it, the Star Wars equivalent to an elevator.  
> 3PO-series protocol droid - This is what C-3PO is! These droids are often used as bridges for communication, whether between business partners or different species.
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	10. Chapter 8 - Changes

A couple of days had passed since your mission to Arkanis. Ren had taken a brief trip away from Starkiller the day after you returned, but he’d returned at the start of yesterday’s cycle. He hadn’t fetched you for training, but you assumed he was stressed from whatever he’d done and needed a day to recover. Your hunch seemed to be correct to some degree, for he had showed up to your door this morning for your usual schedule. The few days without training would no doubt come to bite you, and you weren’t looking forward to sore muscles.

You stretched out your arms as you entered the training room, pulling them across your chest as you arched your back. You had missed your meditation sessions a bit, since they were quite relaxing. It also allowed you a moment to see Ren in a calmer state--something that wasn’t terribly common. After your trip to Arkanis, he’d stormed off as soon as you landed, and some whispering from ‘Troopers told you he’d taken out his anger to Hux on some equipment. You much preferred the man who didn’t throw tantrums.

“What’s the plan for today?” you questioned, swinging your arms back and forth as you finished stretching them.

Ren paused for a moment, his helmet turned to you. “Hand-to-hand combat. You won’t always have a weapon at your disposal.”

You could do that. You were getting better, but Ren was still far superior to you when it came to using a weapon to fight, especially if it was a blade or resembled one. You could use your smaller form to perhaps dexterously avoid his hits and score a few of your own. Ren was large, but that meant he couldn’t quite move as fast. If you stuck low to the ground, he might have a harder time striking you.

But, first you had to meditate. You took your seat on the mat, smoothing out your robes and crossing your legs. Ren took a moment to unfasten his cape and toss it off to the side before sitting down, likely so it wouldn’t get in the way later. His shoulders only appeared marginally smaller without the garment, and you still felt dwarfed as he sat down across from you, your knees nearly touching. His helmet hissed, and he slowly pulled it off.

You gasped. His lip looked like it had been split, and there was some bruising around it and on the left side of his chin. Likewise, it looked like he had a black eye on his left eye that had begun to heal, the bruising going a sickly yellow. The bags beneath his eyes were heavier than before.

“Your face… Are you--?”

He interrupts you. “You’re going to try to block your thoughts from me today. Imagine a locked door.”

You wouldn’t let him push this away. “What happened? You always wear your helmet.”

His brow knots, and he looks annoyed. “Does it matter? It’s in the past. Leave it.”

You reach forward, and he flinches as your fingers touch his cheek. His skin is warm, and even warmer as you gently stroke over the bruise on his chin. It’s healing, but it looks nasty. You try to gingerly turn his head to get a better look, and he lets you.

“Kylo…” He inhales sharply as you say his name. “Have you gone to the medbay? What if something is fractured?” With the way his eye looks, it was possible.

“That’s unnecessary.” He tries to make his voice sound harsh, but he’s mumbling. “I’m fine.”

He looks back to you, and you keep your hand where it is. He leans slightly into your touch, even as he pretends to glare at you.

“What happened?” you ask softly.

He’s silent for a while, those dark eyes of his simply staring at you. Eventually, they flicker away, and you feel his breath against your hand as he sighs through his nose.

“I told you there would be consequences for helping you. I’ll gladly take them.”

That just makes you frown, and your hand slowly drops into your lap. You can feel his disappointment. “So your master did this? Kylo that’s… That’s terrible. I don’t want you doing things for me if _this_ is going to happen.”

He simply gives a shake of his head. “The pain makes me stronger. Wounds heal and scars fade. I’m fine.”

“But you don’t deserve it!” you protest.

“Don’t I?” he wryly states before he can catch himself, “… But it doesn’t matter. It’ll be gone in a few days. I don’t need your concern.”

You wish he’d let you help him, but he’s blocking you out. If he won’t accept your help, there’s nothing you can do. You sigh, averting your gaze down to your lap.

“... For my sake, next time I’m assigned a mission, let me do it. I… I don’t want to see you like this.”

You can see him place his gloved hands on his knees out of the corner of your eye, and his sigh is soft.

“If it’ll make you happy.”

There’s a long stretch of silence between the both of you, and you take the moment to place your hands on your knees and attempt to clear your mind. It’s difficult, because you’re worried for him, but you at least try. You don’t want this meditation to be completely bunk.

Eventually, Ren speaks up. “Try to keep me out. Don’t allow me to read your thoughts.”

The both of you shut your eyes, and you imagine a door in front of you. It hisses shut, and you start to set the locks. Immediately, you feel a slight prickle on the edges of your mind; invisible tendrils attempting to snake their way into your thoughts. You furrow your brow and keep the door closed, even as the locks start to shake. The pressure is a bit more now, but it isn’t painful.

“Good.” You distantly hear Ren’s voice. “Keep your walls up.”

The training continues, with Ren gently pushing against the walls of your mind as you fight back. It’s mentally exhausting, and you know you couldn’t hold back if he truly wanted to read you, but you nonetheless hold up against the onslaught. After several minutes of your mental dance, he gives a sudden and hard push. A flicker of pain runs through your temples, and you grunt as you imagine pressing your own hands against the door to keep it closed. It stays, but just barely.

“That’s enough.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding and open your eyes. You feel dizzy.

“In time, you’ll learn to do that subconsciously,” he states, “But, for now, you’re doing well.”

That praise caused a small, warm glow to form in your chest, and you dipped your head as you hid your smile. While the Force was still intimidating to you, you were glad that you were getting better at utilizing it. You still feared fully taking control, concerned that you’ll have a repeat incident of the event that happened in your first few days on Starkiller Base; but Ren was helping you feel more comfortable with your abilities.

You rose to your feet, taking it slowly as your vision wobbled slightly. The dizziness would pass eventually, but the feeling in the moment was slightly nauseating. Thankfully, over time even this would pass. You were unsure if you’d really be able to block your thoughts from others without thinking about it, but Ren’s confidence in you did help. You would simply have to work harder.

Instead of putting his helmet back on like usual, Ren picked it up and set it off to the side of the room, by the weapon racks. He returned to you, towering over you as he approached. He didn’t look nearly as intimidating as usual with his bruised face, and the sight of it made you frown slightly once more.

“We’ll begin with breaking out of holds. After that, we’ll spar.”

He quickly moves, making you jump as he simply grabs your wrist. His gloved hand easily covers your skin, and he tightens his hold to hurt just enough.

“We’ll start simple. Try to get out of this.”

You remembered at least a little from your old training, so you balled your fist on your held arm tightly. Your other hand came over and quickly grabbed that fist before sharply pulling upward. Easy enough, Ren wasn’t able to hold onto you, and you stumbled back slightly as you were released. He gave an approving nod.

“Good. You haven’t forgotten everything.”

Then he’s darting forward again, and you gasp as he twists one of your arms behind you and pins it to your back. You’re immediately reminded of your first day here when you attempted to fight him, and your muscles tense as you aim to sharply pull forward. He’s one step ahead of you, though, and he walks the both of you to the nearest wall and pins you against it so you can’t easily twist away.

He leans forward, his mouth beside your ear. “Not so fast. Now try.”

You feel the hairs on the back of your neck tingle, and you force your breathing to remain steady. His chest presses into your arm, providing an extra layer of support to keep you secure. With your free arm, you could wind back your elbow and strike his face, but you really don’t want to cause more damage. So you move quickly, swinging your elbow instead into his ribs and making him grunt. He stumbles slightly to the side, and you hook your foot between his now open legs and start to bring your heel up. He jumps back before you can strike him in that vital area.

Now with his chest off of you, you push off of the wall and twist sharply to the side, and your arm comes free. You whip around quickly, instinctively putting up your fists as you prepare for a fight. You catch yourself immediately, and you let out an awkward laugh as you let your hands drop.

Ren seems pleased. “It looks like it won’t be so easy to control you now.”

“As it it was before,” you retort, raising an eyebrow.

He hums at that, and you note how the corner of his mouth twitches. “If you say so.”

You find yourself on the ground within a second as he sweeps your legs and pushes a strong arm into your chest to knock you down. You land with a groan, your head slamming into the mat. He’s on you immediately, sitting on top of your hips with his full weight and reaching for your wrists to keep you down. You don’t give him the chance, instead pressing all of your weight into one of your heels and kicking off as you twist your body to the side.

The movement frees one of your legs, and you try to kick him in the thigh to free your other one. In the time it’s taken you to get one leg out from beneath him, he’s managed to get a hold on one wrist, and he’s fighting you for control on your other one. You grit your teeth, twisting until your other leg is free. You quickly shove your feet into the grooves of his hips, twisting your heels inward as you push up. His grip loosens on you, and you sharply pull your arms out to the side to free yourself. The sudden off-balance makes him nearly fall on top of you, and he catches himself with one hand.

You take his moment of surprise to roll back onto your shoulders, but instead of completing the roll, you grab his head with your thighs. You only briefly see his eyes widen in surprise as you twist him to the left, knocking him onto his back. Your own body follows in the momentum, and soon you’re sitting on his chest with your fists at the ready to take him down again.

When you see that he’s simply watching you now, you sigh and give him a small glare. “Are you teaching me how to break holds or are we sparring? You gotta warn me.”

Ren takes that moment to recompose himself, and his next words come out as a wheeze. “I’d talk, but you’re making it difficult.”

He doesn’t allow you to adjust yourself, instead grabbing your thighs and twisting you off to the side. You roll for a moment before hopping back to your feet, watching him as he grunts and likewise stand. You note that he looks a bit flushed.

“Since you _clearly_ have a handle on holds, now we can spar.” He still sounded a bit out of breath, and you bit your lip to hold in a smug smile.

You have little time to feel self-righteous as Ren leaps at you with a low-aiming punch. You quickly block it before responding with a punch of your own. He likewise catches it, and you give him a grin as he raises an eyebrow at you. So that’s how it would be.

The two of you exchanged blows, darting around the training room and occasionally landing hits. Ren often tried to get you back into a hold, but you were wise to his game and lept away before he could grab you. It was tiring, but you found yourself actually having a good time. Sure, any punches that did hit still hurt, but you weren’t in terrible pain and struggling like you did with most other trainings. Instead, you felt like you were actually doing a half-decent job.

Still, he was better trained than you and naturally lasted longer, and eventually you grew sluggish. That would prove to be your end, and Ren took the chance to knock you to the ground on your chest. Just as you caught yourself and attempted to get back up, the wind was knocked out of you by a weight on your lower back. Both of your arms were pinned behind your back, and you heard short puffs of air in your ear as Ren’s long hair tickled the back of your head.

He breathed deeply for a moment, catching his breath before he spoke. “I think that’s enough.” His voice was low and ragged.

You turned your head to the side, barely glimpsing the good side of his face. “I can get out of this.”

He tightened his grip slightly, squeezing your wrists. “ _I’m_ done.”

Still, he holds you for a moment more, still breathing heavily. You feel him lean down slightly, pressing his forehead into the back of your head for but a moment. Your skin shudders at the touch, but you don’t get a chance to think on it as he rolls off of you. You sit up onto your knees, rubbing the pain out of your wrists.

Ren’s stare is heavy, and you find yourself averting your gaze to avoid feeling awkward. He was being strange again.

He gets up to his feet and offers you a hand, and you gladly take it. Effortlessly, he pulls you to your feet before making his way over to where he left his helmet atnd cape. You rub your thumb into the palm of the hand he held.

He affixes both his helmet and his cape before speaking up. “I’m leaving for a mission tonight. I likely won’t be back for a few days. You’ll have to continue your training on your own.”

Oh. You felt a bit disappointed. “I understand.”

But he didn’t leave. His hands twitched at his sides for a moment, and you raised an eyebrow at him.

“... In a week, there’s a… Political event of sorts. I don’t pretend to understand it, nor do I care; but I’m required to go. The heads of the First Order, along with several officers, are required to mingle with some of our supporters. Hux arranged it, as he seems to think it’ll improve our relations.” There’s a static-filled snort. “It’s a waste of time.”

He sighs, folding his arms across his chest. “You’re not required, but I’d appreciate if you came with me. I… Do feel as if I could keep my head a little more with you there. As much as I wouldn’t mind ruining Hux’s little tea party, I know it’s better to let it happen.”

You blinked in surprise. You were surprised Ren even agreed going to this party, but perhaps he didn’t have a choice. “I… I suppose. I don’t exactly have anything nice to wear, though.”

“Just wear what you have now. It’s what I’m doing.” He states it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

You place your hands on your hips, frowning at him. “If you’re going to something like this, you have to look half decent! It’s part of the atmosphere.”

“I refuse.”

You roll your eyes. “At least go without your helmet and cape, then. _Try_ to look normal. As for me… I don’t feel comfortable wearing this. It feels weird.”

Ren pauses for a moment, thinking. “… Hux has a tailor he uses. He likes his uniforms a certain way, naturally. You could get something from him.”

“Oh, so I’ll just ask _the General_ to use his personal tailor. I’m sure that’ll go swimmingly.”

“I’m sure he would appreciate doing anything other than trimming a centimeter off a shirt. I’ll discuss it with Hux.”

You supposed it was better than wearing your current robes. You would personally prefer if you could just go shopping off-world, but you imagined that wasn’t an option. You would have to take what you could get.

When you didn’t protest, Ren gave a nod. “Good. I’ll see you in a few days.”

And with that he was gone. You shook your head, letting out a sigh. What were you getting yourself into?

…

It seems Ren had been true to his word, as you found yourself face-to-face with a well-dressed man that you’d never met before about an hour prior to when you would order dinner. He was older, his black hair just starting to salt-and-pepper. His bright blue eyes were already glancing you over, and his lips seemed to permanently be twisted down into a small frown. He didn’t seem terribly mean, but rather his neutral face just happened to look annoyed. Most notably, perhaps, was his left arm, which seemed to be completely cybernetic. Instead of having a covering to resemble flesh, it bore a metallic, flashy design.

“Oh!” you exclaimed as he entered your room, “I don’t believe we’ve met.”

“No, we haven’t,” he plainly states, “Call me Exo. I’m here to construct your outfit for… A political banquet, I believe it was? I can ensure your fashion fits right in, darling.”

Right. You gave an awkward cough, straightening out your back. “I’m a bit surprised you’re already here.”

“Armitage often has me on-call, and Vardos really isn’t terribly far from here. I do admit I was a bit surprised to hear I’d be making an outfit for a young woman, but the challenge is appreciated.”

“Vardos, huh? I used to live there.”

“And now you dedicate your life to the First Order. Patriotic, no?”

You just gave an awkward smile, not too keen on correcting him in that moment. Exo gave a clap of his hands before motioning to your robes.

“Very well, dear. Let’s get to work. In order to get the most ideal measurements, if you could strip down to just the basics, that would be delightful. We can retreat to your room, if that’s more comfortable.”

Your face heats up slightly. “P-Pardon me?”

He gives a chittering laugh. “Oh, don’t be embarrassed. I’ve seen everything. Until you’ve made dancer’s outfits for a Hutt lord’s Twi’lek whores, you haven’t seen some truly interesting things. I wouldn’t worry.”

Somehow that didn’t comfort you, but you nevertheless awkwardly led him back toward your chambers. The older man simply perused your room, leaving you to get undressed with no small discomfort. You soon found yourself in your underwear, saved at least from showing your birthday suit to this complete stranger.

Exo hums as he approaches you, reaching into his coat and producing what looks like a measuring tape. Even in this day and age of ever-advancing tech, it was nice to see him sticking to basics that some of the most primitive tailors used. He tapped your arms, and you raised them until they were sticking out straight.

As he began to measure you, he started up a conversation. “Now, tell me what you’re looking for. Are we thinking a dress? I can also fashion a lovely pantsuit, or perhaps we could even do a three-piece.”

“Uh, a dress is fine, I guess,” you said as you avoided looking directly at him, “I’ve never exactly… Dressed up. I’m not sure what looks good.”

“A crying shame, that is. I do love looking my best wherever I go, but _especially_ at parties. We’ll make sure you look wonderful.” He stretches the tape from your armpit to your hip, humming to himself before noting the measurement in a datapad. “What style are we thinking? Naturally, exposed cleavage is all the rage, but a modest cut can likewise be just as exciting.”

“I think I’d rather be covered up. I mean… A little skin is fine? But… I don’t know, nothing excessive.”

“Certainly!” He darts around you, and you jump as you feel the tape between your shoulderblades. “How about an open-backed design? You seem like a strong young woman, and I’m sure you’d be interested in showing off your hard work. Maybe we’ll intimidate any daring politicians with those lovely muscles of yours!”

You shrug awkwardly. “S-Sure. That sounds fine.”

“Delightful. You won’t be able to wear a bra with that, then, but I could design a garment that adheres to the front with a little bit of support, if necessary. Would you like me to match some underwear as well? We could make something terribly lascivious.”

“I think I’m good! I’ll just wear… Whatever.”

“If you’re certain. Just know I’m a call away from making something to impress our dear Commander. On that note, should we make this black to match--”

“Wait, what?” You dropped your arms, whipping around to look at Exo. “That is… _No_! I’m not--!”

“Oh dear!” He looks a bit surprised. “Forgive me for my assumptions. I was told this was at the request of Kylo Ren, so naturally I assumed… Well, I apologize.”

You sighed, turning back around so he could resume his measurements. “He just needs me to go with him to this _event_.”

Exo chuckles. “I’m sorry, dear, but that does sound a bit like he wants you to be his date to this. I don’t presume to know anything about the Commander, especially not beneath that mask, but any man asking a pretty young woman out to a party often means one thing.”

“It’s business,” you bite out.

“Perhaps! If that’s the case, then I’m certainly curious as to why he paid for the fitting, dress, _and_ tip, then!”

_Ren_. You bite the inside of your cheek, glaring ahead. “I didn’t ask him to.”

“Of course not. That means you would be paying him back somehow. It appears he’s given you a lovely gift. Perhaps you should thank him?”

“Maybe by bringing him to his senses. This is…”

Exo only laughs a little more at that. “Feisty. I think it’s charming. The cold-hearted hound of the Order is finally feeling a bit tender. Oh, that could make for a lovely story.”

Your glare over your shoulder has him chortling, and he continues the rest of his measurements with the occasional snicker. The rest of his small talk isn’t nearly so annoying, and soon he has all of your measurements in his datapad. You’re surprised you only feel marginally violated at the end of it, and mostly from his weird interest in the relationship between you and Ren.

“I don’t have many orders at this point in time, so this should be done right before the banquet. I’ll have it delivered to you, as I’m sure you don’t have the time to pop by Vardos for tea. I do admit, I’m quite excited.”

The twinkle in his eye made you nervous, but you made the likely poor decision to trust him. “Thank you for this. I’m glad I don’t just have to wear my robes. I’d be embarrassed.”

“As would I!” He waves his hand. “It’s of no real consequence. I’m already paid, so I’m more than happy to make you feel comfortable. You’re going to be gorgeous, darling.”

You start dressing, and Exo makes his way toward the door of your bedroom. As he’s about to leave, he pauses and sends you a small smile.

“Commander Ren is going to _adore_ what I have in mind. Cheers!”

You groan, biting your lip as you angrily tug your clothes back on. When Ren came back from his mission, you were going to have to have a discussion on his phrasing. You requested this, not him, and you would of found a way to pay for it. You didn’t need this… _Gift_.

In the midst of your grumpy musings, you faintly hear Exo as he’s heading into the hallway.

“Oh! Pardon me… She’s just in… Getting dressed… Of course…”

You furrow your brow, tugging on the last of your garments. You hadn’t ordered dinner yet, so you couldn’t imagine who it could be. Maybe Ren was popping by before he left? If so, you had a piece of your mind to give him.

Unfortunately, the sight that greeted you when you entered the front room was neither food nor Ren. You inhaled sharply as you saw the striking form of Xenok standing with his arms crossed. His glaive shone dimly in the light of the room, and you felt the hairs on your arms raising as you approached.

The empty eyes of his mask stared down at you as he spoke. “We’re going on a mission.”

The words were eerily similar to what Ren had said when he came to your room just mere days ago, but now the implication was far more dreadful. You tensed up, your hands clenching at your side.

“What do you mean?” you ask, trying to keep your voice level, “I thought the Knights only went on missions with Ren.”

“Well, lucky you, it’s just us. Grab what you need and meet me in Hangar 4 in 15 minutes. We might be gone for a few days.”

And with that, he was gone, leaving you to drown in your own thoughts. You had no idea what this mission entailed, but the fact that you had to do it with Xenok left you feeling fear. A mission alone with Hux may have been a bit annoying, but at least he hadn’t completely abused you. This Knights had zero cares for you. You weren’t sure why you had been paired together in the first place. Was this another test?

You shut your eyes, focusing your mind so you could reach out.

_”Kylo?”_

You waited, hoping and _praying_ , but there was no answer. Wherever he was, it wasn’t here. Even as you narrowed your focus even further, you couldn’t sense him anywhere. You were alone. He couldn’t help you now.

Your eyes opened and you inhaled sharply, forcing yourself to move. You were wasting time, and you didn’t want to give Xenok a reason to criticize you. With a numb mind, you grabbed the leather bag that had once held all you had from your life. You’d shoved it away, perhaps another attempt to forget the past, but now you would need to confront it once more.

You had to tell yourself you would be okay. You just had to keep a straight mind and get through this mission, nothing more. You would return soon, and Ren would be there to confide in. It wouldn’t be long.

Just survive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ren is acting unusual, but it's certainly not an unwelcome change. Unfortunately for you, dear reader, it seems the coming days will have little of the Commander and much more of your new Knight rival. Will you make it out alive?
> 
> We love a soff boy. Soon he'll be even softer. ;3 I also didn't feel like this chapter was all that good, but maybe that's because it's shorter! I hope the next will be better and longer.
> 
> There's no notable terms this chapter!
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	11. Chapter 9 - Pride and Politics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood ; mild gore ; mind-numbing politics

Your mind had been somewhat shut off as you hurriedly scurried to gather your belongings before meeting Xenok in the loading bay. Your bag, once a relic of your time as a Jedi apprentice, was now packed with the few clothes you owned and some very basic toiletries. You stopped by the armory along the way, selecting the blaster pistol and baton that Ren had provided you with on your first trip to Arkanis. You were still loathe to use them, but you didn’t know what sort of mission awaited you. It was better to be prepared, just in case.

A mild nausea had replaced any hunger you felt from missing dinner, and the thought made you wonder if you should try to find any rations and pack them. You had no idea if food would be available on this mission of yours, but you were pretty sure you didn’t have any time anyways to go searching. You’d nearly used up the last of your time, so you made the decision to forgo rations and hope something would be provided. Hopefully this nausea would soon pass and a raving hunger wouldn’t follow soon after.

You found yourself in Hangar 4 just before your time was up, and you spotted Xenok standing in front of a _Xi_ -class light shuttle. The white exterior of the starship stood stark against the black interior of the hangar, and the Knight looked particularly out of place next to it. A woman stood next to him, her teal uniform indicating her position of colonel. You were quick to approach, giving a tiny bow of your head as you came to a stop in front of them. Xenok looked you over for a moment before nodding his head and heading up the loading ramp.

You followed after him, dropping your bag off in the passenger area near the front of the loading dock before heading deeper into the ship. Two seats sat in the cockpit, and Xenok already sat at one as he worked on powering up the ship. You glanced behind you at the colonel, but she had already taken a seat in the passenger area. You had little idea of how to pilot a starship, so you simply sat down beside Xenok and kept your hands in your lap. The less you were a bother, the less reason he’d have to insult you.

The shuttle hummed to life and you stared blankly ahead at the white expanse just outside of the hangar. You weren’t sure if you preferred the rain of Arkanis or the snow of Ilum. Though, you had never actually been off-base and wandered the planet’s terrain yourself. You imagined you’d like it a lot less if you had to actually walk through it.

It wasn’t long before the shuttle was rising off the ground, and with a rumble you blasted out of the hanger. Your fingers dug into the leather of the chair as Xenok took a sharp turn into the atmosphere, making your stomach briefly turn. It seemed as if the Knights shared the same sort of piloting ability, though Xenok’s was slightly less nauseating than Ren’s. He likely flew a bit more frequently with other people in the ship compared to the Commander.

“Let me brief you while we’re on the way,” Xenok began, his gaze focused straight ahead, “Politicians on Arkanis are going to be having a meeting tomorrow afternoon on switching their allegiance over to the First Order. Colonel Parnadee here is representing our side and will be working on convincing the undecided to join us.”

It seemed your visit to Poth Eengway had some influence after all, though you couldn’t exactly say you were surprised. “I see. And my position in this?”

“Intelligence has revealed there might be some Resistance or Resistance-hired bounty hunters present to cause some havoc. I’m sure you know the Resistance is a small offshoot of the New Republic, but they’re growing to be a thorn in our side. Your job is to represent our military power and dissuade any scum from becoming involved. You’ll stay by Colonel Parnadee’s side.”

That sounded easy enough. “And you?”

“My mission is separate from yours. It’s just easier to travel together.”

You waited for him to explain more, but he didn’t seem so keen. You sighed, watching as the stars began to stretch as Xenok sent you into hyperspace. Your stomach churned again, and you winced as it felt like it began to rise into your throat.

“Do you think you can handle that, little _student_?” The Knight snarled, his emphasis making the term sound like an insult.

“I’ll be just fine,” you bite back, “Watch the area, act scary. I can do that.”

He just snorts at you. “Try not to mess up. It’s vital we get Arkanis’ support. If you screw us over, you’ll be wishing Ren never laid eyes on you.”

You turned your face away so he didn’t see your snarl. You couldn’t understand his hatred for you, as you had done nothing other than try to learn from Ren. It was likely he just had a stick up his rear, but his constant insults left you feeling the rising bubbling of rage. Ren said anger fueled the dark side, right? While you weren’t certain you were so keen on using it, you might as well use it to your advantage around Xenok. You didn’t exactly mind hating him.

…

Your arrival to the hotel you would be staying at didn’t take long, thankfully. You’d quickly passed through the spaceport and gotten on a speeder. The rain had eased up to a light drizzle from the last time you were here, and you made it to the hotel only a little wet. The building itself was quite nice, the drab exterior a stark contrast to the near-romantic interior. High ceilings had crystalline chandeliers hanging from them, and massive carved archways provided entryway into the various halls branching off from the lobby. You were provided a keycard by the receptionist, and soon your found yourself sitting on your bed and staring out across the dreary, dark town.

Xenok had told you to meet him in the lobby at ten, so you had been quick to set the room’s alarm clock to give you enough time to get ready. Arkanis’ cycles were pretty similar to standard cycles, but you didn’t trust yourself not to wake up late. With that squared away, however, you changed into your nightwear and chose a nice meal to be delivered by the kitchen staff of the hotel. You _had_ been rudely taken away just before dinner time, after all.

Before departing to his room, Xenok had given you a holotransciever to communicate with him should anything go wrong, along with his code. You’d connected it to your datapad, and now you tossed the device between your hands as you watched the rain drip down the transperisteel. Ren was certainly busy with his mission, but perhaps he’d like to know you were okay. You’d technically had his contact information and code from day one, but never had the chance nor desire to use it.

You were loathe to admit it, but you already missed him, even if just a little bit.

You chewed the inside of your cheek, staring down at his contact on your datapad. It was a bit silly, only having his and Xenok’s in there. Your old datapad hadn’t been much better, however, only containing the contacts of coworker’s who had needed to call you to cover their shifts or when you got drinks for everyone in the morning.

You inhaled sharply and hit his contact before placing the holotransciever on the floating nightstand on the side of the bed. You adjusted your hair and folded your hands in your lap as you waited for him to accept the message.

In a few moments, a blue bust of a helmeted Ren appeared. The image moved frequently, and you guessed he was holding the holotransciever. He glanced over his shoulder before looking back to you.

“What is it?” He sounded annoyed.

“I--” You bit your lip, looking away. What were you supposed to say? “… I thought we could talk.”

There’s a long moment of silence before he sighs. You want to giggle, but you hold it back. “ _Fine._ Give me a moment.”

The picture disappears for a moment, but your glowing device tells you that you’re still connected. You hear his robes shuffling and some grunting, along with what sounds like the sound of rocks getting ground underfoot. The noises begin to echo, and soon his bust appears again. He sounds like he’s breathing heavy.

“Where are you?” you question, as you can’t exactly see his surroundings.

“I wasn’t aware you were my mother,” he chides, “I didn’t know I had to tell you exactly where I am at any given time. Don’t concern yourself.”

You roll your eyes, which he obviously catches. “It just sounds like you’re outdoors. I was curious.”

“I’m in a cave,” he explains as his voice echoes off the walls.

“Camping, hm? Exciting.” You pause, fiddling with your hands in your lap. “Can I see your face?”

“There’s no need.”

“I feel like I’m talking to a statue. For all I know, you’re not even Ren.”

“You had to choose my contact to call me.”

“And those sorts of calls can get intercepted! What if you’re a Republican spy? Anyone can make a mask.”

His annoyed sigh makes you bite your tongue, because you must _really_ be driving him up the wall at this point. Still, the picture disappears once more, and you hear the sound of his helmet hissing. When he reappears, you can see him. He looks tired, and his face is still bruised. A cowlick curls up near the back of his head, and you smile.

“It’s amazing how you do anything I tell you to,” you tease, “I thought you were my master? I think our roles have switched.”

“That tongue of yours wouldn’t be so smart if I was there,” he growls, “Don’t think you can test your boundaries because we’re apart.”

He’s all bark and no bite at this distance, and you can’t help but laugh. He glares at you still, but you notice that his face softens marginally at the sound of your laughter.

“How did you call me?” You must look surprised, because the image of him gets closer as he leans forward and stares at you. “I never gave you a holotransciever. It slipped my mind--but, regardless.”

You pause, wondering how he’ll react to your next words. “I’m on a mission.”

“What.”

“I’m on a mission,” you repeat, “I didn’t know if you’d know or not. Xenok took me to it.”

He sighs heavily through his nose, and he looks angry. “You should of told me.”

“How could I? I didn’t have a holotransciever, _remember_?”

“He planned this,” he hisses, and you watch as he runs a hand through his already wild hair, “He sent me away just so he could take you.”

“Xenok? Or--no, your master, right?”

“Yes. He--” He snarls angrily, and the image moves as he stands up and starts pacing. His constantly bobbing form is nauseating. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, we just got here. The mission is easy--I don’t know if I can tell you, but I’m not worried. I won’t be gone long.”

“Where are you?”

“I don’t know if I’m _allowed_ to tell you. And I don’t want you causing another problem and getting hurt again.”

“I don’t care!” He pauses his pacing, raising the holotransciever so you’re closer to his face. “Tell me.”

“I’ll be fine. If I do this mission well and come back, maybe your master will feel more confident in my abilities and leave the both of us alone.”

Ren simply gives a wry laugh at that, and the dry sound is so awkward coming from him. “You act like you know him. That’s foolish. Even _I_ don’t know him.”

“I’m just trying to be positive here. And this isn’t what I even wanted to discuss! I was worried about you.”

“Hmph.” He tries to keep up his anger, but your words make him falter. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that your concern isn’t needed.”

“It’s the same as you worrying for me,” you retort, “Don’t pretend to be annoyed by it. If you’d rather me go back to hating you, I can do that.”

His knitted brows slowly relax, and finally his image shifts as he sits back down. “I don’t want that.”

“I know. So let me care.” You give a short laugh. “It’s weird for me too, if that makes you feel better.”

“It doesn’t, in fact.”

The both of you pause, and you stare at him as his own eyes search your face. His expression has softened considerably, and you feel your chest tighten under his gaze. You dig your nails into your thigh to stop the feeling.

“Be safe,” he states, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I’ll be fine. There’s no soldiers or the like here.”

“It’s not them I’m worried about.”

You hear the knock on your hotel door, and you whip your head to look toward it. “Ah, looks like dinner’s here. I’ll let you get back to your ultra secret mission.”

You look back to him, giving a soft smile before continuing, “You be safe too. You’re not invincible.”

“No, but I’m close.”

You laugh at that. “Sure, womp rat.”

With that, you end the call and welcome in the kitchen staff. They’re quick to bring in your tray, and you thank them as you settle down to eat. You find yourself a bit distracted, and you stare at your holotransciever.

You hoped he would be okay. You missed him.

…

The following morning has you meeting both Xenok and Colonel Parnadee in the hotel lobby. The latter has changed into a formal charcoal gray suit, and she bears a cap that has the First Order symbol emblazoned on it. You had simply stuck to your usual robes, though for this meeting you chose one that was more dress-like so as to appear at least somewhat formal. Xenok remained in his usual ensemble, but it wasn’t as if he was joining you anyways.

“I’ll accompany you two to the meeting hall to make sure you get there in one piece,” the Knight explains, “After that, we split up.”

The speeders provided a quick journey to the designating meeting place, and the light drizzle let you hope that maybe today would go smoothly. You knew little of politics beyond what you’d seen in your early childhood, and at that point you hadn’t the mind to grasp such things. You guessed you’d spend most of your time being quiet and trying to look like you could actually do anything if things went awry.

The front entrance had a pair of men on either side of the open doors, and a smartly dressed woman held a datapad. She greeted a pair of men who entered, typing a few things on the datapd before giving a nod and a smile. The men passed by her and her gaze drifted down the steps and to you.

“This is where I leave you.” You turned to Xenok as he spoke up. “The decision today should be unanimous. Make sure it stays that way.”

“You worry too much,” stated Parnadee.

“It’s not you I worry about.” You couldn’t see his eyes, but you knew his gaze was on you.

With that, he departed from the two of you, leaving you with a woman you knew even less than him. You turned to the colonel, offering a polite smile.

“Shall we, ma’am?”

Her dark eyes rake over you for a moment before she sharply turns on a polished boot heel and strides up the steps. You’re quick to trail after her, trying to straighten out your back so you don’t look completely out of place. The well-dressed woman by the door stops Colonel Parnadee with a hand, offering a tight-lipped smile.

“Name, please.”

“Colonel Bellava Parnadee, present on behalf of the First Order.”

The woman glances down at her datapad, typing and swiping before she gives a nod. “And your company?”

“Protection,” she plainly states.

“Certainly,” the woman glances to you, “Your name?”

You give it, and soon the two of you are being waved through the doors. You’re honestly surprised you’re allowed to keep your weapons, but you suppose you are the muscle. A soldier without a weapon is only so useful. It was likely the other bodyguards present also were allowed to keep their own weapons. You would have to keep an eye out.

Parnadee led you through the ornately decorated hallways, and you couldn’t help but let your eyes wander. Much like the hotel, the drab exterior of the building did little to prepare you for what was inside. Abstract art ranging from paintings to statues lined the walls of the hall, and the deep crimson rug you walked along appeared to be of excellent quality. A waste, you thought, considering people just dragged muck all over it.

“We’re reaching the auditorium,” Parnadee explains, “Try to keep a pleasant face, and don’t speak unless spoken to. Any conversation should be basic and polite. If anyone starts requesting details, work the conversation somewhere else.”

The two of you step into a relatively small auditorium--it looks more like a court room than anything. Several benches slope down to the center of the room, where a large table sits with three chairs. There are already several people present, most of them human. You let out a small sigh, trying to steel yourself for the coming meeting. You weren’t qualified for this.

The two of you make your way down toward the front, toward a small group of people chatting among themselves. A relatively young looking woman turns to the pair of you, offering a gentle smile.

“Ah! The star of the hour, no? It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss…?”

“Colonel Parnadee,” she greets, holding out a hand, “Am I right in assuming you’re Senator Sindian?”

“I’m flattered! It’s lovely to see that the Order is so well involved to know Arkanis’ politics. I’ve long supported joining with you, considering the boon you’ll bring us. I’ll be sitting up there beside President Wilvun and Senator Vree-ska, fighting for your side.”

“Your support is noted and appreciated.”

“I must admit I’m surprised to not see any Stormtroopers with you. They have become the face of your organization.”

“Something we seek to rectify. The First Order is as human and you and I. Our soldiers are simply a part of us.”

“Certainly. So who is this young lady?”

Parnadee looks to you, and you take that as your cue. You give a bow of your head and introduce yourself.

“I’m Ky---Commander Ren’s apprentice. It’s wonderful to meet you.”

Senator Sindian has a surprised look on her face. “Oh my. I’ve heard tales of the Commander. He’s a powerful man, indeed. Am I right to assume you’re of the same ability, then?”

You glance to Parnadee, and she takes over the conversation, “She’ll prove to be a useful member of the Order in time. Commander Ren still has much training to give her.”

The Colonel took on the conversation from that point, and you allowed yourself a moment to scan the room. More folks had begun to fill in, but the crowd was rather small all things considered. That was how politics were, however. It always seemed to be the few making decisions for the many. Well, as far as you were considered, it was of no real consequence to you what happened here today.

You scanned the various faces present in the room, watching their own gazes. You doubted a Republican would be so brazen as to insert themselves directly into the situation, but you couldn’t be too careful. If they were here today to cause havoc, they could come from anywhere. It was better to keep an eye out.

Your eyes flickered to the entrance as the woman that greeted you at the entrance appeared, followed by a middle-aged man and two armored men bearing blasters.

“Everyone,” the woman called out, “Please welcome President Wilvun and take your seats. The session will begin momentarily.”

The people present in the room begin to clap, and you’re quick to follow suit. Parnadee leads the two of you over to a pair of seats near the very front of the room, and after glancing to her for permission, you seat yourself. President Wilvun walks down the aisle and toward the table, taking the center seat. Senator Sindian takes the spot to his right, and a Gran who you assumed to be Senator Vree-ska took the left.

The President waited until everyone was seated before speaking up, “This meeting is now in session. I thank all of you for coming. Today, we will discuss whether or not to secede from the New Republic and instead ally to the First Order. Senator Vree-ska will represent the New Republic opinion, and Senator Sindian will represent the First Order opinion. Being that we are currently a New Republic planet, Senator Vree-ska will have the floor.”

“Thank you, President.” Vree-ska stands from his seat, smoothing out his exquisite robes. “I implore those of you considering this course of action to reconsider. The New Republic has been good to us. They allow us to run as we please and lend us assistance as needed. It is wholly unnecessary to make enemies with them by joining the First Order. Need I remind everyone of the authoritarian actions of the Stormtroopers beneath the Order? They exert their power over those they deem lesser!”

A man in the crowd behind you speaks up. “And do the bounty hunters Arkanis allows in their spaceports not do the same, if not worse? Many have lost their credits to thieves and vagabonds because our own police force is supposed to turn a blind eye to them. No economy should have bounty hunters as an income source!”

“The jobs available to any bounty hunter than arrives on Arkanis are limited and regulated.”

“I’m certain the police are checking underground too, right? Because no brigand would every go under our nose.”

A woman interjects. “We’ve long lost the military power we had from when we were an Imperial planet! Our officer’s academy has fallen apart. I believe having a military force to train our cadets will make us stronger and all the better for it.”

There’s a series of murmured agreements from the crowd, and Senator Vree-ska frowns.

“Military strength is not the way to go! Without a war going on, we have no need for such power. It would be smarter to move any money toward the academy into other areas of our economy.”

There’s a barking laugh. “What economy? We’re so distant from Hosnian Prime that the New Republic doesn’t see it fit to send much trade to us anymore. It’s no secret our stocks are slowly collapsing. With the First Order, we could rebuild our economy by supporting their endeavors. They’ve promised to funnel funds back to us!”

President Wilvun holds up his hand. “Order, please. Senator Sindian--your opinion?”

The dark-haired woman smiles, standing up and glancing to Vree-ska. The Gran squints his three eyes at her before sitting down.

“It’s true the First Order is a strong military force, and I understand how this could be intimidating to some. However, they also value order, and they truly seek what’s best for us. The New Republic _has_ forgotten about us on the Outer Rim. We’ve been left to support ourselves, and without proper trade we’ll soon collapse. Those planets under the Order are thriving, and if we were to join them, we too would find ourselves in a comparable utopia.”

“Would we not just become a military base for them? Occupation seems far from utopian,” a voice speaks up.

“It’s true they might put Stormtroopers and officers on our planet, but that does not mean we’ll be occupied. We’ll be free to do exactly what we have been. They’ll simply be aiding our own forces in regulation. I understand the bounty hunters in our spaceports are a concern. I’ve heard personally that the First Order could assist with them and reduce their influence and danger.”

“And create their own problems,” hisses Vree-ska, “The Order is unpredictable! Consider their Commander, Kylo Ren, for example. He’s a time bomb. His temperament is no secret, and I’ve heard news of him acting first and thinking later. For a Centrist with Imperial views, I thought you would be against anything remotely Jedi.”

“A man wielding a lightsaber isn’t always a Jedi,” Sindian counters, “It seems you’ve read far too many fables. The Jedi were eradicated nearly half a century ago.”

“Then what was Luke Skywalker? I can assure you the Battle of Yavin wasn’t a myth, even if you were too young to remember it.”

“Please return to the matter at hand,” President Wilvun interjects, “We’re not here to discuss such mystical things as the Jedi and their place in the world.”

“Certainly, President. I apologize.” Senator Sindian bows her head. “As for Commander Ren, one man isn’t representative of the whole Order. Many members of the First Order are good men and woman with strong heads on their shoulders. If I may, I would like to turn the floor to Colonel Parnadee, who is here on behalf of the Order.”

Parnadee stands, and you likewise rise with her. She bows her head before twisting her body in order to address the whole room.

“Thank you, Senator. I assure you, the First Order wants what’s best for Akanis. We’ve recognized your past economical prowess, and we seek to bring you back to what you once were. We loathe the New Republic’s complete disregard of you. Beneath us, your economy will be repaired, and you will find yourself safer than ever before.”

Colonel Parnadee goes on to list the boons of the Order, and you find yourself fading out as a tickle starts to prick the back of your mind. You scan the faces of the room as an anxious feeling causes your skin to prickle. You remember once upon a time being taught about disturbances in the Force, and you can only assume this feeling is that. Your breath quickens, and you place a hand to the baton on your belt.

You can’t tell where the feeling is coming from, and you don’t want to pull attention to yourself by focusing in and closing your eyes. You begin to look for openings in the room, but the doors are closed, and there are no windows. You aim higher, and you notice an array of air vents near the top of the room. The slots are far too small for someone to squeeze through, and you start to disregard them.

But then you see it.

The muzzle of a blaster, perhaps a sniper rifle, peeking through one of the vents. You quickly follow the trajectory and see it pointing toward the table with the President and senators.

“Get down!”

Your shout comes a moment too late, and there’s a flash of green as the blaster shoots. President Wilvun’s guards cover him and Senator Vree-ska cowers. Senator Sindian drops to the ground, and you have little time to think before you’re rushing over to her.

She’s still alive, and she’s groaning in pain as she clutches her shoulder. It seems her would-be assassin missed, but the wound she had would likely still kill her without proper treatment. You gingerly place a hand on her own.

“Let me see.”

She stares up at you for a moment before pulling her hand back. There’s a small trickle of blood, but the blaster shot cauterized the wound. Unfortunately, you can almost clearly see through her shoulder and to the carpet below. The wound is a mess of meat and bone, and the sight makes your stomach turn.

Boots enter your vision next to you, and you glance up to see Colonel Parnadee beside you, blaster pistol drawn. Her gaze is on the President, who has crawled near to you and has his guards standing over him, their own weapons out.

“It seems someone in the New Republic or Resistance wasn’t so keen on our meeting,” she snarls over the screams of the others in the room.

“A-An assassination?” President Wilvun squeaks.

“An attempt, at least.” Her gaze shifts to you. “Make yourself useful and go find our assassin before they escape.”

You knew that wouldn’t help, as the vents could go anywhere. You shook your head. “I can help her!”

Parnadee narrows her eyes. “… Then hurry up and do so.”

You turn back to Sindian, who looks even paler. You didn’t know if you _could_ help, but you had to try. Your control over the Force was still limited, and you might do more harm than good. But you couldn’t just let her die if she had a chance. Pushing your anxiety aside, you took a deep breath and placed your hands over her wound.

The senator hisses in pain as you touch the raw flesh, and you whisper an apology as you close your eyes. You imagine the wound closing, the flesh and bones knitting back together. You imagine the Force flowing through her, acting as sutures as it patches her skin. You allow your own energy to flow from you, sinking it into her blood and ignoring the way the ichor stains your hands. And you pray and _pray_ you can do something.

You open your eyes and pull your hands back, and you nearly cry in relief. It’s not perfect, but the majority of the wound is closed and the bleeding has stopped.

“She needs to get medical treatment, but she’ll stay alive,” you explain, looking up to Parnadee.

“Good. We’ll get her to a medical droid.”

You don’t have much longer to talk as the doors to the room burst open, and you place a hand on your blaster as you ready yourself for a battle. However, you recognize the uniform of the local police force. Several officers quickly fill in, and you take your hand off your blaster. Parnadee likewise follows, sheathing her pistol.

“It seems our stay has been extended,” she murmurs, “Hope you like the rain.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A political meeting has gone awry, and now you're stuck on Arkanis until this is solved. Where is Kylo Ren when you need him?
> 
> First off, I'd like to apologize on being a week late! Between the coronavirus, an earthquake, and general writer's block, I've had a hard time writing. I've been stuck in self-isolation for over a week now, but I just haven't been able to write. Thankfully, I managed to crank this out. I apologize if it's a little boring, but we all need some exposition on politics at some point. I threw in a Kylo moment to try and ease the pain.
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Xi-class light shuttle - A First Order shuttle, slightly smaller than Ren's Upsilon shuttle. This ship is stolen by our Resistant friends in The Last Jedi!  
> Colonel Parnadee - This gal is actually known as General Parnadee in Rise of Skywalker. I figured since this takes place several years before then, she'd only be a Colonel right now.  
> Holotransciever - A device used to communicate. Star Wars Facetime!  
> Senator Sindian - The current main representative of Arkanis according to Bloodline. Unfortunately, I haven't read the novel, so her characterization may be a bit OOC.
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	12. Chapter 10 - Near to the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood

The day quickly went sour.

It hadn’t been long before the meeting hall was flooded by police, all of them armed to the teeth with blasters. Senator Sindian had been taken out by a MEV-series droid, who had gently loaded her onto the gurney attached to its body. A small stain of blood into the carpet below was all that remained after her departure, and you found your eyes drawn to it even as you gave your story to the police.

Colonel Parnadee and you had quickly been accosted and made to give statements about the situation, along with several others present. The only one exempt seemed to be President Wilvun, and you guessed he had likely been taken somewhere safe. It wouldn’t do for the president of Arkanis to find himself the new target of this would-be assassin.

“Describe what you saw to me,” asked the officer before you, his eyes tired.

“I felt something was wrong, so I started looking around the room. From that vent up there--” You pointed to the air vent. “--I saw what looked like the end of a blaster poking out. Before I could get Senator Sindian down by warning her, the blaster shot her. I ran over to her to keep her covered, and… And I helped stop the bleeding.”

The officer sniffed, looking down at your bloodied hands. You flexed them nervously.

“Right. Can you describe the blaster to me?”

You start to fold your arms, but you feel the dried blood begin to flake off against your clothes, so you allow your hands to remain at your side. “Not really. The blaster end was pretty long, so I’m assuming a rifle… Or sniper rifle? I don’t know, it happened too fast. The bolt was green.”

“Green, eh? Don’t often see that in handhelds. Sounds like an expensive gun, which might make it easier to find. Anything else you can recall?”

“I might just be thinking too much about it, but… I don’t know. I feel like the assassin purposefully missed.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“They had plenty of time to line up a perfect shot, and if Senator Sindian was their target, they had to be of some merit. They wouldn’t miss.”

“You might have scared them,” the officer pointed out, “You said you tried to warn Miss Sindian.”

“That wouldn’t distract a good hunter.” You shake your head. “I don’t know, maybe I’m reading into it too much. I just thought it was strange.”

“What reason would an assassin have for missing on purpose?”

“That’s what I don’t understand about it, which is why I think I’m just overthinking. I’m sorry--I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“Anything helps.” He hums as he looks down at his datapad. “Do you have any idea of who this person may be? Did you see them at all?”

“No, I didn’t, but I have reason to believe they might be part of the New Republic or the Resistance.”

That makes the officer’s tired eyes light up in surprise. “And why would you think that?”

“It’s not unknown that neither of them like anything the First Order does. Senator Sindian was on our side, and she was doing a doshing good job of convincing the room to vote on the switch. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a ploy by the New Republic to stop that process, or at least slow it down.”

“Wouldn’t they have simply killed the senator then? If your theory of them purposefully missing is true.”

“Maybe.” You sigh. “I don’t know. It just seems too convenient for it to not be someone from the New Republic.”

“And you don’t think this could be the work of extremists or an unaligned party?”

“The Resistant _are_ extremists!” you exclaim before catching your tongue, “From what I hear, this is something I wouldn’t put past them. It gives them a chance to get rid of a problem.”

The officer types a few more things into his datapad before nodding. “Alright, I think that’s all I need from you for now. You’ll probably get asked for your side of the story again later.”

With that, the officer left, and you let out a long sigh. Colonel Parnadee was still talking, and you had nothing more to contribute. Your eyes wandered down to your bloodied hands once again, and you thinned your lips. You had to get this off.

You made your way to the front of the room where a pair of officers stood guard on either side of the door. They stopped you as you approached, and one came to stand in front of you.

“Sorry, no one leaves the room.”

You held up your hands. “I just want to clean up.”

The officer shook their head. “Sorry, ma’am. No one in or out.”

You groaned, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment as you tried to quell your frustration. You didn’t much like being a prisoner, trapped in one place. You’d done that for a couple weeks too long in Ren’s company. You weren’t keen to engage in the process again.

“Fine. Can I make a call, then?”

“As long as someone can see you, yes.”

You plopped down on a nearby bench, leaning into the back of it as you removed your datapad and holotransciever. Flakes of dried blood sloughed off against your robes, and you did your best to ignore it as you tapped Xenok’s contact. You held the holotransciever in front of you, angling it so the Knight could see your face.

It took a few moments, but eventually the helmeted visage of Xenok appeared.

“What?”

“There’s been a situation,” you quickly start to explain before he can interject, “Senator Sindian was shot. She’s still alive, but the person--whoever they are--is still on the loose.”

“I thought your explicit orders were to _not_ let something like this happen.”

You frown. “I was helpless to stop it. By the time I saw the blaster, it was too late.”

Xenok’s laugh is static-filled as it comes through the holotransciever. “It seems like Kylo hasn’t taught you anything. Your ability to sense with the Force is weak. At least you didn’t get the senator killed.”

You ball your free fist as he drawls on, “Seems like the New Republic has their fingers and eyes everywhere. I’ll see if I can’t get over there to help with the investigation. _Don’t_ mess anything else up.”

His image disappeared, and you gripped the holotransciever tightly. You couldn’t wait to be done with this mission and avoid Xenok once again. He deemed it fit to blame you for everything, regardless of whether or not you had control. It was frustrating.

You decided to wait it out and keep an eye on the room. From your perception, it looked like those present in the room at the time had no real idea what was happening. Even those who appeared to be for the New Republic, including Senator Vree-ska, were out of their element. It was possible they hadn’t been notified in order to protect the assassin, but it also put your theory on a shaky pedestal.

The fact that Senator Sindian was still alive continued to bother you. Even if your warning shouts had startled them, the shot had been close enough to her chest to have caused more damage. Further, she was a high profile target. You doubted a green bounty hunter or whatnot would be assigned something like this. There simply seemed no way the assassin would of gone off target by accident.

Regardless, you weren’t the investigator. No doubt once things cooled off here, you would be sent back to Starkiller Base and be subjected to a diatribe from Xenok. The implications of a failed mission were scary, to say the least, but perhaps you still had a chance to prove yourself. You _had_ kept Senator Sindian alive and healed her wounds, after all. Perhaps that would mean something in the eyes of Ren’s master.

Movement caught your attention, and you glanced over to the open doorway. You saw the two guards from before talking with a third man in hushed voices, and you tried to tune your hearing to catch part of the conversation.

“... Cybernetic eye… Resistance… Last seen… Following up on…”

There wasn’t much to glean from it, but the frantic nature of the conversation lead you to believe they had a lead. And Resistance? That prospect was exciting. Perhaps your theory wasn’t so fallible after all.

The third man left the two at the end of their conversation and went further into the room, likely to spread the news. You kept an eye on him, trying to watch his lips, but you couldn’t get any more information off of him. It seemed that you would simply have to wait.

And wait you did.

Officers went around the room collecting information, and you were made to repeat your story to two more people. Colonel Parnadee eventually made her way back to you, though she had little to say. Xenok arrived in time as well, and you could easily imagine some annoyed expression beneath his mask. You may not have known what he looked like, but down-turned lips and a furrowed brow were easy enough to imagine.

Parnadee and him had a short conversation, purposefully excluding you with their quiet voices. You honestly had little care to listen, and instead took your reprieve to rub the last of the dried blood off of your hands. Your skin had a slight reddish tint left, but at least the flakes were gone.

Xenok left your group, instead moving to talk with some investigators, and Parnadee took a seat beside you.

“From what I hear,” she began, “It seems as if a Resistance fellow was seen fleeing the building just after the senator was shot.”

“How do they know they were Resistance?”

She taps her sleeve. “A patch bearing the symbol. You think with as much as Leia Organa preaches peace, you believe she wouldn’t command her members to do such dastardly things.”

You froze, and you knew the confusion on your face was evident. “What?”

Your expression makes Parnadee chortle. “I heard you lived under a rock prior to joining us, but I didn’t know that rock was below ground. General Organa formed the Resistance a few odd years ago because she believed the Galactic Senate had lost its usefulness.”

You honestly had no idea. In your time on Vardos, you hadn’t thought it necessary to follow political galactic news. You had just focused on trying to survive day in and day out, and you didn’t pay much attention to gossip and the like. You could only wonder how Ren felt that his own mother was against him. It was unlikely you could just ask him.

“Now that I think of it, perhaps this is an act of revenge on Organa’s part. It was Sindian who told the Galactic Senate that Organa was the daughter of Darth Vader. She stripped Sindian of her royal title, but maybe that wasn’t enough.” She snorts. “I suppose that’s news to you too, hm? Fascinating stuff, really?”

You didn’t think you could respond. You swallowed thickly, staring straight ahead.

_Kylo…_

“Loth-cat got your tongue?” Parnadee teases, “I felt the same way when I first heard the news a few years ago. To think the _princess_ was the daughter of Darth Vader himself, the true symbol of the old Empire’s power. It’s no wonder she wanted to keep it hidden.”

These people had no idea of Ren’s background, and you could only begin to think of how all of this made him feel. How must he of reacted when the news first emerged? He didn’t even get the chance to hear it from his own mother’s mouth, but instead through gossip. He couldn’t have outwardly reacted either, or he would of revealed his own lineage. You felt deeply for him.

It seemed you wouldn’t have much longer to think on it if you considered the sudden commotion behind you. You turned around, surprised to see President Wilvun with a quartet of guards. An officer quickly approached him, bowing their head.

  
”President Wilvun, it’s an honor, but you really shouldn’t be here. The area isn’t secure.”

The man holds up his hand. “I understand that, but after some consideration, I believe the meeting that took place before must continue. I’ve come to my own decision, and I believe many in this room feel a similar way.”

The president made his way down the center aisle and to the table, taking his place in the center. There were some confused murmurs from the audience, and you glanced to Colonel Parnadee. She simply had a smirk on her face.

“I call this meeting back into session. Please, take your prior seats.”

Everyone took a moment to look around at one another before shuffling along. Colonel Parnadee and yourself made your way back toward the front, and you watched as Senator Vree-ska nervously took his spot at the president’s side. Officers fanned out across the room to guard the door and keep an eye on the vents. You spotted Xenok near the back of the room.

“I understand this might take many of you by surprise, but this needs to happen. What happened today is a great tragedy, but we must be thankful that it was not worse. Senator Sindian is currently under treatment for her wounds. She is alive solely due to the actions of the First Order.”

There’s a confused murmur that rises in the crowd. “Today, one of the representatives of the First Order came to Senator Sindian’s aid and kept her alive until medical droids were able to reach her. Regardless of your opinions of the organization as a whole, the actions of one may indeed represent the whole. Just as the actions of the person who perpetuated this incident may come to represent the Resistance.”

The murmur rises into an uproar, and President Wilvun holds up his hand. “Order, please. Indeed, recent news has led our investigators to believe a member of the Resistance carried out this sinister deed. They aimed to take down a key supporter of the First Order to stop our secession from the New Republic. Such acts are foul and shall not be taken lightly. If both the New Republic and the Resistance choose to treat their own people this way for opinions that differ from their own, then perhaps it is time we left.

“We will hold a voting for the secession of Arkanis from the New Republic and alliance to the First Order, unless there are any questions or opinions that would like to be said beforehand.”

You glance around the room, and you note that everyone else seems to be doing the same thing. The room is silent.

President Wilvun gives a small nod. “Very well. I ask anyone not voting to leave the room until the voting ends. The police may remain.”

Colonel Parnadee rises from her seat, and you quickly follow suit. As the two of you were not citizens of Arkanis, you really had no say in the actual voting process, so you were quick to leave. Xenok joined you, along with a few nondescript members of the audience. It would now be a tense waiting game.

“Are we so certain the assassin left the area?” you ask once the room’s doors have been shut behind you, “I don’t feel comfortable leaving the room.”

“Senator Sindian was their target. If anything, they would follow her to the hospital to finish off the job,” Xenok plainly states, moving to take a seat on one of the plush benches in the hallway.

“Somehow, that doesn’t comfort me.”

His mask turns to you. “If anything, this event was a boon to us. Fear tends to sway people in the right direction. We’re selfish by nature, and we want to preserve ourselves. The people of Arkanis want protection, and we’re offering it. Senator Sindian’s injury has given the necessary push to her people.”

That was a dark way of thinking, but it was true. From President Wilvun’s reaction, it seemed he was set on the planet allying alongside the First Order. He had seemed shaken up immediately following the accident, so you couldn’t say you were surprised. Still, Sindian didn’t need to get hurt. You wish you had seen the blaster sooner.

You spent your time waiting by avoiding Xenok and wandering up and down the halls, perusing the various art. The day drug on, and soon the sky outside began to darken as the evening downpour began. You had been here for several hours at this point, and you were more than ready to get back to the hotel. Perhaps tomorrow you would find yourself back on Starkiller Base, and perhaps Ren would be back too.

Ren… With the information you learned today, you weren’t sure what to do around him now. It would be best to try and act normal and forget what you’d heard, but he’d no doubt notice something was wrong. At the same time, you weren’t exactly keen to just ask him how he felt about his own mother being against him. Was his father involved as well? Han Solo had often been off on his own adventures during Ren’s childhood--he had told you as much--but he often stuck by Leia’s side.

You couldn’t imagine your entire family being against you.

If Skywalker was still alive, wherever he may be, it was likely he held little love for Ren’s ideals too. Your childhood friend had long since strayed from the path of the Jedi, as had you. What would Skywalker think of you now? He had been disappointed in you before and given up, and now you were following ideals opposite of his own. You could imagine his loathsome glare as clear as day, and you hated the way it made you feel disappointed.

You had nothing to prove to him anymore. He wasn’t your master.

The doors to the auditorium opened up, and you glanced up as Colonel Parnadee waved you over. You entered the room once again, taking your usual seat. President Wilvun was whispering to a bespectacled man, and soon he gave a nod and turned back to the room.

Once everyone was settled down, he began, “The votes have been tallied and we have the results. I want to thank all of those who voted. This decision will be very important for the future of Arkanis, and I know this decision will bring us to greater things.”

He clears his throat, standing up. “88% voted yay, and 12% voted nay. With these results, Arkanis will begin the process of seceding from the New Republic and joining alongside the First Order. Expect the change to take time, but the decision is final. Thanks to all of you for coming today.”

The decision didn’t leave you with a happy feeling despite the outcome, but you tried to put a smile on your face as people started to approach Colonel Parnadee and shake her hand. Xenok stood beside the two of you, his imposing figure earning a side eye from those congratulating the colonel.

Eventually, after much polite small talk, the three of you managed to make your way out of the meeting hall and into the rain. A pair of speeders were waiting for you, and the awnings did little to help keep you dry. There was no Ren to guard you with his cloak, so you found yourself soon shivering as the icy rain soaked through your robes.

The night life of Arkanis seemed nearly nonexistent, but you assumed that was due to the downpour. Lights lined the streets and reflected off the gray, mirrored buildings, but you saw few people wandering about. Those that dared brave the weather wore heavy raincloaks that you found yourself envious of. If you ever returned to this wretched planet, you would make sure to pack appropriately.

The hotel was a welcome respite, and soon you found yourself stripping down from your soaked robes as the heat from the shower warmed up the bathroom. You sighed as the mist built up and surrounded the room, fogging up the wall-sized mirror and kissing your skin. You stared at your reflection, running your fingers across the thin line on your upper arm. The scar was barely there now, and that day seemed like a distant memory already.

You allowed the shower to carry away both the day’s grime and your thoughts. The heat warmed up your chill skin, and you curled your back beneath the stream. Perhaps you wouldn’t have to do another political mission like this for some time. Despite the incident with Senator Sindian, this mission had been a success. Perhaps Ren’s master would ignore your shortcomings and leave you alone, if only for a short time.

You just wanted a moment to yourself.

After your shower, you ordered dinner and absentmindedly ate as you stared out the window. Rain splattered against the transperisteel, and you imagine the droplets racing as they sped down the glossy surface. Despite having eaten little during the day, you weren’t very hungry, and soon you placed your half-eaten meal on the room’s table to be picked up in the morning.

Did you miss the simpler times of working on bacta tanks on Vardos? A little. Before, you didn’t have to worry about the Order and politics and whether or not people would die because of your ignorance. Yet, as you were chosen by your mother to join under Skywalker to become a Jedi, time had once again chosen your new path. It was as if you had no say in your own future.

You rubbed your hairline on the back of your neck, imagining the braid of yesteryear. You had long since removed it, but some nights you still felt it tickling your skin. You no longer had any desire to become a Jedi, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to follow in Ren’s footsteps either. It wasn’t as if you had asked for him to take you. He had made the decision for you, regardless of how you felt.

Still, you couldn’t _not_ have a role in this world. As much as you wanted to be a neutral party, a nobody, you didn’t have a choice. You would have to stand by Ren’s side or likely find yourself at the receiving end of his master’s wrath. He could no longer protect you, and you were unsure if he even _would_ should you decide to stand against him. While the dark side of the Force had never called to you before, accepting it was in your best interests.

In time, perhaps you could learn to control the Force. And perhaps you could grow powerful and begin to decide your own future.

…

Come morning, you found yourself back at the spaceport, boarding the _Xi_ -class shuttle. Neither Xenok nor Colonel Parnadee had any new information on the assassin from yesterday. The latter explained that any one of you might be called back to Arkanis later to repeat your story, but otherwise you were free to return back to Starkiller. The thought that the Resistance assassin was still at large unsettled you, but you couldn’t do anything more here.

Your opinion of Senator Sindian had been somewhat sullied by Parnadee’s information, but you did hope she was alright. You had only been able to heal her so much, and you knew a medical droid was more capable than you would ever be. Hopefully in time she would come back to full health, or at least close to it. You were just glad you had been able to keep her alive.

You would have to tell Ren of what you did--he might be proud. Your Force control was still minimal, but you had managed to focus in just enough to use it to heal the senator. You hadn’t lost control, you hadn’t hurt anyone. _You_ were proud of yourself for that fact.

The shuttle soared into the atmosphere as Xenok sharply turned the ship. You slid in your seat, the straps the only thing holding you in place. Could any of the Knights actually pilot a starship? Your sampling pool was minimal, but you were beginning to think all of them had similar abilities.

“That brings your first real mission to a close,” Xenok states, his helmet still focused forward as he gets the ship ready to jump into hyperspace, “Consider me surprised that you didn’t complete kriff that one up.”

You narrow your eyes. “We did what we came to do.”

“And a senator nearly died along the way. Don’t sound so assured, girl. You nearly lost us one of our biggest supporters in that system.”

“You’re the one who said her getting hurt was to our advantage.”

“Did Kylo teach you to have a smart mouth too?” Both of you jerk back as the ship jumps into hyperdrive. “You think you’d be more disciplined.”

You glare at him as he finalizes some settings before rising from his seat. Before you can react, the back of his hand cracks across your cheek, and you’re left clutching your face as you stare wide-eyed at the wall.

“ _Don’t_ test me. The Commander may be soft of you because you’re some back-alley whore he picked up off of Vardos, but you mean nothing to me or anyone else. Forget your place again, and you’ll have a lot worse coming to you than a sore cheek.”

With that, he exited the cockpit and went toward the back of the shuttle, leaving you to stew in your feelings. Colonel Parnadee had nothing to say on the matter, far too focused on the datapad she reviewed in her hand. You figured you should keep quiet too, as much as you would like to set Xenok in his place. At this point in time, he was still more powerful than you. You didn’t want to risk anything.

The jump back to Starkiller was short as usual, and soon the planet’s familiar chill overcame you as the shuttle landed and you found yourself exiting the hangar. Your group quickly split up, much to your pleasure, and you made your way back to your room with your bag slung over your shoulder. Despite it being relatively early into the cycle, you simply didn’t have the energy to drop your weapons back off at the armory. You had taken them with you enough at this point that they were likely considered yours anyways.

Once back in your room, you tossed your dirty clothes into the bin and quickly dropped down onto your bed. The scratchy sheets had become comforting now, and you sighed as you balled them in a fist. You were home now, and hopefully you wouldn’t have to worry about another mission for at least a week.

Further, you had that party to look forward to--though you weren’t quite sure if “looking forward” was the right term. You found yourself feeling a bit nervous about it, considering you had no idea what Exo had in store for your outfit. Further, it would be another dance of politics, and you already found yourself feeling exhausted. At least this time Ren would be there, even if his temper might end up getting the better of him.

You pulled out your datapad, holding it over your face as you squinted at the screen. A meal was the perfect thing to cheer you up. You’d missed a couple meals these past few days, and you were eager to make up for the loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've learned that the Resistance's leader is Ren's mother, Leia Organa. You worry for him, but you find yourself stuck when thinking of the right way to approach him. Perhaps it's better to leave things unsaid.
> 
> Another shortish chapter, but I promise the next one will be much longer! I have quite a bit in store for you.
> 
> Notable terms:  
> MEV-series medical evacuation droid - A simple droid equipped with a gurney. Often used to transport patients and treat them on the go.  
> Green blaster bolt - What the officer means here is that green bolts are often only used for large weapons, like tanks. Blue and red bolts come from cheaper forms of Tibanna gas, whereas green tends to be more refined and therefore more expensive.
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


	13. Chapter 11 - Revealed

Ren had returned to Starkiller Base a day after you, late into the cycle. You knew this because you had exited your bathroom just before you went to bed and there he was, standing in his full garb in your bedroom. His awkward posture did little to ease your terror.

You may have screamed. You could neither confirm or deny it.

“Stars! You could at least warn me or _something_!” You clutched your chest, leaning up against the wall.

“Are you alright?”

“Well, obviously not,” you chide as you try to quell your beating heart, “You scared me half to death. You’re like some kind of bogeyman.”

“I’m asking about the mission.”

Oh. You shrug awkwardly, pushing off the wall and making your way to the bed. You plop down on the edge, staring at Ren as his helmet turns to follow you.

“I’m fine. I mean, it definitely wasn’t the best time of my life, but we got what we wanted. So I think it went well enough, all things considered.”

He hums, his boots clicking off the tile as he approaches you. His footfalls are silent as he reaches the rug that stretches under your bed. You have to crane your neck to look up to him.

“You don’t have to hide from me.”

“I’m--” You sigh, picking at the fabric of your pajama pants. “I’m not. I’m really okay. Please stop worrying so much about me. It really doesn’t work with the whole evil overlord persona you’re going for.”

There’s a long pause before he takes off his helmet. He shakes out his long black hair and tucks the mask beneath his arm before he stares down at you. You can’t help but shrink under his gaze, and you look away.

“Is that what I am to you?”

“Is that what you want to be?”

He sets the helmet beside you on the bed before squatting down. Those heavy eyes rake over your face, and you find yourself compelled to look back. There’s a warmth in your cheeks you can’t will away.

“No. Not to you.” He reaches out, prying your hand away from the grip you have on your pants.

He’s warm. Your nails rake across his palm, and his large fingers gently close around your fingers. His gaze is focused on your hands, and you feel yourself tense as his thumb rubs across the back of your palm.

“I want to be your friend, like we used to be. And…”

“And?” You feel like your breath is catching, like your lungs are too full.

He just hums, his brows knitting as he looks away. He gives your hand a squeeze before letting go, and your arm falls uselessly beside you.

“Things aren’t the way they used to be,” you sigh.

The flicker of his eyes to yours says _”I know”_ , but you know he won’t admit it. “It doesn’t have to be so different. It could be just the two of us again.”

“The two of us and the entire First Order. You have an entire army behind you, Ren. It can’t just be me anymore. You lost that choice when you started this.”

“It _will_ be.” He seems frustrated, and you don’t want to push him. “It’ll just take time. I promise you.”

He looks sad, and it makes your chest hurt. You too wished that you could go back to being a carefree apprentice, but neither of you had that luxury.

“You never forgot me,” he suddenly states.

That makes you laugh, and you half-heartedly cover your mouth as he glares at you. “How could I? You were my best friend.”

_And I also…_

“And now?” He seems hopeful.

“You can’t ask me that… It’s not fair.” You shake your head. “Things are too different now. I don’t hate you, but…”

“But I hurt you.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry.”

You glance up to him in surprise, and the genuine expression on his face has you reeling. You forgot and _forgot_ and tried to push away the memory of your childhood friend, then he would bring you right back by looking like Ben.

It killed you.

“I know it must not mean anything to you, but I’m sorry. If I could change the past, I would. But I’m still just a man.”

He stands up and picks up his helmet. You simply stare at him.

“One day I’ll be a better man. Until then, I’m sorry for hurting you.”

He slides his helmet over his head and swiftly exits the room, leaving an empty feeling in your chest. Why was it so difficult to connect with him? The two of you had drifted so far in the past years. Every time you thought you were making headway, he pulled back.

He was scared.

…

The next three days were relatively uneventful, and you were thankful. Your dress from Exo had been delivered by a courier, and despite your excitement, you avoided opening the package. You were worried if you saw it and didn’t like it, you might get cold feet. It wouldn’t do to try to worm your way out of the party, so you figured you’d tough it out with whatever you got. It was just one night, after all.

You had visited Dr. Shemp after Ren had twisted your arm particularly bad while sparring and mentioned the event to her. In her kindness, she had lent you some old cosmetics she no longer used.

“It can’t hide these old bags anymore,” she’d said, motioning to the dark circles beneath her eyes, “You’ll get more use out of it than I ever will.”

You weren’t fantastic at makeup, considering you rarely wore it. Your experience with it revolved around your mother’s modest appearance, the smokey eyes common to the slums of Vardos, and the minimal makeup that members of the First Order were allowed to wear. Dr. Shemp had given you a modest array, and you were certain you could make a decent look when the time came.

The foretold night felt like it arrived sooner than you were prepared for, and soon you found yourself getting ready for it. You’d decided to start relatively early, considering you weren’t exactly sure when you would be leaving.

The dress was… Not what you expected. And certainly not something you would wear if you had the choice to pick it off a rack.

It was a deep ebony with a floor-length skirt. A slit rose up the right side, going to just below mid-thigh. A high turtleneck encased your neck, giving a rather modest look to the front of you. The same could not be said for the back, as the chill you felt told you the majority of your back was exposed. The opening ended near the lower part of your spine, and you shivered as you ran your fingers along your bare back. The sleeves were large and flowy, transitioning into a semi-transparent fabric at the elbow. As you twisted, you noticed that something sparkly had been sown into the fabric to make it glitter in the light.

It was beautiful. And you felt entirely out of place.

You didn’t have any nice shoes to go with it, so you wore the simple standard boots that came with your First Order uniform when you first arrived. Your makeup was relatively simple, not much beyond mascara, smudged eyeliner, and a single stripe of dark lipstick on your lower lip. It likely wouldn’t quite fit in at a political event, but you didn’t have the skills nor the energy to completely doll up.

By the time you finished getting ready, it was getting later into the cycle. You had been tempted to order dinner, but you guessed there would be food at the party. You doubted they could keep that many people of power in one place without the prospect of hors d’oeuvres. Further, it wouldn’t do to ruin your lipstick.

The door to your room hissed open, and you glanced up as the usual form of Ren entered. True to his word, he hadn’t changed into anything nice, and he still wore his helmet. You raised an eyebrow up at him.

“You’re really not going to change at all?”

He paused in the doorway, staring at you as you approached him. You saw his hands clench and unclench at his sides several times, and you felt a strong wave of energy come off of him. As soon as it hit you, it was gone, and he put down the wall between you once more.

“I’ll take off my helmet in my ship,” he explains, “It stays on while I’m on Starkiller.”

You wave your hand. “If you say so.”

There was a moment of silence between the two of you before he sharply turned on his heel. You now noticed he’d at least forgone his cape, though it made little difference. His appearance was only marginally less intimidating without the garment trailing behind him.

A pair of ‘Troopers stood at attention as you passed by, and you offered a polite smile as you scurried after Ren. His long strides had you moving at a partial jog to keep up with him, and you were thankful you were wearing normal shoes. You couldn’t imagine having to run after him in heels.

“I see Hux’s tailor got in touch with you,” he states.

“Yeah. He was very nice, but I don’t know about this dress. It’s not exactly my style.”

“It looks nice.”

You raise an eyebrow at his back, but he doesn’t elaborate. Still, the compliment was nice, and it made the chill on your back almost bearable.

The two of you made your way into the hangar where Ren’s shuttle was kept, its triangular wings locked upright. You were quick to board, and you glanced around the empty cockpit as Ren settled down into the pilot’s chair.

You stood in front of him, leaning over the controls as you peered through the transperisteel and down into the hangar. “Is no one else joining us? I thought you said General Hux and some others were coming with.”

He doesn’t respond, and you glance over your shoulder at him. He’s just staring at you.

“Well?”

“Where’s the rest of it.”

You blink in confusion. “What?”

“The dress.”

Oh. You shrug, walking over to the copilot’s seat and plopping down. “It wasn’t really my choice. I assume it’s popular?”

“It’s poor design.” He sounds annoyed.

“I don’t exactly enjoy it either.” You shake your head. “Anyways, you didn’t answer my question.”

His helmet is just staring at you. You stare right back.

“... Were you even listening to me?”

He sharply turns back forward, beginning the process of takeoff, and you sigh and roll your eyes. It was hard to believe he was a full-grown man when he acted like this.

“I asked if General Hux will be coming with us. You mentioned that he and some others would be joining us.”

“They can transport themselves. I’m not a chauffeur.”

“Except for me.”

There’s a static-filled growl that escapes him, and you chuckle. You really shouldn’t tease him, but sometimes it was simply too easy.

“I thought you were going to take off your helmet now that we’re in the ship?” you question as you buckle yourself in.

“I will when we arrive.”

Another eye roll from you. It was just the two of you now, so you didn’t see why he insisted on wearing it. You could understand within the base, as he wanted to remain anonymous to a degree, but you well knew what he looked like. Perhaps at this point it was a matter of comfort.

“Where is this party being held anyways? You didn’t tell me much about it.”

“Cantonica. Canto Bight.”

“Ugh. Forget I asked.”

It was no secret Canto Bight was home to the extremely wealthy, and with that came snobs. You weren’t eager to rub elbows with those who would look down on you. Hopefully the food was good and the liquor strong.

The ship lurched as it sped out of the hangar, and your fingers briefly dug into the seat. Ren took the ship on a sharp incline, but you didn’t feel as nauseated as you normally did. The feeling was still there, however.

Once you exited the atmosphere and Ilum was little more than a snowy ball below you, he set the ship into hyperdrive, and soon the familiar blue vortex appeared through the port. The jerk forward briefly sent you back into your chair, but soon it was smooth sailing.

You knew Ren wasn’t much of a conversationalist from what you’d gathered on your past journeys with him, so you simply relaxed into your seat and waited for your arrival. You prayed tonight would be quick and painless.

…

The ship rapidly shifted from hyperdrive into normal flight after less than an hour of traveling, and soon you were peering out the viewport and down at the glittering city below. The waves of the sea crashed against the tall cliffs of the coastline, and you saw the dual moons of the planet reflecting in the ocean. You had never personally been to Canto Bight, nor had you cared to, but you did have to admit it was beautiful. You felt like an insect drawn to the light.

There was a large spaceport in the rear of the city, and Ren carefully landed the ship. You spotted several other First Order shuttles already present, along with luxury ships that shone brightly in the florescent light of the spaceport. You excitedly leaned over the controls, staring down at a pair of opulently dressed Quarren as they exited their ship. The female of the pair had thick golden rings dotted with jewels decorating her tentacles.

“We’re not here to sight see,” Ren grumbles, so reminiscent of your time together on Arkanis, “We’re here for business.”

“It’s a _party_ ,” you counter, “We can enjoy ourselves a little. I know I’m going for the buffet as soon as we get inside.”

He merely groans in annoyance, and you let out a small laugh. You hear the familiar sound of him removing his helmet, and you turn around in time to see him shaking his hair out. His brow is furrowed, and you want to smooth it out.

He stands up and places his helmet in his seat before briefly running his fingers over the metallic surface. You sidle up beside him, clasping your hands behind your back. You shiver as the cold backs of them brush your bare skin.

“You can wear it if you really want to. I was just teasing you.”

“No,” he states, sounding resolute, “It stays here.”

He glances down at you, and you smile as his face relaxes. “Let’s go. Don’t stray too far from me.”

The two of you exit from the ship and down into the spaceport. You check in your ship with a sharply appointed young man before taking a speeder to the casino where the party is being held. Music drones out through the open doors as you slowly approach them up a long staircase, stuck in line behind several others trying to enter. You can already feel how tense Ren is next to you, and you place a hand on his arm for a moment.

He shudders.

A pretty Twi’lek woman in a white suit greets the two of you, a datapad clutched in her hands. “Good evening,. Your names?”

“Kylo Ren.”

She gives a wide smile. “I must admit, it is difficult to recognize you without your helmet, sir. It’s a pleasure to have you here.” She glances to you. “And you are--?”

“My company,” Ren interjects, glowering at the woman.

She bows her head deeply. “Of course. Please, enjoy your time here. If you need assistance, ask anyone wearing the same uniform as me.”

You head further in, and the sheer volume of people inside nearly sends you off your feet. Wealthy patrons of all species wander about, intermingling and sipping on flutes of some kind of alcohol. The usual murmur of conversation is a cacophony, and the music that croons from the live bands in the center of the room is dizzying.

“Still so eager to look around?” Ren chides before placing a hand on your lower back, “Come.”

He leads your through the crowd as the two of you search for food. It’s easy enough to spot, as the table is long and filled with all sort of finger foods. Several bottles of different liquor sit at one end, accompanied by a tower of champagne flutes. You’re quick to grab a plate and pile on things you barely recognize, but they look delicious. You also make sure to grab a slice of jogan fruit cake--a delicacy you’d only had as a child.

As you shove some little delicious--and by the _stars_ was it so good--pastry into your mouth, you glance up at Ren. “Are you going to get anything?”

He narrows his eyes at you as a crumb flies from your mouth and bounces off his chest. “I believe I’ve lost my appetite.”

“Your loss.” You shrug, licking stray crumbs off your thumb. “You should at least have a drink. It might help you relax.”

He opens his mouth to respond, but is cut off by a crisp voice that begins to approach the two of you. “I see you’ve already found the refreshments. Consider me unsurprised.”

Hux sidles up beside you, decked in an immaculate black suit and his hair perfectly coiffed. A musky cologne wafts off of him, and you’re certain you can see your reflection in his shoes.

Just behind him is a young man in the same uniform as the woman from before, carrying… Is that a cat?

You don’t realize you’ve said that out loud until Hux responds. “Of course. Millicent is always a hit at these sorts of events. She adores the company and attention.”

The long-haired ginger cat seemed to be wearing a harness of sorts, and you note that the young man is clutching a jewel-encrusted leash as he holds onto the cat. Her green eyes stare at you, and she flicks her ear dismissively.

“She’s cute! And well-behaved too!” You reach out to stroke her head, but your wrist is snatched by Hux before you can reach her.

He scoffs, withdrawing a handkerchief from his breast pocket and quickly wiping off your hand. “You’ll get crumbs all over her.”

You can feel Ren loom over the two of you, but the General simply lets go of you once your hand is cleaned up. You’re quick to pet the cat, and she closes her eyes and begins purring. Her fur is beautiful and extremely soft, and you twist your hand to scratch under her chin.

“What a love,” you murmur.

“She’s a menace,” growls Ren.

“You just hate her fur on your clothes when you’re playing dress up,” Hux teases, “I’ve offered you lint rollers to keep on your person.”

“Or I could just avoid her all together.” Ren turns to you. “This is all a facade. She lulls you into a sense of security before lashing out.”

“Or maybe she doesn’t like you,” you suggest with a sly smile, “You’re kind of scary.”

Ren’s glare deepens, and you turn back to petting Millicent. She seems appreciative, and she twists her head so you can get an itchy spot behind her ear.

“Come, Ren. We have guests to greet.”

“I don’t.” He sounds incredibly annoyed.

“Yes, _you do_. I arranged this so we could better get to know our supporters. You don’t have a choice.”

You glance over at him and note his lip curling as he snarls. Hux seems unfazed.

“It’ll only be for a little while,” you suggest in an attempt to placate him, “Meet me back here in a little bit.”

He stares at you for a long moment before snapping his attention back to Hux. “Fine. Let’s go.”

The two of them walk away, bickering all the while, and are followed by the young man carrying Millicent. You quickly shove the rest of the finger foods in your mouth before taking your plate and a fork so you can wander off and start working on the jogan fruit cake.

You found an odd corner to yourself, and you took the moment to both enjoy your desert and eye up the partygoers. You still felt incredibly out of place, but it seemed as if no one was paying an particular attention to you. You recognized a few faces from the First Order here, but you had no particularly strong relations with any of them. You had mostly seen them in passing when going to and from the medbay or training.

You spotted Ren and Hux mingling with a small group of men, all of them, besides Ren, sharply dressed. It was a bit funny to see him almost looking awkward. His body language reeked of apprehension and annoyance, and his face didn’t shift beyond a glare. It didn’t seem to bother any of the men present, strangely enough. Perhaps they had met him before and grown used to him--or they had other things to worry about than the Commander being grumpy.

You couldn’t blame him, though. You weren’t comfortable around all of these strangers, and you couldn’t imagine being forced into polite conversation. While Ren’s bedside manner was nonexistent, you had sympathy for him. It could do for him to at least try, but you couldn’t blame him for being annoyed. Hopefully Hux wouldn’t keep him for too long.

You finish off the jogan fruit cake in record time, and you figure at this point you’ll need to balance out the food with a few drinks. You head back to the buffet and pluck one of the flutes from the tower, and you note that it’s being held in place by a repulsorlift. That makes sense, considering an inebriated individual could easily knock it over.

You mull over the alcohol choices, flipping over the bottles and reading them. “Merenzane Gold, T’iil-T’iil, Breath of Heaven, Quanya… I don’t even know what these are. Is it so hard just to label something as what it is?”

You eventually settled for Breath of Heaven, as it sounded both light and delicious. You poured yourself a small glass of the reddish colored liquid and swirled it around before smelling it. It was _strong_ , but you figured it wouldn’t hurt to try. You took a small sip.

“Druk… That is _fresh_.” You whistled before taking another draw.

It was very strong and definitely burned going down, but the aftertaste was just a little fruity and lovely. You didn’t often drink, but you could appreciate a good beverage when you had one. You found yourself wandering about the floor, nursing your drink and letting the small buzz take you over.

By the time you finished off the glass, you were feeling pleasantly warm and a little hungry once again. You started to wander back over to the buffet, only to be blocked by a tall figure.

You craned your neck up, looking into Ren’s face. He tilted his head at you.

“Your face is red.”

“So I’ve tried this Breath of Heaven thing, and it is fresh. You have to have some.”

He sighs, his eyes shifting to your empty glass. “I won’t be drinking tonight. I want my wits about me.”

You shrug. “Your loss. I’m thinking of sampling… What was it? Gold something? It sounded good.”

You barely catch Ren’s disappointed look before your attention is drawn away to the crowd parting. You realize the music has changed, and people begin to file onto the floor as they pair off and begin to dance. It’s a slow waltz, and as you eye it up, you realize you definitely and most certainly can do that.

You turn back to Ren with a smile. “Want to dance?”

You didn’t know his brows could knit any tighter, but indeed they have. “Absolutely not.”

“You’ve always had two left feet, so I guess I understand…” You sigh, waving your hand. “I suppose I can find someone nice to dance with--”

He snatches your hand, and you give him a smug smirk. He looks terribly annoyed.

You twist your hand around and clasp his before leaning forward. Perhaps the alcohol is making you feel bold, or maybe you’ve always felt this comfortable with him.

“Dance with me.”

He glowers at you, but he doesn’t protest. You laugh, brightly and freely, and you glance around the room for a moment. An employee is nearby you, so you quickly wave them over and pass off your glass. With that, you tug Ren onto the dance floor. He looks wholly uncomfortable as you put a hand on his shoulder.

“I have _no_ idea what I’m doing,” you admit.

“You’re a fool,” he grumbles as his hand awkwardly comes to sit on your hip.

The two of you aren’t really dancing so much as swaying, and he refuses to look you in the eyes. You feel so warm, and his body heat nearly makes it overwhelming. You lean forward, pressing your forehead into his chest.

You stumble slightly and step on his foot, and he grunts. “Watch your step. You’ll fall.”

“You won’t let me fall.”

He sighs. “No. But you might knock us both down.”

You look up to him, and as annoyed as he sounds, his face is very soft. He’s looking at you like you’re a foolish child, someone to be scolded and taken care of. You grin up at him, and you see the side of his mouth wobble.

He steps back from you, stretching you out until the two of you are only joined by a clasped hand. Gently, he leads you into a spin, and you laugh as the room continues spinning a little even after you stop. He pulls you back as softly as before and starts leading the two of you through a simple box step. He’s so careful not to step on your feet.

“You actually know how to dance? Consider me surprised.”

His chest rumbles as you lean your head into it once more. “My mother… She taught me some things. Just in case.”

His mother… You go quiet.

“... Do you miss her?”

You feel him tense, and you feel like you’ve said the wrong thing, that he’ll get angry. But he simply sighs against you, and you feel his hand rise higher as it winds around your back.

“A weaker man might. But it’s been years since I’ve last been that man. And even longer since I’ve seen her.”

That makes you feel sad. You let your hand slip up the back of his head and into the wild mess that is his hair, and you feel him inhale sharply. You awkwardly hug his head, and your thumb rubs gingerly along his scalp.

You feel so hot. You can feel his body heat radiating off of him, and you feel his hot breath against your neck as he leans down. The heat from the alcohol fills you, and it’s suddenly too much. You feel like you’re burning up alive and you want to tear off your dress and jump into the tumultuous sea.

“I need some air,” you wheeze, suddenly peeling away from him. You barely hear the confused noise he makes as you stumble away toward the huge windows on the opposite side of the room.

You swore you saw a balcony, and you were correct. You step through a door inset into the large windows and outside, letting the cool, salty air kiss your skin. You gulp down the fresh air and stumble forward until you’re gripping the railing. You lean over it, staring out across the city below and toward the sea cliffs. The twin moons above highlight the edge of the cliffs, and you can see grass blowing gently in the wind.

You’re alone out here, and you’re thankful. You sigh, bending over until you can press your burning forehead against the cool surface of the railing. It immediately cools you off, and you sigh in relief.

Your relief is short-lived as you hear footsteps behind you, and you slowly stand up and turn around. Ren is behind you, and despite his relatively neutral expression, you can tell he’s concerned. His hands twitch at his sides, and you wonder what he’s thinking.

“I’m sorry,” you quickly apologize, “I panicked a bit. I just got too hot.”

He steps beside you, and you turn so the both of you are looking out toward the sea. His gloved hands come up to grip the railing, the leather squeaking slightly. He seems deep in thought.

“Colonel Parnadee told me about your mother,” you suddenly blurt out, “That she’s the head of the Resistance. That she’s Darth Vader’s daughter.”

You expect a lot more from him, but he just sighs. He’s tired. You realize he’s been through this before, far too many times.

He squeezes the railing and keeps his gaze forward. “And does that change your opinion of me?”

You frown. “No. I was worried for you. I never cared about who or what you came from.”

“Darth Vader killed a lot of people. He changed the galaxy.” He turns toward you, and you can’t read his face. “Does that scare you?”

“I don’t know,” you honestly admit, “That was before our time. History can change stories. But you’re not him.”

He chuckles, and it’s dry and devoid of emotion. “I want to be. I don’t agree with everything he did, but my grandfather had the right idea. One galaxy, united. An empire. It’s better that way. Safer.”

“Is it?”

His body fully turns to you, and he towers over you. “Are you scared of that idea? Are you scared of _me_?”

You stare up at him, and as much as he tries to intimidate you, all you can see is Ben staring down at you.

_“Let me help you. We can do this together.”_

_"One day, we’ll both be powerful warriors. I want to stand beside you when that happens.”_

_”You can help me change entire worlds and galaxies.”_

“No,” you whisper as you reach up and place a hand to his cheek, “Never.”

He presses his cheek into your touch, and you stroke your thumb along his cheekbone. He sighs softly, and those soft eyes of his look into your own. You’re glad he doesn’t hide himself from you. You like seeing him.

His hand reaches up too, mirroring yours. His is so much larger, encompassing nearly the entire side of your face. All you wish is that he wasn’t wearing gloves.

He’s shaking.

“I was scared I’d never find you again,” he admits, “I didn’t want to lose you.”

“You promised you’d come back for me.”

“I did.”

“And you did.” You smile at him. “I don’t regret leaving. But I missed you every day. I wished things had been different. I…”

“They are now,” he murmurs, leaning down, “It’s just us. Don’t hide from me anymore.”

And you don’t. You lean up onto your toes, closing the gap between the two of you. As your lips touch, you both sigh. His lips are soft, and he’s trembling against you as you touch him. You feel his hand trail around the back of your head and rub through your hair, gently pulling the strands with the movement.

The two of you briefly separate, and you want to cry when you see the small, genuine smile on his face. He’s beautiful. You missed him.

“You’re shaking,” you whisper.

“So are you.”

Are you? You can’t tell. You feel like you’re floating. Your blood is rushing in your ears.

“Are you nervous?”

He hums, bumping his nose into yours. “I’m worried I’ll do it wrong.”

You laugh softly, and even the quiet sound seems too loud. “I never thought I’d hear you admit to not knowing something.”

“Shh,” he hushes you before leaning forward again.

You allow yourself to have this moment. It’s sweet and serene, and the casino and the cliffs and the sea all fall away as you hold onto him. You’re nervous too, but you think that’s good. Sometimes, you think, it’s okay to be scared and unsure. New things are strange, but you have him to help you. It isn’t so bad.

Eventually, air becomes necessary, and you can’t help but snort as you pull back. Your lipstick has smudged onto his lips, and you’re sure it must look like a mess on yours.

He frowns at you as you rub a thumb across his lips.

“It looks good on you,” you tease.

“Not on you,” he retorts, staring down at the smudges across your lips and chin.

“Rude.” You don’t have the energy to come up with a better quip. “I want to go home, Kylo.”

He sharply inhales, pressing his nose into the spot just behind your ear. His voice is a rumble as he speaks. “Are you already so tired of me?”

“I’m tired of this kriffing casino. I hate rich people.”

He hums, pulling away from you. “I don’t feel in the right condition to pilot my ship. A room at the hotel was reserved for me. We can go there.”

“Are you flirting with me?”

He furrows his brow. “I’m tired. I don’t feel like flying.”

“I’m teasing.” Partly. “Let’s go.”

It was definitely irresponsible to abandon your duties here, but you figured he’d socialized long enough. If Hux had an issue, he could bring it up later. You just knew that, at this point, there was no way you could continue to focus on the party. Your mind is muddled, and only part of that was due to the alcohol.

Kylo guides you through the throngs of people with a gentle hand on your back, and you manage to escape out of the main hall unnoticed. The hotel is attached to the casino, so it’s a hop and a skip away to the front desk. He picks up his keycard, and soon the two of you are stepping into the beautiful room.

The bed is set up on a repulsorlift and is positioned in front of a window that shows a gorgeous view of the city. A large bathroom is attached to the room, complete with both a shower and a tub. You plop down onto the bed, running your fingers along the soft sheets. Kylo sits beside you, making your body bounce, and he leans down to begin unlacing his boots.

“I didn’t exactly pack an overnight bag,” you muse, crossing your legs.

“It’s unnecessary.”

“For you maybe.” You start unlacing your own boots. “I’m wearing a dress.”

“You can sleep in it.”

You toe off your boots, sighing in relief as your feet are freed. You wiggle your toes and lean back on your hands, watching carefully as Kylo unbuckles his chest armor and removes it to reveal a black undershirt.

“So… You’re going to be a gentleman and give me the bed, right?”

He pauses as he sets down his armor, raising an eyebrow at you. “No. The bed is large enough for two people.”

Your throat goes dry, and you awkwardly pick at the sheets. “Well, yes… But isn’t it a bit… Strange?”

“No. It’s conserving space. We slept together as apprentices.”

“We were kids!” you protest.

“It’s not so different.” He scoots back to one side of the bed, pulling out the sheets and sliding under them. He turns on his side away from you and lays his head down against the pillow.

“Just like that?”

“Go to bed.”

You frown, scooting up beside him. You pull the sheets over you before turning over so you’re facing his back. You feel a bit embarrassed by all this, but he seems entirely nonplussed. You expected him to be… Different. He was so nervous when kissing you, so this sudden change is strange.

You close your eyes, reaching out the invisible hands of the Force toward his mind. You gingerly prod, not trying to catch his attention.

_Nervous. Shaking. Warm. Too close. Hot. Tight--_

You squeak as he suddenly rolls over, glaring at you. His hand snatches yours, and you realize you were reaching out toward him as you searched his mind. You tuck your chin into your chest as you look up at him.

“You’re--”

“Shh.” He hushes you again and leans forward to briefly press his lips against yours. “Go to bed. _Please._ ”

He’s being so boyish! He rolls back over once more, and you hold in a giggle. Fine, you would stop bothering him, especially because you felt a little bad. You rolled over as well, letting your back face him, and you closed your eyes and tried to calm down. You didn’t think you could just get to sleep like that, but it was clear Kylo was done with your shenanigans for tonight.

Your mind was absolutely abuzz, but you did your best to focus on clearing it. Come morning, the two of you could discuss what had gone down tonight and determine what that meant for the both of you. For now, it was better to enjoy the proximity and try to get a good night’s sleep. You likely wouldn’t be able to sleep in a bed this nice for some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've realized that without Skywalker and the Jedi breathing down your neck, you don't have to hide anymore. This change is new and brings uncertainty, but you're glad to have Kylo at your side.
> 
> FINALLY. I've been blue-balling myself waiting to write this. I hope you're as excited as I am!
> 
> Notable terms:  
> Jogan fruit cake - A popular dessert among the wealthy. Many consider it incomplete without the jogan fruit topping.  
> Repulsorlift - A device that creates an anti-gravity field--perfect for making things float!  
> Alcohol list - The alcohols that reader mulls over are all canon liquors! They're referenced in various Star Wars lore.  
> Breath of Heaven - The specific alcohol reader samples is supposed to be very expensive and very strong. It's referenced in Star Wars Galaxies.
> 
> Feel free to message me on Discord @ madlyhazel#8617 to talk about this story or Star Wars in general!


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